The Best Years of My Life

I would LIKE to Blog, but....

2011-09-18T17:34:00.002-05:00

I just never seem to get around to it.

I feel like I should be able to come up with interesting, compelling, noteworthy things to tell the internet about, but...

I never do.

Maybe I'll change?

Change is definitely in the air because...

We are moving to NEW YORK!

How crazy is that?

Forest accepted a job as Training Manager at one of our company's manufacturing plants...in Hobart, New York. His first day is October 31st and then I will be a single mommy for 7 months. Katie and the babies and I will move out there in June, after Katie graduates and turns 18. So far my group at work has said that I can keep doing what I'm doing...remotely...from Hobart (which is VERY remote, from what I understand!).

It's going to be crazy, but we're hoping it will be awesome. I am kind of looking forward to "reinventing" my life, as follows:

I am always kind of sad that I don't have a lot of (IRL) friends, but since we'll have to meet everyone new out there, I'm going to try to be more outgoing and make time for friends in my life.
I am hoping we'll find a church where we can be more involved. Sure, I have a great church here, but we hardly know anyone, even though I've gone there for 13 years. We just go in, go to church, and leave. We smile at people and people come up to talk about the babies, but we haven't gotten to know anyone. That's lame of us. I'd like to change that.
I want to get an EMBROIDERY MACHINE! I know, right? I LOVE all things embroidered/monogrammed/personalized and I think I can learn to do it. I envision an awesome craft room where I can work on such things on long cold nights in the snowy hamlet we're about to make our way to.
I want to keep a nicer home. We always put off home improvement around here. In favor of what? I don't know. But we don't show much (any) pride in ownership. I'd like to change that (and I hope Forest will join me in such an endeavor!).
I want to be intentional about making great memories with the babies. We are doing that here since the babies arrived, but I want to do even more. I want to make traditions like pumpkin carving, Christmas decorating, trips to visit NYC, little family excursions exploring the Northeast.

The babies are AWESOME! I couldn't be happier. They are all my dreams fulfilled. I should probably change the title of my blog, because I know exactly where my 4 beautiful babies are: Katie is hanging out with friends, Jack is in heaven, and Zoe and Egan are napping :)

Have a great Sunday!

Happy Easter! Also, I Come Bearing Pics!

2011-04-23T19:44:00.002-05:00

I meant to do a TWO MONTHS OLD post about three weeks ago, but Forest uploaded the pics to the wrong computer (his work computer) and I couldn't access them. I know - excuses, excuses!

Here are their best shots (imagine that in a Tyra Banks voice):

Obligatory screaming Zoe pic

She's really growing into this hair bow, no?

Best.Egan.Face.Ever.

We're actually having a caption contest on this picture at work

My sweet boy :)

And now, a random update, in no particular order!

We took them to see the Easter Bunny this morning. Nothing like a little procrastination! And, yes, Zoe really is that much tanner than Egan. How weird!

There was a baby in line right behind us who was exactly the same size as my peanuts...she was 2 weeks old! In fact, she may have been a bit bigger. We weighed them yesterday and, at 11 weeks old, Egan is 8 lbs 11 oz and Zoe is 8 lbs 12 oz (he's doing a good job of catching up!).

Daycare is going well - they LOVE it. Especially Zoe - she smiles and smiles from the moment we walk in. Egan, being a very serious boy, is not so demonstrative of his enthusiasm, but he has a fun time playing too. They are everybody's favorite because they're new and teeny. I know they're in great hands and that is comforting. Plus, they have each other, so they're not out there in the world alone! :)

With 3 weeks down, I'm still finding it to be hard to transition back to being a working mom. My main complaint is that pumping is not going as well as I expected. I have to pump each evening after their feedings to get the full amount they need (they're taking three 4 oz bottles per day). So that's disappointing. I'm hoping it will get better, but from everything I've read, I should probably be expecting it to get worse! I may need to do the fenugreek or mother's milk tea or whatever. Or I could just get comfortable with them supplementing with formula for their 3rd bottle, but I'd rather not. And it's not because I have anything against formula - Katie had formula when I was in class when she was a babe. So I don't really know why I'm beating myself up about it.

When I was on maternity leave I was really liking how much I was able to take care of around the house and how many snuggles I was getting. Now that I'm back at work, I'm still trying to keep up with the house but I'm not wiling to sacrifice any snuggle time to do so. Until Thursday, I was trying to do all of the baby care myself in the evenings unless one of them got REALLY mad while I was feeding or changing the other. I was secretly resenting Forest for not helping me more - yet I wasn't asking for any help. It was like I only wanted him to do the "overflow" babycare (just what I wasn't able to get to when I was tending to the other baby) but I was expecting him to read my mind and know when I wanted help and when I didn't.

For example, he has class on Tuesday nights and then this week he was invited to a happy hour on Wednesday. I acted like I was fine if he went, but I really wanted him to realize on his own that he shouldn't go - leaving me to do everything two nights in a row. I felt like my choices were to be demanding and "forbid" him to go, or be passive aggressive and give him the cold shoulder when he got back. I chose the latter, never considering the adult option: talking to him about how I felt.

I finally realized that I was trying to be a martyr and that's just dumb. I have a wonderful husband who has always been downright doting, waiting on me hand and foot, and he wants to take care of the babies, but he was just doing his own thing: waiting for me to tell him what I wanted him to do (that's a man for ya - even the wonderful ones can be dense sometimes).

So we finally talked about it on Thursday. I said I would just tell him when I needed help rather than doing everything myself, muttering snide, passive aggressive comments under my breath about him not helping, and/or silently resenting him. He said he would pay more attention and anticipate all of our needs more. It's been much better the past 2 days :)

The babies are finally giving us big, adorable, toothless grins and it melts my heart every time. Whenever Egan smiles (his are more stingy than Zoe's) I get so excited, squealing with delight, that I think I scare him and then he looks at me like I'm crazy again. Oh well. We're learning more about each other all the time :)

Early-Phase Egan Smile

(it starts out like this then he opens his mouth really big and sticks his tongue out a bit. It's truly delightful)

Zoe, loving on their new toy and enjoying the Bunny Swing

(how seasonally appropriate!)

This afternoon I decided they need to play together a little bit. They are usually hanging out on separate boppys, in separate sides of the crib, with separate parents, etc. They seemed to enjoy each other's company and we got some pretty cute looks out of them:

Egan smiling at Mommy; Zoe smiling at Daddy :)

I guess that's all for now. Look for the THREE MONTHS OLD update coming soon! :)

Goings On

2011-03-24T09:15:00.001-05:00

I can't believe I only have one more week off work to spend full time with the babies. That is going to suck, isn't it? They will be seven weeks old tomorrow.

Part of the daycare paperwork is to define a schedule for the babies for them to follow. Despite my initial good intentions, I haven't really enforced a schedule around here. They demand their feedings about every 3 hours, but I don't have set times that I have them eat and I don't insist that they eat at the same time. But now I need to plan for how many feedings I expect them to have at daycare so that I can pump milk over the next 10 days so they have something to eat! I'm thinking I'll have them eat at 6 am (after my shower, before we leave for work), 9 am, 12 pm, 3 pm at daycare, and then 6 pm and 9 pm at home. And if they want midnight and 3 am feedings, that's fine too. Any advice or feedback on this plan? They'll be 8 weeks old when they start daycare.

I had my 6 week follow-up appointment yesterday. I am at 201 lbs! I know that may not sound like a number one would excitedly put an exclamation point behind, but that is actually low for me these days. When I successfully lost 25 pounds on Weight Watchers last year, that got me down to 199 lbs. That's pretty much where I was when we started the FET cycle. So for breast feeding and twin tending alone to get me within 2 pounds of that is exciting. And I eat ALL THE TIME. I am seriously ravenous all day. I guess supplying milk for 2 babies burns a lot of calories. Who knew? Now that I'm cleared to exercise, maybe I can truly get to a weight I'm happy at. My short term goal is 185 lbs. I would say that I'll keep you updated on my progress, but anyone who has read my blog for any period of time knows that I am not a reliable updater!

In exciting news:

Egan slept through the night last night! I don't know how he did that. Of course, now I'm worried that he's not getting enough to eat because he's sleeping so much. Worry: it's what I do.
Zoe has officially rolled over twice. Once at 5w2d and again at 5w6d.
Egan rolled over twice in a row this week at 6w3d

Well-rested Egan after sleeping through the night

Zoe: Tummy Time Extraordanaire

They aren't smiling yet. I am really looking forward to that! I guess they'll be a little slower since they were 4 weeks early, but I am certainly ready for a little encouragement that they like me - at least some small fraction as much as I like them :) Last night Egan was fussing up a storm for Forest while I was nursing Zoe. After she was finished I asked him if he wanted to trade. He said, "I would feed him if I were you" but he had just eaten an hour and a half before. I was very proud that I snuggled him and talked to him and he calmed down. If I can't get a smile, at least I have that!

Lis asked last time about the crib arrangement. Right now they are in the same crib with a divider. This is because Forest and I have not yet moved out of their room. I consider it their room now because it has all of their clothes, toys, and care items in it, but the only thing of ours in there is the bed! Once we get the den fixed up and converted to our room, we will set up the other crib and they'll sleep separately in the same room. That's the plan, anyway. At our pace, we should have that done by the time they start kindergarten ;)

Emotionally, I've never been happier. It kind of feels like I've been in a fog for the last 34 years or so, waiting for my life to begin. I guess I had an Egan and Zoe shaped void in my heart, and now it is full. I feel like a better mom, better housekeeper (still not great, but definitely better!), and better wife. We'll see if this keeps up when I go back to work - I sure hope it does! I am just so thrilled to finally have these delicious babies that I wished, prayed, waited, longed, cried and worked for. I told Katie the other day that I feel like I hit the Mommy Lottery to have 3 spectacular children. But there has definitely been a lot of heartbreak and pain to get here, so right now I feel Karma Neutral.

So that's where I'm at today. Much love and hugs to you all!

Amy

One Month (6 days late)

2011-03-12T23:46:00.008-06:00

The sweet babies are 5 weeks old now (as of yesterday)! We took some pics on their one month birthday. I'll see if I can recap what's been going on.

Egan

The little man was tres skinny at birth (4 lbs 12 oz and 19 inches long). The babes were born Friday afternoon. After spending a few (too few, in my opinion) minutes with them in recovery, they went up to the nursery. I had to stay in recovery for a couple of hours (I think it was that long, the timing was a bit hazy for me) because my blood pressure was pretty high. The protocol in the nursery called for checking their temperatures before each feeding (which were every three hours). If they maintained a temp above 97 degrees (taken axially), the temp monitoring was complete. Zoe passed this challenge. Egan did not. His 3rd temp was low. That bought him 24 hours of temp monitoring. All day Saturday he maintained 97+ until around 9 pm when he had a low temp. The NICU was consulted. The nurse practitioner said to monitor him for another 24 hours and see how he did. His temp was good all day Sunday...until around 9 pm. The NICU was consulted. We had a jerk nurse that shift who was VERY STRESSY. She was a formula pusher. She was a NICU pusher. I didn't like her. The NICU nurse practitioner said to mointor him for yet another 24 hours. His temp was good all day Monday. The pediatrician rounded on him each day. Monday evening I said something about the babies maybe being discharged on Tuesday (which is when we were scheduled to be discharged) and he said we would definitely be going home - that something drastic would have to happen for us not to. Guess what happened at 9 pm on Monday? That's right - he had another low temp. That was his 3rd strike. He went to the NICU.

NICU pros: they put him in an isolette which, obviously, kept him toasty. This was an extremely posh NICU. Egan had his own private room with a recliner, sofabed, extra bassinet for Zoe, breast pump, etc...

NICU cons: he was there for a week. The first day we took Zoe home and brought her back in was 4 degrees outside. We kept dragging little Zoe back and forth each day. Probably not the best thing for her - her temps were always only right at 97 degrees and she only had 9 more ounces of body fat compared to him. Not an ideal situation. Because the babies came unexpectedly, the nursery was not even REMOTELY finished. Forest put together one crib while I was still in the hospital. He took 2 weeks of vacation. During this time, he could have gotten more done with the house, but he couldn't get anything accomplished because we spent all day, every day in the NICU instead.

I held up pretty well (I think) until Monday night (Valentine's Day). It's possible that I just wasn't coping well that day anyway - being the anniversary of losing Jack and all - but that evening I had a meltdown. Each day they would say that the plan was to decrease the temperature in the isolette down to a target point, then he would have to maintain it for 24 hours, then they would move him to an open crib for 24 hours. The thing was - they NEVER decreased it! Every once in a while they would bump it down a half a degree and then he would have a temp of 97.6 or something and they would say that was too low (yet they never told me what target temp they were actually looking for) and they would increase the temp of the isolette back up. We were making NO PROGRESS. Finally on Monday they started bumping it down, but it seemed that it was going to take another week to get him out of there at the rate they were going. I was so frustrated - I felt like they were holding my baby hostage. It's not like they were actually administering any treatment - he didn't have an IV, he only had oxygen for a day or so, he was eating breastmilk (mostly pumped) on a normal schedule - all they were doing was keeping him warm. I could have done that at home. LUCKILY (for everyone) when we came to the NICU Tuesday morning, they were ready to release him. We finally got a nurse practitioner who was practical enough to realize that he probably just naturally has a lower body temperature and that it was getting ridiculous to keep him. We finally left with instructions to keep him in double swaddles and double hats and keep the temperature in the house warm enough that we'd be comfortable in shorts and short sleeves (which is what we'd being doing with Zoe anyway) and he's been totally fine at home. We had 4 nurse home visits and his temp was wonderful each time. I've been MUCH happier since we finally got home.

I'm not even going to go back and see how many times I used FINALLY in that paragraph!

He has been pretty alert and responsive from the beginning. He makes good eye contact and the funniest faces. My favorite is when he's falling asleep but keeps his eyes open so you can see them rolling around (in different directions). I think it's adorable, but it creeps Forest out. He also keeps a furrowed brow a lot of the time. He gets that from his mommy.

He seems to enjoy the sound of his voice. When he's mad he doesn't take time to fuss - he goes from nothing to a full-on wail immediately. He prefers to be held - he doesn't fall asleep easily in his crib if we put him down when he's awake. I would say that he's spoiled if all parenting resources did not insist that babies this age cannot be spoiled.

He has a giant noggin, so it is hard for him to raise it up. He can just barely lift it off the ground to turn it from side to side during tummy time. He has blond/light brown hair and his eyes are turning more brown every day.

At their one-month check-up, Egan was up to 6 pounds, 3 ounces (a gain of 1 pound, 7 ounces!), so he's doing very well. He's finally starting to fill out his newborn clothes.

Zoe

Zoe was a bit slower on making eye contact and responding to our voices, but she is doing it now. She makes sweet faces, rather than her brother's crazy faces. My favorite is when she raises her eyebrows while making her mouth into a little "o" (too cute!).

Zoe is a tummy time pro. She actually rolled over when she was 15 days old, but it was later discovered that daddy had put her down with one arm under her chest, so it wasn't real. She is getting REALLY close to doing it for real, though. She lifts her legs and head up at the same time. She's lifting all with her tummy muscles, though. I don't think she'll actually be able to flip over until she pushes up with her arms a little bit too.

She can go to sleep in her crib if we put her down swaddled and drowsy. This is a major blessing. She doesn't cry much (the picture, above, being the exception). She seems to have quite a bit of gastrointestinal discomfort, but she just squeaks about it rather than screaming.

At her check-up she weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces (up 1 pound, 3 ounces). She has quite a bit of dark brown hair and her eyes are also getting darker brown each day. Her eyebrows are coming in dark brown, so I think she will be a brown haired girl permanently! (HOW WEIRD for me to have a brunette baby?!?!)

Zoe & Egan

They both take a pacifier, but it MUST be the SOOTHIE kind from the hospital. Other pacifiers simply will.not.do. Luckily they sell these at Target, because Egan's hospital-issued pacifier met an untimely end when we left it at a restaurant.

They are both lazy nursers. Feedings go on...and on...and on. I've read that there's no such thing as a lazy nurser - they are responding to slow milk flow. I don't know if I believe that, but whatever. Almost all feedings consist of me trying to keep them awake while they nurse with varying degrees of interest until they ultimately spit out the nipple or fall completely asleep. I then put them on my shoulder to burp them where they suddenly become fully awake and act ravenously hungry. When you have two to nurse and they eat every 3 hours, this results in A LOT of nursing time. If anyone has any advice or tips on this, please let me know! Right now they ALWAYS seem hungry!

Hungry Zoe Resorts to Zombie Tactics

I have three more weeks at home with them before I go back to work. Forest is very helpful at night (he shuttles babies from crib to breast). Katie also willingly lends a hand to keep them happy in the evenings. They are really very sweet and relatively easy babies. I feel like the luckiest mommy on Earth.

Happy One Month Birthday!

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2011-02-15T14:35:00.005-06:00

FET #1 Worked!

It's Twins!

Last belly shot: at the hospital on D-Day

February 4, 2011

36w2d

Brand New Zoe

(some parts blurred for modesty) :)

Brand New Egan

(with a convenient strategically placed foot for modesty)

In the OR

In Recovery

Munchkins together in the bassinet

Katie & Zoe

Daddy takes awesome pictures

Zoe Comes Home

February 8, 2011

First Nap at Home

Egan in the NICU incubator to stay warm

One of the many days spent in the NICU with Egan

Zoe's first pediatrician appointment

1 week old

February 11, 2011

A NICU feeding

A NICU bath

First real bath for Zoe

(her cord fell off at 8 days)

Egan in an open crib

February 14, 2011

Finally Home!

February 15, 2011

So in love!!!

Jack

2011-02-14T12:39:00.000-06:00

We miss you, sweet boy!

Jack Cullen Crawford

February 14, 2010

Our Forever Valentine

6 Days Old: A Quick Update

2011-02-10T09:42:00.000-06:00

I have so many posts brewing in my head: C-section not being as scary/weird/painful as I'd imagined, NICU stay for Egan, velamentous cord insertion and a true cord knot for Zoe, realizing my preferred Attachment Parenting style was/is more for my comfort than for the babies', etc. but it's really busy around here! I thought I should come on, though, just to let you all know that the babies were delivered safely and are doing well.

They are also spectacularly gorgeous (in my humble opinion):

L: Egan Mitchell (born 2/4/11 at 3:22 pm, 4 lbs 12 oz, 18 3/4")

R: Zoe Ruth (born 2/4/11 at 3:19 pm, 5 lbs 5 oz, 19")

Thank you so much for your comments and well wishes!

Love and hugs,
Amy

Today's the Day!

2011-02-04T09:32:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm at the hospital! At my regular OB appointment this morning (36w2d) I was 3-4 cm dilated and Zoe is presenting toes first. So they want me here at the hospital in case my water breaks and I'm scheduled for a C-section at 2pm CST!

34w1d: Can You Believe I'm Posting Again Already?

2011-01-20T20:16:00.004-06:00

I had to post to link to my co-worker and friend Jessica's blog.

She posted pics from the work shower they threw for me yesterday which was so, so nice! They gave us 2 high chairs and a baby swing! Two of my co-workers made the babies beautiful blankets and my co-worker Pam made pretty much the most awesome baby shower cake ever! A lady who works with Forest customized some pretty funny hats. We think we're going to take pictures of the babies in them and submit them to the Company's website.

Click over to see :)

Thank you Jessica - you're the best!!!

Also, I had my last growth-monitoring scan on Tuesday (at 33w6d). Egan was estimated at 4lb 4oz (24th percentile) and Zoe was estimated at 4lb 1oz (18th percentile). I think they're going to be little peanuts. We had our first non-stress test (NST) at that appointment as well. Both babies showed normal accelerations/decelerations within about 30 minutes, so it was a great success.

Well, I guess I better go do some nesting - only 3 weeks and 4 days are left!

33w3d: Didn't mean to make you worry!

2011-01-15T21:28:00.004-06:00

I'm sorry I waited so long again between posts. I really should know better than that!!!! I have no excuse - just tired and mostly checking blogs from my phone, from which it is hard to write a post, but I digress. I'll see if I can re-cap what's been going on lately.

Christmas was unexpectedly hard this year - I missed Jack so much. I was caught off guard by it because I thought I had found some peace several months ago, feeling like the time we had with Jack was just as it was meant to be. That this precious boy we had dreamed of for so long was only meant to be in our lives for a short time. I won't say that I know for what cosmic reason we were chosen to know so much love mixed with so much grief and pain, but it felt more comforting to think of him as a little Angel who was sent here for a short mission than to think of the hopes and dreams we had for someone who would never get to take a breath, much less grow into a young man. But at Christmas, I just missed him. I remember last Christmas, where we announced that we were expecting, and I was profoundly sad that that would be Jack's only Christmas.

On the other hand, things are going pretty well with this pregnancy. We had a 3D ultrasound done (4 weeks ago). We got a much clearer shot of Egan than we did of Zoe - I don't think she's really that bumpy, it was just stuff in the way. Here are our babies:

Zoe

Egan

Isn't it wild how different they look from each other? Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to meeting them :)

Speaking of meeting them, they are both currently stubbornly breech, so we have scheduled a C-section for Monday, February 14th. It's the anniversary of the day we got to meet Jack for that short, but precious time last year - which is bittersweet (but we're hoping it's more sweet). It is also LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY!!!

We had a family & friends shower last Sunday and got lots of good stuff. My mom gave us a card for SIX MONTHS of diapers! That is pretty freaking awesome!

We are not going to have the roof fixed in the den until the weather gets a little warmer, so our plan is to paint the babies' room (which is still currently our room) and set up one crib that they will share until we get the den ready for us to move into. I will definitely post pics when we get it all cute.

And now to the belly pictures:

27w3d

29w3d

33w3d

I guess that's it for today - I still have more things I want to take pictures of for you guys (e.g, their coming home outfits and my "e" and "z" charms for my charm bracelet), I will really, really try to not be such a stranger for these next 4 weeks!!!

Hugs and love!

Amy

25w6d: We're Still Here

2010-11-23T15:57:00.002-06:00

Well hello there, blogosphere. I missed you! I have no excuse for my lack of posting and commenting other than utter exhaustion. Who knew growing 2 babies at once was such hard work?

When last I updated I had just gone to the MFM for a check-up and everything looked good and they told me to come back in 4 weeks. Well, 4 weeks was up today so I was back in there. The babes are still doing very well - they're both head UP now (little stinkers) but they have been doing A LOT of repositioning lately (especially Zoe), so there's still plenty of hope they'll turn themselves back around in the next 4 weeks.

So, we decided how to decide on the anticipated C-section vs. vaginal delivery options. If they are both head down at 30 weeks, we will hold tight and attempt a vaginal delivery if nothing changes. If either of them are breech or transverse, we will schedule the C for 38 weeks (around February 17th-ish).

We tried getting a 3D ultrasound on Saturday, but neither baby was feeling particularly photogenic, so we are going back this coming Saturday to try again. We could tell that both babies have hair (gasp!). I am used to bald babies - this will take some adjusting for my psyche (luckily/hopefully I have several weeks to get my mind around it).

I think, unbelievably, that the ultrasounds are becoming anti-climactic. We had the 22nd one today, so that might have something to do with it. I asked Forest if he remembered those early scans where we were so excited to see that they had arms! and legs! and brains! I am just spoiled rotten now, huh?

I am pretty excited that we are now in the DOUBLE DIGIT countdown to 40 weeks! As of today, there are 99 days left!

And on that note, I am off to finish the work day so I can go home and nap!

Muah!
Amy

22w4d: Updating

2010-10-31T13:51:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone. I am a slacker blogger, but you ALL knew that already, so that's not an update!

But, last week I did have the big anatomy scan and we were very happy that everything checked out a-OK.

Both babies alive: Check! Heartbeats were both measured at 144 bpm. Zoe is actually QUITE the wiggler, but she has an anterior placenta so I don't actually feel much. On the ultrasound we saw her stretch completely out.

Exhibit A: a completely outstretched Zoe leg:

Cervix holding strong: Check! It measured 3.8 cm. Apparently that was so reassuring that the MFM said that we are going to stop checking it. Wow.
No growth restriction on Zoe: Check! She actually measured one day ahead of him (which was a very, very slight difference. They each measured an approximate 15 ounces :)
Normal babies: Check! The MFM said he saw "no major problems". I said, "Do you see any minor or moderate problems?" and he said in a robot voice, "No problems have been detected at this time."

Also, the hematoma was not visible at all. So, perhaps it has completely healed. That would rock.

So, it couldn't have been better. My next appointment with them was scheduled for 4 weeks later and it's marked as a "Basic" ultrasound. What does that entail, do you think? Just counting them and making sure they have heartbeats? "Yep - there's still 2 of them. Come back in 4 weeks." Oh well, it was nice to leave with absolutely nothing to obsess over for a change.

The Mothers of Twins Club meeting was fun. I didn't expect it to have an open bar! For some reason that struck me as very funny. I am now officially a member and have access to their neat-o website with a forum for questions like, "What's the best diaper bag?" and "What convertible car seat does everyone recommend?". Pretty cool. They also do fun outings like a hayride and breakfast with Santa & stuff. I look forward to partaking in that next year!

I guess that's it for me - I will leave you with a few cute pics, as requested by Misty :)

Exhibit B: Zoe's Face

Exhibit C: Whole Zoe

Exhibit D: Egan's Face

Exhibit E: Egan's Feet

Exhibit F: Egan says, "See you next time!"

Muah!

Amy

21w1d: Dare I Say I'm Feeling Better?

2010-10-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

After 4 weeks, the bleeding *finally* stopped. I am now going on 4 days of virtually no blood. I can't describe how much better it feels to see nothing disturbing. I guess I didn't fully appreciate the toll the constant bleeding was taking on my emotions, but once it stopped, I started feeling better right away.

We go next Tuesday for the big anatomy scan. I am looking forward to that. I am hoping to get some assurance that:

Both babies are alive (I feel kicking, but it always feels like Egan rather than Zoe...but she does have an anterior placenta...but, you know, it will just be nice to have confirmation)
My cervix is holding strong
Zoe's growth is the same as Egan's
They don't have any abnormalities

I am going to my first MOTC (Mothers of Twins Club) meeting tonight. I am pretty excited - I wonder how big the group will be? Unfortunately they already had their Fall sale for this year and their next sale isn't till the Spring (i.e., after the babies are born). I hope to get some advice on baby gear & stuff like that. It will be interesting to see what it's like. Maybe I'll meet someone else expecting twins around the same time as me. That would be cool.

Well, I guess that's about it for me. 2 weeks and 6 days till viability! YAY!!!

19w2d: Have we talked about how to deliver these babies?

2010-10-08T09:22:00.012-05:00

Perhaps in an attempt to draw my focus away from the length of my cervix at Tuesday's perinatal appointment (3.6 cm), the fact that I continue to have significant "old blood" discharge (going on 3 weeks now), or that I somehow lost 6 pounds since my last OB appointment (4 weeks ago), my OB decided to shift to a discussion of the end game: vaginal delivery vs. Caesarian. This decision is, apparently, totally up to me.

Now, I aim to be nice to people - I do not intend to go around offending others, so I try to behave. But the truth is, I am often smug and judgmental in my head.

Before I learned some of the harder lessons my life has had to teach me so far (e.g., infertility, 2nd trimester miscarriage), I was soooooooooo smug. I counted myself among the most fertile fertiles ever. I thought I was awesome at baby-having because my labor with Katie was <4 hours and I recovered quickly. I nursed Katie (she also got formula when she was in the care of others because breast pumps in 1994 were crappy) for a long, long time. I was pretty smug about it too.

Before I had Katie, I didn't realize that there were people who didn't even attempt to breastfeed for whatever reason (keep in mind I was 17 - there was a lot I didn't know about the world). Upon learning this, I thought these people who preferred formula were ridiculous and selfish. I was smug because I felt like I could make a better decision about nourishing my baby at 17 than women who were twice my age. Katie has been a freakishly healthy child. She got strep throat in Kindergarten and a sinus infection followed by chicken pox in 7th grade and that is literally IT for her history of infectious diseases (other than occasional sniffles). I, of course, have always attributed this to the superpower of my breast milk and my generally awesome mothering.

I have always been similarly smug about my disdain for scheduled C-sections. Apparently, I chalked them all up to mothers and doctors choosing convenience over nature - a notion I have rolled my eyes at on more than one occasion. Until this morning.

When my OB brought up this topic, my first inclination was "vaginal, of course". Then she started talking about the complications of twin deliveries. She said that usually, once Baby A is delivered, Baby B turns head down and comes on out with no trouble. Or, even if Baby B is breech, they don't worry because Baby A just fit through the cervix, so it's no big deal. BUT - sometimes Baby B drops its cord because of the space left when Baby A is delivered and then we're in an emergency C-section situation.

This description nearly caused me to have a panic attack. I couldn't believe myself. I may have a higher opinion of my stoicism than what is supported by reality (a likely case, since I am, in general, smug) but I tend to think I can keep a level head and I was shocked by my reaction. I guess the thought of losing Baby B to cord prolapse after all of this was too much for my neurons to process. I told my OB that talking about it was making me anxious so she said, "Then we'll stop talking about it" and said that we don't need a decision today or even at the next appointment but it's something I should start ~~freaking out~~ ~~obsessing~~ thinking about.

So now I suddenly realize that there can be actual reasons to schedule a C-section (I mean, who knew?) and I think it is what I'm leaning toward. I guess I am just getting my comeuppance all around, huh?

17w3d: I'm home

2010-09-25T17:10:00.006-05:00

I should feel relieved, right? After the nightmare of last Sunday, I should be on top of the world, yes? And, of course I am...for the most part. I told Forest I felt like we were walking through the depths of Hell and got snatched out and I still can't catch my breath.

Thank you all for your comments and prayers and hugs. I hate that so many of us know what this terror is like.

I was basically incredulous when the peri told me on Monday that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured. I thought he was crazy. I told him there was A LOT of fluid and he said, "I believe you" but I don't think he did. My OB said maybe I peed and didn't realize it. Uh, NO - I'm quite certain I didn't. But the medical professionals seem content to leave the fluid an unsolved mystery. And I didn't have any more leaking in the hospital and the fluid levels around both babes continued to be stable all week.

And then they sent me home. And now I am terrified. The peri on Friday said that the hematoma puts me at increased risk for ruptured membranes down the road and my OB said that the part of Zoe's placenta in front of the bleed is now non-functioning and they'll have to monitor her for IUGR. Those two risks have me pretty much freaking out.

How does one relax in this situation? Or should I just get used to this state of sadness and anxiety that we're still 6 weeks and 4 days from the raw edge of viability?

As I attempt to think positively, I am picking out "Coming Home" outfits for the babies. It's so much easier to find adorable things for girls. Where do I find the boy equivalent to this sweet jumper?

I am just trying to focus on how much I love these precious ones and cherish every moment I have with them. Here's a shot of Egan from yesterday's scan. I think he looks like his daddy. Forest says it's the haircut ;)

Much love to you all!

Pretty Scary

2010-09-23T13:47:00.006-05:00

Sooooo....just a few days after my "so different" post, things started to seem very familiar - and not in a good way.

Sunday evening I was lying on the couch when I felt a little fluid leaking - I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I was concerned, of course, but not freaking out, because they had seen a subchorionic hematoma on the ultrasound since our week 10 scan.

I went to the other room to get my phone to call the doctor when I started leaking a lot of fluid. I started crying and told Forest my water broke. We were in shock - incredulous - my cervix was <4 cm long and closed last Tuesday! How could this happen??!!?!?

We went to the closest hospital and called my doctor's exchange on the way and told them my water broke. She called back immediately and said she was calling the hospital and telling them to admit me right to L&D.

They put me on a stretcher and took me up to L&D. There was a large pool of clear fluid on the stretcher. When my doctor arrived she examined me and there was a lot of horrible, awful looking blood. She said she couldn't see my cervix and she said that was good, because it meant nothing had progressed very far down the birth canal, but she didn't want to be poking around in there anymore.

They brought in a bedside ultrasound machine. Both babies were kicking and squirming and appeared to have normal fluid levels. She said it was a good sign that Baby A was fully visible on ultrasound, in a transverse lie - she had not entered the birth canal at all. She said that they'd have the perinatologist evaluate me Monday morning and that it is theoretically possible to be on bed rest for many, many weeks - even ruptured - to reach viability. We had zero hope before she got there, but with those positive findings, we had some hope to hold on to.

Monday's ultrasound revealed normal fluid levels around both babies. They looked at my cervix with the abdominal ultrasound and said that, while they couldn't get exact measurements without a transvaginal ultrasound (which they didn't want to do because it might exacerbate the bleeding), my cervix appeared long and closed. He said that it "definitely isn't wide open". The only part of that exam that was disturbing was that Baby A had moved "head down" and that made me upset - I felt like she was getting ready for birth. But everyone else just said that it was a good sign, because they move around all the time, and that if she had lost too much fluid, she wouldn't be able to move at all. The peri said that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured and he said that "we might all be looking back on this as just a very scary day".

They told me to sit tight in the hospital until Wednesday and then, if the bleeding stopped, I'd have another scan, including a transvaginal evaluation of my cervix.

Yesterday's scan was even better. Zoe had moved back to a transverse lie (no longer head down) and the fluid still looked normal. I had no leaking and the bleeding was very light and was just old stuff. The transvag showed that my cervix is still completely closed and long.

I think the peri was ready to send me home yesterday, but my doctor wants me to stay here until at least tomorrow, when I'll get another ultrasound and make sure everything is stable.

They might do a procedure kind of like an amniocentesis where they inject blue dye into Baby A's sac and then put a tampon in and see if it turns blue. Niiiiice. I'm thinking that they will decide not to do that since the leaking has stopped completely.

So, apparently, the fluid was all with the hematoma, which finally reached a critical mass on Sunday and broke free. It is showing as being much smaller on ultrasound yesterday vs. Monday.

I am on bedrest for now. My doctor said we'd come up with a "long-term plan" after tomorrow's scan.

Unbelievable. And the scariest thing I've ever been through.

We are so, unbelievably, happy and feel so blessed that our babies are still with us and appear to be totally fine.

What a week!

So Different

2010-09-15T10:18:00.003-05:00

It really does seem completely different this time around.

With Jack, I remember looking at myself in the mirror the morning of 16w0d. We were in a hotel room in Springfield, MO, getting ready to go to the university for Katie's dance competition. I wore my maternity "Pom Mom" sweater that Katie had embroidered for me for Christmas. I asked Forest if he thought I looked pregnant yet or still just chubby. He (of course) said that I looked totally pregnant and he read me the "What to Expect" iPhone update for 16 weeks, as he had each Saturday since downloading the app. I looked in the mirror and I felt worried. I guess part of me knew all along that my sweet baby wasn't meant to come home with us. I never felt confident in the pregnancy - it all seemed sort of surreal and kind of disconnected.

I still sometimes can't believe the rest of the events that unfolded that day actually happened to me. It was so horrible and painful. And, at the same time, it was like I was floating above myself - or maybe I was off to the side somewhere. Part of me wasn't connected to my body or my mind. Part of me knew it was going to happen, I guess. When my water broke in the ER I looked at Forest and said, "It's over". He was in shock. He just kept shaking his head and saying, "I can't believe this is real." I'll never forget the look on his face. I'm sure the look on mine was more resigned. I knew there was no hope for my baby once my water broke.

I cursed myself for feeling like I would've been "disappointed" finding out for sure that Jack was a boy. I always "felt" like he was a he from the time I saw the + sign on the HPT (and maybe even before that). Even though I didn't feel right "wanting" a girl, I couldn't help it and I was trying to prepare myself to not be disappointed. But, of course, when it came down to it, I really just wanted my baby to live and I saw - all at once - that I did want a boy. I wanted that boy. I wanted my boy.

Anyway, far too many of you know exactly what those emotions are like - I cannot put words around it as well as others can. For those who don't know what it's like, I hope you never do.

But, like I said, this time feels competely different. This time, at 16 weeks, I don't care if I "look" pregnant or just chubby. I know it's real. I've seen my babies on ultrasound now 8 times. The ultrasounds haven't been disconcerting since the 4th time, once they were finally measuring the same size as each other. I have been reassured that my cervix is not actually incompetent - it hasn't budged and is still >4 cm, curved, and closed. There is even a fair amount of uterus (about 3 cm) above my cervix before we even get to Miss Zoe (that's Baby C1's real name). Yesterday the peri (who is awesome) was looking at my chart with me and he saw that I wrote this was my 3rd pregnancy. He asked how far along I was when I delivered Katie. I said, "40 weeks, 3 days." He said that he is giving a talk just next week about the difference in risk for a woman who has delivered full term and has also had a PTB (pre-term birth) vs. a woman who has had a PTB without a full term delivery. Basically, he feels like my risk is dramatically lower given the full term delivery and my currently confirmed long cervix. I said, "So what happened last time, then?" He said that, obviously, we'll never know, but he would highly suspect an infection. Poor cervix - I've been falsely accusing her.

In related news, as of yesterday's scan, we are 90% sure it's a boy and a girl. Perfect.

ETA: I only told you one name, above, so: our baby girl is Zoe Ruth and our baby boy is Egan Mitchell :)

14w6d: It's All Good

2010-09-07T15:06:00.003-05:00

I had another MFM appointment today at lunchtime. My cervix measured >6 cm, which is lovely. I asked the peri if it was the longest cervix he'd ever seen and he said it was. He also thought maybe the tech had measured a bit more than cervix and it might be overstated a bit, but he thought it looked really, really good. He is having me come back next Tuesday (15w6d) just to put my mind at ease since we lost Jack at 16w0d and he imagines I will be anxious next week. How cool is that?

We got extra peeks at the babes too! There was an OB resident there so they were all, "Do you mind if he takes a look for a few minutes?" I was like "Not at all. Does anyone ever say 'no' to that?"

The ultrasound tech registered her educated guess on the babies' genders. With the standard disclaimers that it's really early and that these are just guesses, she said it looks like Baby A (a.k.a. Baby C1) is a girl and that Baby B (a.k.a. Baby C2) is a boy. This is the opposite of what I have been thinking, so I have decided that they just switched places over the last 2 weeks ;)

So, the news really couldn't be better. And for that we are very relieved and very thankful. Overall, a happy day!

13 weeks: Did You Miss Me?

2010-08-25T21:21:00.004-05:00

So did I seriously wait 3 weeks since my last post?!?!? Yep, I believe I did!

Well, yesterday we had another MFM appointment...and everything looked wonderful. Baby C2 (or "Baby B" as they call her) had a nuchal translucency of 1.4 and Baby C1 ("Baby A") measured 1.8. Apparently a measurement between 1 and 2 is what we want to see, so those numbers are perfect!

They both had brains, 4-chambered hearts, 2 arms and 2 legs each, and were very wiggly. Awesome.

And, I got to see this mysterious cervix of mine. It measured 4.0 cm! And was completely closed. So that is wonderful, wonderful news. I go back to the MFM in 2 weeks for another cervix check but the doctor said that the measurements don't get any better than what mine was, so I should relax for the next 2 weeks if I can. How awesome is that?

I am finished with Calculus and I got an A! YAY!!!! Now I am on to Physics II and my writing course called "Practical Criticism". A couple more As would certainly be nice for the ol' GPA!

Sorry for the short post, but some update is better than none, right?

Hugs to you all!
Amy

10 Weeks: Good News

2010-08-04T09:06:00.001-05:00

I had my appointment with the MFM yesterday afternoon. It took 2 1/2 hours! The place was PACKED. Apparently there are a lot of high risk pregnancies to follow in St. Louis.

I had a long ultrasound. The babies looked awesome. They were very wiggly. Baby C1 even kicked his leg out one time. It was the cutest.thing.ever. The babies are now within 1 day of each other: Baby C1 measured 9w1d and had a heart rate of 176 and Baby C2 measured 9w0d and had a heart rate of 180. I am very, very relieved at this point!

Note: the pictures below are not the greatest because I scanned them at work (not the best quality scanner for pics!!!!)

Baby C1

Baby C2

Don't they look more like identical twins now?!?!?!?! ;)

The MFM didn't seem to grasp why I was there. She seemed to think I was only being evaluated because the babies were measuring differently. She was starting to sound like they had no reason to see me again now that they're the same size. She asked, "Did your OB suggest that she wanted you to be sen here serially?" I said, "Actually, I'm here because I had a loss in February at 16 weeks due to a possible incompetent cervix..." then she started nodding her head condescendingly like "Oh yeah, I know all about that, you fool" which she TOTALLY DIDN'T. So then she patronizingly explained that it is too soon to evaluate my cervix, because: "at this point your cervix just blends in with your utereus" She actually said that last bit while looking directly at Forest. Erm, he doesn't have a cervix. (I'm just being overly-critical, I know, I know). So, I'm to go back in 3 weeks for an hour long ultrasound where they will measure my cervix in excruciating detail (yay!).

I am learning that you definitely have to manage your own care. It was like the MFM Hut in there. It would not have surprised me to see a "Now Serving" sign like the deli at the grocery store.

Next up: Regular OB appointment next Wednesday (8/11) at 11 weeks!

Also, Calculus is OVER tonight! The final is at 5:30. I will soon be free from Calculus FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that would be assuming I don't have to actually apply my mad Calculus skills in Physics II next semester...maybe not a reasonable assumption?).

8w2d: Ultrasound #3 - Now With Pictures

2010-07-23T13:50:00.002-05:00

First of all, thank you so much for all of your comments and support. You guys are the awesomest!

We just got home from my 3rd ultrasound - the first one with my regular OB.

The good news: both babies have great heartbeats. Baby C1's is 158 and Baby C2's is 155. Both sacs look great. They're very round - apparently a "banana shape" is a bad thing, and we don't have that. Baby C1 measured 8w0d and looked huge.

The not-as-good news: Baby C2 is even more behind now, measuring 7w2d. Dr. S is not concerned. She said that they don't get concerned unless they measure more than a week apart. Baby C2 is just in a super awkward position, they say. It's like she's at a 90 degree angle to Baby C1 and it seems like they're always looking at her from the end.

So, I'm still worried. Of course.

Next up: see an MFM. They are supposed to call me by Tuesday and set up an appointment. If they don't schedule something for the week of August 2nd, I can go back to Dr. S for another ultrasound that week.

On my referral to the MFM, Dr. S wrote 4 risk factors:

IVF - twins
History of pre-ecclampsia at delivery
History of delivery at 16 weeks after premature rupture of membranes, possible incompetent cervix?
MTHFR - homozygous

So, we'll see how the MFM wants to handle all of that. To cerclage or not to cerclage?

Once again, time will tell. Ugh. Waiting. Not my strong suit!

Worry

2010-07-20T11:20:00.005-05:00

I am worried about Baby C2. I know it's dumb. I don't have any more reason to worry today than I did on Friday, but the doubt has creeped into my happy thoughts nonetheless. I am trying to keep those "positive thoughts only" going strong, but, for ~~some reason~~ no apparent reason, today I don't feel so optimistic about little C2.

It may be because Katie has started telling people IRL that we're having twins. This makes me wish we'd waited to even tell her for a few more weeks until we could see how little C2 is doing. Katie has actually been a huge proponent of waiting to tell people. With Jack she chastised me for telling people so soon. But this time, most of the people IRL who know (16 at last count) she told. I got an e-mail from the mom of one of her friends congratulating me and offering prayers. Of course the prayers are welcomed and very thoughtful, but I'm just not ready for the word to be spreading like this.

All of the moms on her dance team are bound to know within short order and I don't feel comfortable with that. I think this is because they were all at the dance competition where we lost Jack. The next week, the Coach asked Katie what they could do/make for us and Katie told them that I love desserts (which is, uhhhh, true enough and all...). The Thursday after the miscarriage the girls were performing at a basketball game. Forest had class that night, so I was there by myself and no one sat by me. At one point I almost started crying in the bleachers (or, I probably actually did start crying in the bleachers, now that I think about it) and I felt like an outcast. After the girls perform at halftime, the dance team moms generally make their way to the auditorium where the girls have all of their stuff. There is generally picture taking and merriment. As I was walking out of the gym, one of the moms (who I had never actually talked to before) said (extremely bluntly), "I can't believe you're here tonight." Uhhhh. Okay. Sorry. I guess I should have just sent my daughter to the game alone!?!?!? I don't even remember what I said in response. Probably something like, "Yeah. It's hard" or some crap. So I walk into the hallway and the girls all run toward me, placing bags of brownies, cupcakes, and various other snack items in front of me. It was very thoughtful and sweet, but also pretty overwhelming and awkward. I felt like all of the moms and the coaches were watching me intently, waiting to see me cry. That whole time period was very hard, obviously. I guess I just have some lingering weird feelings about the dance team moms. I can just imagine the ripple of gossip that went through when the girls learned (and then told their moms) I was expecting Jack (there really aren't very many expectant mothers of Sophomores in high school...at least not at Katie's school!), and then when I lost him. And now I'm imagining the ripple of gossip again. It just makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why - they are generally nice people (except that one tacky, blunt one). I guess I just picture this round of news ("Katie's mom is having twins!") and then imagining the horribleness of a theoretical next round ("One of Katie's mom's babies died") and it just makes me feel sick. If that does happen, I definitely hope they don't bake me anymore Festive Condolence Cupcakes and shower me in other Grief Snacks, because that was weird.

Oh well. Well wishes should only make me feel better, not worse. I hate feeling this way. I just want to enjoy Baby C1 and Baby C2 every second they are with us. That's what I need to focus on.

Is it Friday yet?

Wanding 2.0 - The Graduationing

2010-07-16T16:23:00.006-05:00

We just got home from the ultrasound. I'm 7w2d.

Baby C1 was front and center with a great, strong heartbeat (132 bpm), looking all perfect, measuring 7w1d and generally showing off his awesomeness (yes, that's right, we've decided Baby C1 is a boy).

Baby C2 continued to make her mommy worry (we predict Baby C2 is a girl). While her heartbeat is pretty much just as perfect as Baby C1's (at 129 bpm), she remained out of focus! And she measured 6w5d. Dr. A said that if we didn't have Baby C1 sitting right there to compare her to, we would think Baby C2 looked great. But it was pretty clear that Dr. A is concerned about C2, saying things like, "time will tell, of course" so I have to have a little bit of apprehension. Right now it's at a low level, though.

I am now released from the RE and am off all restrictions. Next up is my first appointment with the regular OB, Dr. S, next Friday (7/23). Then I'll be getting a referral to an MFM specialist. I am looking forward to seeing the babies again next week. Hopefully Baby C2 will do something reassuring by then (like grow 3 extra days-worth or so).

So, it's all good news (right?)! YAY!!!

Results of the Wanding (Sort Of)

2010-07-08T17:58:00.006-05:00

We saw two sacs:

As you can see, there is clearly a sweet little baby in the left-hand sac. It had a cute little heartbeat too. The other sac would not come into focus. He tried, but he said it was as far away as it could possibly be and he just couldn't see it clearly. In one view we could tell there was definitely a yolk sac in there and he was pretty sure he saw a baby, but it was so out of focus there was no way to see a heartbeat or lack thereof. He said the sac looks good - it is the same size as the the other sac and there is not really a reason to think there's not a baby, but it just wasn't aligned properly.

So, we are pretty sure there are two Baby C's in there, but we won't know for sure for 8 long days. Next ultrasound is next Friday (7/16) at 2:10 pm. Weekly ultrasounds are very, very nice...but I suck at waiting!!!!!

We are off to celebrate at a new (to us) pizzeria called Pi (clever, eh?). I am so, so happy. And I will be even happier once we know for sure next Friday (only 8 more sleeps!). Until then it's positive thoughts only for Baby C1 and Baby C2!

6w0d: Wanding Eve

2010-07-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

I have stolen this update from Preheated Oven...But No Bun in Sight, who is now 11 weeks! Those kind of double-digit weeks can't get here fast enough! She, in turn, stole it from another blogger, so it can be a whole webring, if you want (did I just demonstrate how oooooooold I am, with a webring reference? Yeah? Well, whatevs).

How Far Along? 6 weeks, 0 days

How I'm Feeling Overall: Elated - until I remember what it feels like to fall from this point. Then I try to temper my elation, but then I remember: POSITIVE THOUGHTS ONLY for our baby. I have only been a teeny, tiny bit nauseous. Maybe only infinitesimally slightly more so than with Jack. I am pretty exhausted at the end of the day, but that's probably really not a new thing.

Maternity Clothes? Not just yet. Although I do still have everything I bought when I was hoping to be ginormously pregnant with Jack, so I'll be pretty well set when I do get to that point. I am still down almost 20 pounds from Weight Watchers, so all of my clothes (even some of the new ones I bought) are still fitting nicely. Thank GOODNESS I lost that weight. I felt so gross at 220+

Stretch Marks? No more than I started with.

Sleep? Favorite.Thing.Ever. I have been counting the sleeps till Wanding Day (only one more to go!!!). I still sleep every night with the tiny lamb blanket we had embroidered with Jack's name.

Last night I had a breakdown before I went to sleep because I miss him so much. When I went to the hospital when I felt the bulging membranes (where my water broke in the triage room), they couldn't find Jack's heartbeat with the doppler in the ER. They were RETARDED. I don't know if I will be able to post about that whole part in the ER for awhile, because it was pretty ghastly. So they were going to bring in another nurse to try to find his heartbeat and I started sobbing and saying, "What difference does it make!?!?!?" I mean REALLY - did it matter!?!?!??!?!??! He was going to die soon enough if he wasn't dead already. Those people were just over their heads in that situation. Before I went to L&D they wanted me to get a ultrasound, just to get their bearings for the delivery, I guess. I couldn't watch the ultrasound - it was too hard. But Forest watched. When I asked him if the baby was still alive he said, "I think so" and later said something about thinking he saw the heartbeat, but he wasn't sure. So last night I asked him if he could see Jack moving around on the ultrasound and he said "yes" and I asked him if he looked like he was in distress and he WOULDN'T EFFING ANSWER ME and I was like, "JUST TELL ME" and he said that he couldn't tell if he was in distress or not. Forest doesn't want to upset me and he doesn't want to tell me something that will make me sadder, but having him NOT SAY ANYTHING makes me CRAZY like I cannot explain. So, anyway, just thinking about those horrible hours when I knew my baby was going to die, but I knew he wasn't dead yet, brought on the tears.

Best Moment of the Week? Hmmmmm. I guess just all the relaxing I did over the long weekend. I didn't make one iota of progress on the remodeling we need to do, but I certainly read a lot of blogs!

Movement? No.

Food Cravings/Aversions? Not really, although gyros sound good Every.Single.Day.

Gender? Not yet, but we will be finding out at the earliest opportunity.

What I'm looking forward to? The wanding TOMORROW. At 2 pm CST. Dear goodness, I can't wait. I don't know how I'm going to get through the morning!

Weekly Wisdom: Stay positive. Not enjoying where you're at today won't make you feel any better if it all falls apart.

Milestones: Seeing the heartbeat (Oh how I hope, hope, hope that's tomorrow!)

Emotions? Maybe a little snippy. Maybe a little weepy. But mostly relieved and happy.

Well, I hope I have good news to report tomorrow! I think I'll go to bed so it gets here faster!

For the Record

2010-07-04T11:26:00.008-05:00

On Tuesday I called to make an appointment with my OB (Dr. S) - even though I haven't been released by the RE (Dr. A) yet, obviously - because she will be the one sending me to the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialist to monitor my cervix (among other things) and place a cerclage if necessary.

The nurse making the appointment was just following their normal procedure - to see me at 8 weeks for a 1/2-hour appointment including an ultrasound to see the baby's heartbeat and then another 1/2-hour appointment 2 weeks later (I don't recall if I'd have bloodwork between those two appointments that we'd discuss at the 2nd one - I think that's the plan). So I asked the nurse if she could just let Dr. S know that I am pregnant, because I just had a miscarriage at 16 weeks in February, this pregnancy is through IVF, and Dr. S had previously indicated that she'd want me to see an MFM, and I am just wondering if she'd like to do anything differently with me. The nurse said she'd give Dr. S a note and call me back if anything would change.

On Thursday she called back and said that Dr. S would wait to refer me to the MFM until after she's seen me (still at 8 weeks, which is fine - I won't really be released from Dr. A until then anyway) and that she wanted me "to get my records from my first pregnancy, when I had that diagnosis." Erm...that was a confusing statement. I should have said, "what diagnosis?" because the conversation got more confusing from there. I asked, "Do you mean from the hospital?" She said, "Just whatever doctor you were seeing for that pregnancy." I was assuming (and still assume) that the "diagnosis" to which she was referring was incompetent cervix, so I said, "Well, my doctor was Dr. S - it was just in February" and she said "Oh. Let me look through here. Hmmm. She must mean your first pregnancy. Back in '94. Yeah. Yes. That's the one."

Okaaaaay. I really don't see what anyone would expect to learn from my records from when I had Katie. The only complication I had was preeclampsia at delivery (which Dr. S already knows about, and for which monitoring is pretty well-established). Wouldn't the more relevant records be from the hospital where I delivered Jack? I decided I'd request both, since I'm pretty sure that nurse was, to put it nicely, confused.

I still have to go by and sign a release for my records at my first OB's office, but I called the hospital in Springfield where Jack was delivered and faxed over a request on Thursday. Yesterday I got the records in the mail (that was fast!).

So, it turns out, I definitely had an infection.

I sort of knew this because I'd had an appointment with Dr. S on the Wednesday before that fateful Saturday. The results of my bloodwork and urine culture I'd had done the week before had come back and she said that the urine culture was positive for "mixed vaginal and urethral flora". She said that was weird because, usually if you have a urinary tract infection, the report will say something like "E. coli > 100,000/mL." So, she seemed a little confused, but not very concerned. She gave me a prescription for 6 Macrobid (to take twice a day for 3 days), which I did not even have filled until THURSDAY. I didn't even start taking them until FRIDAY morning.

When I was in the hospital, shortly before I was discharged, a new house OB had come in - different from the one who ordered my epidural, gave me pitocin, and evaluated me after I delivered Jack, which I did around 5 am, during an Ambien-induced slumber.

After they had given me the epidural and pitocin and put on the contraction monitors, they said they would check on me and to call them if I felt anything different. They had offered Ambien previously, which I didn't think was necessary until I realized that I was just going to be lying there, waiting to deliver, by myself all night. I requested the Ambien (my first experience with it) and it kicked in pretty quickly. Apparently I asked Forest to "tell me a story". I used to do this a long time ago, and the "story" I always wanted him to tell was his version of the night we met. So he started telling the story and he said that I kept asking him to repeat "the sweet parts". I don't have any recollection of this, but I think only part of my brain could hear the story and the other part was already asleep. Forest said that only went on for 5 minutes or so and then I was completely out. I woke up off and on throughout the night - I'd remember where I was and what was happening and then decide to go back to sleep rather than wallow in the situation, alone, in the dark. But then around 5 am I woke up from a wave of anguish so overwhelming I can't describe it. I burst into sobs which woke up Forest and we talked and cried for awhile. He was adjusting my blankets for me and he noticed a lot of blood and "stuff". He said, "I think it's happened" and called the nurse's station. They came down and I had delivered Jack. They told us we'd had a little boy, took him off to clean him up, and cleaned me up. Forest held me the whole time. I can't even imagine how I could have endured that without him. Any of this, really. He gives me strength and comfort I never knew was possible.

Anyway, I think the shift changed at 6 am so a new OB came in before we left. He asked me if I had any questions. Most of the questions I had were for God, and not for him, but I asked him "What would cause my cervix to just dilate all of a sudden on a Saturday afternoon?" Honestly, I can't even remember what he said - I know he ended up talking about what they do if you come in with bulging membranes that haven't ruptured yet. Apparently they invert you, pretty much upside down, for months and months. I asked him if it could have been an infection and he said that, if it were, I would've been in labor, which I wasn't.

So, this is what made me think that my body had just betrayed me - my cervix just randomly dilating and expelling my beautifully formed baby 24 weeks early. My RE disagrees. Without seeing any records or hearing much at all of the story, Dr. A said that it was way more likely to be an issue with the placenta or an infection and that I was in labor, but just didn't feel it.

Well, my records confirm that I had an elevated white blood cell count (specifically neutrophils and monocytes). So, I definitely had an infection somewhere. The placenta had no pathology - the cord insertion was eccentric (which Dr. Google says means "in the center", which is where it's supposed to be) and there were no signs of infarct.

It was, as you might imagine, pretty emotional to go through the records and relive that horrible night. But I am very glad I got them. I don't know why I didn't request them sooner, actually. It helps to have an indication that there was a reason for what happened (if not, like, a cosmic reason, at least a medical one) and that it is something that can be monitored for to *hopefully* prevent another occurrence.

So that was my Saturday. Today we're going to go to Fair St. Louis to celebrate our Independence from those meddlesome Brits (ha ha). We're going to see the air show, the B-52s and fireworks. If any cute pictures emerge from these festivities, I'll be sure to post them.

I hope you all have a great day :)

5w0d: A Little Update

2010-06-30T15:19:00.011-05:00

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant!!!

Last night I had my last Lovenox injection! Yay!!!!
Dr. A won't be in the office on July 7th (the day my 1st ultrasound should've been) so I'll be having it on July 8th (next Thursday). I'll be 6w1d, so I would very much hope to see a heartbeat (or beats).
I took a half day of vacation today to have 2 cavities filled. The dentist's policy is to avoid the use of lidocaine until the 2nd trimester, so I only had one of them filled (that didn't require any numbing) and I made an appointment for the other one for August.
I celebrated the rest of my free afternoon by going to Baskin-Robbins and getting the most delicious double-scoop in a waffle cone. Caramel? Chocolate? Peanut Butter? My creation had it all!
Calculus class #6 tonight: It is going really well and is already almost 1/3 over! Gotta love summer classes!

This weekend, we are going to start the work necessary to make a nursery. It's going to be significant. I'm afraid to take a "before" pictures because they will be SCARY! Here are the steps:

Clean out the "den" and get its roof fixed: The "den" is an addition to the back our house from the 70s (the rest of our house was built in 1924). It has a fireplace and we used to have a TV, couch, some chairs, and computer back there. But we decided we didn't like that set-up, so we moved our computer to the dining room, which is open to the living room, where the main TV is. Since that time, the roof on the addition started leaking. It has a drop ceiling and many, many of the tiles are seriously damaged (plus they're super ugly). It has since become a repository for CRAP. It's like a giant (20 x 13) unorganized closet with a falling down ceiling (not pretty). It's bad. But, our plan is to move our bedroom to this room which will involve fixing the roof, putting in a new ceiling, replacing the fugly paneling with drywall, building a closet, doing something to make the fugly fireplace look pretty, new carpet, and, of course, all new bedroom furniture, bedding, and decor.
Make our existing bedroom into a nursery: This will just involve normal activities like new carpet, painting, closet organization, furniture, bedding, and decor.
Painting and decorating Katie's room: Katie's room is upstairs in our 1 1/2 story house. It has the potential to look like an adorable Pottery Barn room, but we have never had the money set aside to paint & decorate at the same time when Katie knew how she wanted it done (her tastes have changed frequently over the 6 years we've lived here). But I know she won't feel it's fair if we get a new room and the baby gets a new room while hers is still a blank slate, so we need to do commit to an idea and do it.

I'm thinking all of that will take every bit of the next 35 weeks! I need the blogosphere to hold me accountable!!!

I guess that's it for me...there's not much to do at this point except wait for the ultrasound (and get busy on those projects, of course)!

8dp5dt: Second Beta Results

2010-06-23T12:54:00.007-05:00

The office just called with my beta from this morning: 63! That is A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!!! The doubling time was 27.13 hours. My second beta with Jack was 40. Needless to say, I am over the moon!!!!!

My first ultrasound is July 7th (6w0d).

My due date is March 2, 2011.

Also, today is our 4th wedding anniversary. I have Calculus tonight and Forest is working on a paper, so we're not really doing anything to celebrate today. Maybe over the weekend we'll have a nice dinner out (one of our favorite activities). We have A LOT to celebrate, after all!!!!

Forest had these sent to work. He is a keeper, for sure :)

Thank you all for the congratulatory comments. Your support is invaluable to me!!!

We're not planning to spread the news in real life for awhile. Right now I feel like waiting until 20 weeks! We'll see how it goes. The only people who know right now are Katie and my friend Kim. Forest is going to tell his kids this week, but other than that, we're going to wait. So, if you know me in real life, help me keep it on the down low, pretty please?

7dp5dt: A Little Less Ghost...A Little More Line...And a Beta to Boot!

2010-06-22T14:04:00.013-05:00

Well, thankfully, the lines are ever so slowly getting ever so modestly darker.

From this morning:

You can see this one without using your imagination, right?

Also, I got my beta from yesterday (6dp5dt): 21. With Jack, my beta at 6dp5dt was 18.

In the way of symptoms, I've had some cramps today (that's a good thing, right?) and I am so.freaking.tired! Also, I maybe felt ever so slightly nauseous this afternoon. YAY!!! I'll cherish every moment of it!

I am still feeling really good about everything. Although, I don't think my prediction about twins is going to bear out, given these faint positives and that singleton-esque beta. Time will tell, I guess!

Second beta is tomorrow. Yay!!!

5dp5dt: Wanna See My Ghost Line?

2010-06-20T12:14:00.027-05:00

Well, I tested this morning...

...I tested yesterday morning too (at 4dp5dt) just to make sure the trigger shot was out of my system...which it was.

For what purpose would one have a trigger shot during an FET?, you ask? My clinic says the hormonal environment should mimic an ovulatory cycle as much as possible.

I woke up around 5 am today and knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep without testing...so I did. I promise there is the faintest, slightest, hint of a bordering-on-imaginary line. Here is the picture Forest took, holding it up to the light:

It's the + sign = BFP kind

Hmmmmmm....you can't see it? Even if you tilt your head? Even if you look at your screen at an angle? Well you'll just have to use your imagination, then!!!

Here it is in black & white with the color boosted by 9 times (that seems mutually exclusive, doesn't it? Well NOTHING is too hard for my MacBrook Pro):

How about now? You see it now, right? Right?

Okay, so I took this one at 5:00 pm. Can you see this one?

It's there...fo' sho - a bit more noticeable in person. I can see it. It's my favorite one so far. :)

My first beta is tomorrow, but they don't typically provide the results of that one unless you ask, specifically, and it's not a STAT order, so they claim they don't get the results until the following day (which I happen to know is not true, depending on the time of day one has one's blood drawn, but I digress). The second beta is Wednesday and they call with the results of that one.

Of course I will test tomorrow morning too, at which time I'm hoping to see a bit more line and a bit less ghost.

I am still very optimistic - I figure negative thoughts don't do ANY good and, at least in my case, negative thoughts don't help prepare me for disappointment, should some be looming in my future. So it's positive thoughts only up in here!!!!

I am also very excited that I got to meet a friend from the Internets last night! My friend Jen from the What to Expect When You're Expecting (WTE) board we used to post on came to vacation in St. Louis and she wanted to meet me!!!!!!!! We went to the Royale Dumpe - a 16th Century Dinner Theatre. A fun time was had by all :)

So, uh, let me know, Jen, if you don't want me to post your picture on the Internet, and I'll take it down!!! :) But isn't she cute!?!??!? She wonderful and has such a sweet spirit. I am honored that she wanted to meet me.

I feel very blessed to have "met" such wonderful ladies, like Jen, over these troubling years. You are definitely infertility's silver lining!!! Love you all, MUAH!

Glowing

2010-06-17T21:49:00.009-05:00

So a co-worker came into my cube today to talk work stuff, but he kept getting distracted by how "radiant" I looked. He actually said that I was "glowing" and he asked me what was different. He asked if I had gotten some sun or what I changed. I said, "Maybe it's because my hair is getting longer?" (I'm not quite ready to be spreading the potential news among co-workers!).

He's a bit of a flirt in general, but it's nice to know I look happy enough to appear to be "glowing" already!

He is an MD, so maybe his diagnostic skills are just.that.good ;) We're 2dp5dt :)

3 Blasts Left

2010-06-16T15:32:00.005-05:00

My coordinator at the RE gave me the "particulars" on our frozen blasts:

They froze the 6 we had "2, 2, 1, 1", meaning two were frozen in pairs and two more were frozen separately. I didn't ask how they decided to do that, or if the configuration had anything to do with the quality of the blasts in November. But, the bottom line is that they did a slow-thaw of 2 yesterday morning and then, when we got there yesterday afternoon, decided to thaw one more with the "quick-thaw" procedure for whatever reason. Maybe one of the slow-thaws didn't have a high cell survival rate? I dunno (which is why I put "particulars" in quotes!). But, anyway, we transferred 3 and we have 3 left. So that's cool! :)

My 24-hours of bed rest has now come to an end. I'm going to get off the couch now and take a shower and go to class. I started Calculus on Monday (again). I'm actually going to finish the class this time...I promise!!!

Mah Bay-bees

2010-06-15T16:40:00.004-05:00

Pictures as promised! Hey - I'm on bedrest, so I can fulfill my blogging obligations for 24 hours!

Here are the Crawford Triplets as of 1:30 pm CST June 15, 2010:

I believe that the bigger two are the "slow-thaw" blasts they started warming up this morning. And I guess the third one is from a quick-thaw this afternoon. It doesn't really seem like they followed my thawing instructions...and I don't know yet whether there was a 4th one that was thawed and didn't make it...details, details - they're light on them at this office.

And here I am enjoying the "recovery room" with a bladder very full of 2 very large margaritas (one pear and one pomegranate):

So far I feel strangely optimistic. I say it's twins: a boy and a girl. Hey - I was right about Jack wasn't I? Let's see if I can get luckier with the whole staying pregnant part this time...

My first beta is MONDAY! I plan to POAS Sunday.

Triplets for now...

2010-06-15T13:42:00.001-05:00

Well, we transferred 3 lovely blasts, so I'm pregnant with triplets for now :)

I'll post pics soon - I'm still in the supine position with a bladder full of 2 margaritas...

Transfer Day!

2010-06-15T08:13:00.004-05:00

Only 4 hours and 47 minutes till transfer!!! I'm excited!!!!!

It Was the Best of Times...

2010-06-13T18:18:00.003-05:00

So, Katie's Sweet Sixteen was last weekend. Here is the highlight reel:

Katie & Allison - we all had "katie's sweet sixteen" shirts with monograms

White birthday shirts for the grown-ups - Forest is a good sport, but he drew the line at lilac sleeveless

The crew in the car (Lauren, Grace & Allison from L to R in the backseat). On our way to play golf!

A turtle on the greens!

A break to let some others "play through"

They made it through FIVE HOLES, but then the car arrived to take them to the hotel

We arrived at the Four Seasons at the Lumiere Place Casino

Forest and I decorated the suite...

Custom root beers & cream sodas

...while the girls were chillin' at the pool

The girls went back to the room to get ready for dinner. This took THREE AND A HALF HOURS, no lie.

While we were waiting, Forest and I enjoyed some drinks & appetizers on the patio at Cielo

Finally, the girls were ready!

We had dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory

The whole restaurant sang Happy Birthday!

At 12:47 am on June 6th we had cake to mark Katie's EXACT birthday

Sunday morning they got in one final bask in the sun

Overall it was a great success :) Katie has decided she wants all future parties to be at the Four Seasons. We shall see...

On Sunday we had a family birthday dinner:

Katie & Grammy

Katie & Mommy

Forest & Me

Happy Sweet Sixteen Katie!!!

Then Monday she got her Drivers License!

Times are changing - that's for sure!

Other updates:

In additional baby making news, the FET is in full swing. A myriad of IM injections are entering my gluteus maxima each night. We are scheduled to transfer 1 to 3 blasts on Tuesday at 1 pm CST! Wish us luck!!!
In unrelated, but adorable news, I connected with an old friend from high school on Facebook and she is having a giveaway on her adorable blog. Check out these AWESOME little hats (that turn into purses!) and register to win one on Emily's blog! Good luck!

FETs are Weird

2010-06-02T20:57:00.000-05:00

I feel like this "cycle" has been going on forever. I think I started BCPs in April or something. And now it's June. And it's still TWO WEEKS till the transfer! Why does it need to take so long?

It's Silly.

My protocol was:

BCPs for-evah...
Add 10 units of Lupron for a couple of days...
Drop it down to 5 units of Lupron for awhile...

I know this isn't exactly what you'd call informational, but I don't feel like getting off the couch and checking my calendar to make it accurate.

So anyway, Lupron for awhile (plus Dexamethasone in the morning, for fun and energy) and then Monday we started these periodic "E2V" IM injections. Do not ask me what that's for - I guess it's just to throw some estrogen in there to make my lining shiny since my ovaries are all suppressed and stuff, given the weeks and weeks of Lupron. The first of these shots was Monday and the next one will be tomorrow evening. Then I do another on Monday (the 7th) and on Thursday (the 10th). Then I await further instructions. I imagine those instructions will involve the Z-pak and, at some point, the PIO in my cabinet and the Ovidrel in my refrigerator.

Transfer is tentatively set for Tuesday the 15th. The only thing that could mess it up is if my lining acts weird.

I had a random transvag u/s yesterday. I guess it was just to make sure I didn't develop a giant cyst or polyp or something over the last month. I told Dr. A our plan for the thaw:

Slow-thaw 2 (of 6) blasts the morning of 6/15.
If both survive, transfer them.
If they don't survive, quick-thaw 2 more and transfer those 2.

An ingenious plan, don't you think?

But then he said, "What if only one survives? Do we still thaw 2 more?"

Drat! I hadn't thought of that! So, Forest and I talked about it and decided that, if only one survives, that is what we'll do: thaw 2 more and transfer all three. YIKES, right? But I guess the chances for triplets in that situation are pretty slim. Forest would seriously freak the heck out if we had triplets. But surely he'd get used to it, right?

Anyway, I will now stop counting my blastocysts before they thaw.

I guess I think the FET is weird because it's so sloooowwwww. There's not as much to obsess over. No follicle counts, no exciting yet scary E2 numbers, no threat of OHSS, no hormone-fueled excursions into the crazy recesses of my mind, no fear that the eggs won't be mature, no fear that the eggs won't fertilize, no fear that the embryos will stop dividing. Just thumb-twiddling mostly.

But on the cool side, I am FET-ing at roughly the same time as IF blog royalty. And Cindy posted some totally nom-able pictures of her (for realz) seriously adorable baby, which makes the whole Internet happy :)

Also, Lis put it perfectly when she marveled at how cool it would be if her upcoming FET works and she brings home a baby from the same batch of blasts as his sisters. That would be truly, truly cool indeed! I hope that one of Jack's pack makes it into our arms too.

Cheers!
Amy

How Come?

2010-05-19T21:47:00.001-05:00

How come even though I log in every 20 minutes or so, the Internet never says that Cindy has had Baby Murgdan?

Or maybe she had him and invited everyone else to a super secret new blog where she is telling the birth story and posting pictures of his sure-to-be-adorable self and she just forgot to invite me. If that's it, someone send me the link!!!!!

Also, please tell me I'm not the only one who has clicked to her blog at least 500 times since Sunday! Cuz if I am, I'll feel like a creepy stalker.

A Difference of Opinion

2010-04-30T18:21:00.000-05:00

So...

My RE has some different thoughts on the upcoming FET than moi.

I had a fluid ultrasound today to make sure that there are no "retained products of conception" in my humble uterus. There were not, so I've got that going for me (which is nice). For those of you playing at home, this marked the 12th cranking open of my cervix in the last 3 years.

I did not think it would be a terribly big deal (emotionally) to go back to the RE's office. I drove there just fine...pulled into the parking lot (nearly running over a fellow IF-er)...parked the car...walked up to the building...and then I saw the big heavy door. I wasn't expecting the feeling of sadness I felt when I remembered how heavy the door is...how the lobby is decorated...which suite houses my hopes my dreams my RE. I hadn't really thought about the office since we "graduated" in December after seeing Jack's beautiful heartbeat. Coming back so soon with all those familiar thoughts and feelings of hope and worry and skepticism (and a wee bit of something close to anger that getting pregnant isn't "supposed to" happen like this) felt sad. Suddenly my mood matched the gray sky and blustery winds. It felt more like Fall than Spring today: more like I was settling in for a long, hard Winter than a lazy, blissful Summer.

Anyway...the doctor and all of the staff were very sweet, acknowledging our loss and asking how I was doing (ummm, do you really want to know how I'm doing? Didn't think so).

I had the ultrasound which went niftily (as I mentioned) and Dr. A asked me what happened with Jack. I told him that I felt bulging membranes, went to the ER, and, while I was being checked in, my water broke. I went to L&D where they induced labor.

He asked if they did any testing. I said "No" because he was growing perfectly and had no signs of any distress and there was nothing wrong with him. He asked if they tested the placenta. I said "No" because they just assumed it was an incompetent cervix.

He recommended thawing THREE of our frozen embryos and transferring all that may survive. He asked me how I felt about that.

I said, "Well, if my cervix is incompetent, I was thinking it might be even riskier to try to carry multiples." And this is where things got interesting...

He said:

He doubts it was really IC that caused the miscarriage. He said that, in his experience, true IC is very rare and that more likely I was in preterm labor (with no pain) due to infection or a problem with the placenta, but we won't really know because they didn't examine it.
Even if it was IC the measures they take (i.e., cerclage and bedrest) are the same whether you're carrying 1, 2, or 3 babies.
Eight of our embryos made it to Day 5. He said that, statistically, that represents "two babies" (I gather this is his way of saying that 1 in 4 embryos results in a genetically normal fetus). So we just need to find the "other baby" in the remaining 6 embryos. In other words, he feels that transferring THREE gives us the best odds that we will end up with ONE, and there's certainly no guarantee.

And, obviously, I know there is no guarantee. But, wow, to hear it in those terms was...unexpected.

I said, "Okay. I trust you." And I guess I do.

Basically Random Thoughts

2010-04-29T18:56:00.001-05:00

I almost started crying today in a large project meeting. "Why is that?", you ask? One of the people at the meeting was calling in from Asia. A high-speed train of thought barreled through my head - blasting from the guy on the phone...to another guy who used to work here in St. Louis and then returned to Japan for an awesome promotion...to the promotion of the Leonardo DiCaprio character in Revolutionary Road...to the (spoiler alert) eventual DIY abortion of the Kate Winslet character in Revolutionary Road...to the day Jack was born/died. I realized that practically ANY random thought is only milliseconds away from tumbling off a steep cliff face, plummeting straight into an ocean of Jack grief. Which is bittersweet - because I love Jack and I love remembering every moment we had with him - but also makes my eyes bulge with alligator tears during wholly unrelated Thursday afternoon project meetings.
I have been looking at nursery decor. Premature? Of course. But I can't help but be hopeful that our FET will work. Although part of me can't believe I am back to thinking "if I get pregnant" or "when I am pregnant" - I mean: wasn't I JUST here? I should still BE pregnant, damn it! Jack should still be living snugly in my uterus. Kicking me and squirming (and now the alligator tears are back. I digress.)
We have a name in contention for a future, magical baby. We have loved the name JACK for years. It is pretty much the only name we could agree on for a boy. Forest seems to have some problem with 99.9999% of boy names. Wanna know his suggestion? GREGAN. Mmmmm Hmmm. That's what I thought too. But now we have suddenly discovered that we both like the name DANIEL. I would love for JACK to be the middle name if we are blessed to bring home a little boy someday, but when paired with DANIEL, it just connotes whiskey. Oh well, we have plenty of time to decide...
Do you ever wonder if there is a higher risk for incompetent cervix associated with ART? I do. I just wonder if the cranking open of my cervix for 3 D&Cs, 4 fluid ultrasounds, 3 IUIs and an ET in the space of 2 years was a contributor. Sigh.
Thank you all for continuing to read my random thoughts. A candle will burn for each of you in the cathedral of my heart forever :)

Just The Facts

2010-04-26T20:21:00.001-05:00

DIET
Starting Weight: 222.8 lb (2/22/10)
Current Weight: 203.0 lb
In Other Words: 19.8 lb lost after 9 weeks of WW!

FET
CD 1 - TODAY!!! (31 day cycle - that's totally almost normal, right?)
4/28/10 (Wednesday) - Start BCPs
4/30/10 (Friday) - Fluid Ultrasound
...
(((some stuff in between - I don't have my calendar yet)))
...
6/7/10 (Monday) - FET (estimated)

WORK
Exciting. A group of us is working on a "local" chapter of RAPS (What? You don't know what that is? Well it's the Regulatory Affairs Professional Society, of course!) in the Memphis Area (who knew St. Louis was in the "Memphis Area"? Pas moi!). So, you know, if you're a Regulatory Affairs Professional in the Midwest/Mid-South, hit me up :)

INTERNET FRIENDS
Da bomb :)

Mini Update

2010-04-21T19:19:00.002-05:00

I've lost 18.6 pounds so far :)

Forest has lost 18.6 pounds so far :)

We are signed up for the June 7th FET cycle :)

I am headed to my second Zumba class where I will burn 1,000,000 1,000 calories in one hour :)

I miss Jack :((

Blog? Who Me?

2010-04-01T18:18:00.002-05:00

So, I've been neglecting my blog...AGAIN. Who is surprised? No one, I am sure.

Things have been going....okay. As well as can be expected, really. When people ask Forest how we're doing he replies with a cheerful, "Great!" and I scowl and say "Speak for yourself. I am 'okay', I am not 'great'." I have days where I'm happy - I can laugh and joke and do fun things. And I have days where I'm inconsolable for "no reason" - meaning, I can't point my finger at why I feel like running away and rolling up in a ball and crying - and I the only thing I can point to is that a part of me, of Forest, of US is missing. Jack is gone and we will never know him on Earth. And that's enough to make me roll up in a ball and cry for awhile.

In exciting news, Weight Watchers is going swimmingly. I have lost 12.6 pounds, which is very neat. I met my 5% goal and, when I was doing Weight Watchers last year, I said I'd get a pedicure when I got to 5% (which I didn't get to that time, but this time is different!). I plan to get that pedicure next week and I just might post a pic (we'll see how cute they can make my grown-up-sized-baby-feet look with a bit of polish!). It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier to do Weight Watchers with Forest. He is doing great as well - he has lost 13.4 pounds. He was shocked to find that he was at 238 lb when we joined - he thought he was about 215! He wants to be at least 190 by the time his son (Forest IV) gets married in October. I'm sure he will succeed - after all: he has a very supportive wife :)

In other exciting news, I started my period!!! All by myself!!!! Just 37 days after the miscarriage. I called the RE and got on the schedule for an FET in June (WOAH!). I will start BCPs when I start my next period (which will *hopefully* be in just 3 weeks, if my ovaries decide to play nicely). That's some progress, huh?

We will do a single embryo transfer because I don't want to chance multiples on my ridiculously incompetent cervix. I have been doing a lot of research about IC and I was surprised to read that one factor that may indicate risk of IC is having a short labor. I used to think that the fact that I was in labor with Katie for 3 hours and 47 minutes total (from contraction #1 to "It's a Girl!", and that included my contractions stopping altogether for an hour after they gave me the epidural I didn't want and they had to start pitocin to get them going again) meant that my body was super AWESOME at having babies. I also thought that the fact that I got pregnant with Katie the only time I ever had unprotected sex meant I was all SUPER FERTILE and stuff, so - you know - I don't always draw accurate conclusions. Because, in actuality, a <4 hour labor for a first time mom is pretty abnormal, and, actually, a risk for something horrible. Who knew?

I have certainly learned a lot on this infertility journey. I think I am better about being grateful for what I have and not taking things for granted. I *hope* that I have stopped saying insensitive things around people with no thought for what kind of painful journeys they might be on. For example, I know that I once bragged about being a "Fertile Myrtle" (GEEZ - I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying now!) in front of a co-worker who was going through her 3rd round of IVF in private. I try very hard to be sensitive about things like that now. Not just infertility, but anything. You never know what struggles someone else is dealing with and how the uncaring things you say might sting their hearts.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Thank you all so much for your kind comments, thoughts, and prayers. I feel truly blessed to have you guys in my life (and, yes, I know that I could be a better friend by being a better blogger, and I WILL TRY).

Love,
Amy

Baby Steps

2010-02-22T21:13:00.000-06:00

Thank you for your comments assuring me that I am not creepy. I know I should just do what makes me feel better, but when I type it out and send it into the internet, I worry that it comes off a bit wonky. Oh well. Wonky is to be expected, I suppose.

It's only been 8 days since we lost Jack. I'm still pretty weepy, but I am definitely compartmentalizing. I am generally very good at compartmentalizing, so it's not surprising that I'm doing it now. At work, I can generally be my funny self. I am blessed to have a few co-workers who think I am hi.lar.i.ous. Around them, it's hard not to crack jokes and be silly. At home it's harder. Driving in the car by myself, left to my own thoughts, the tears flow pretty freely.

The service on Saturday was very nice but very heart-wrenching. It was nice to have the people who would have loved being with Jack there to say goodbye to him and to give us hugs. I have never found hugs (real and cyber) to be so comforting before. This last week I have been seeking out hugs. My first day back at work - when everyone was ignoring me - I went into my former boss' office to demand a hug. He is very huggy. He told me to come back any time, so I told him I'd be back in 15 minutes :)

I had a follow-up appointment with my OB/GYN today. She talked a lot about making sure that I don't cross the line from sad & mourning to full-blown depression. She told Forest things to watch out for and told me I should watch out for him as well, because everyone thinks of how hard this is for the mom, but he lost his baby too :(. She said that, should we get pregnant again, she would have me see a perinatologist/maternal-fetal-medicine specialist to be followed for my pathetic incompetent cervix, plus management of the MTHFR mutation (i.e., to Lovenox or not to Lovenox - a topic on which my OB disagrees with my RE). She wants to see me in another 8 weeks to make sure I'm not depressed and just to touch base before I go back to the RE.

Speaking of the RE, I e-mailed the office to let them know what happened and to see how long they would recommend waiting before trying an FET. They said to call them when I start my period next and I can get into one of the upcoming "cycles".

I also went back to Weight Watchers tonight. AND - Forest joined too. He is a very supportive, wonderful husband (without whom I don't think I could possibly make it through any of this) and I am very happy that he has agreed to do this with me. I am working to lose 15-20 pounds in the next few months before the FET cycle.

So, compartmentalizing...a wee bit of peace from giving Jack's little self a resting place...collecting hugs...formulating a tentative plan...losing a bit of weight...those are my baby steps. Wish me luck!

Tiny Things

2010-02-19T18:44:00.000-06:00

Thank you all so much for your comments, love, prayers, hope, sympathy, empathy, and cyber-hugs. I know those are what have kept me going for the last 5 days.

We went back to work yesterday. It was hard and I felt judged. People kept saying to Forest, "I can't believe you guys are here already", making me feel like I am not grieving appropriately and according to their timetables. Everyone pretty much ignored me - no one really said ANYTHING to me, so I mostly sat in my cube alone with fat alligator tears rolling down my cheeks while I made my best effort at working. And it was Forest's birthday. My poor man. It wasn't a very Happy Birthday at all.

I am still a mess, obviously, but I'm not ready to be anything else. My heart cries in agony one minute, and the next I am incredulous that this even happened. It seems surreal at times.

We are having a service for our sweet boy tomorrow morning. I admit I have been a bit consumed by obsessed with fixated on Jack memorials, large and small. Here is a bracelet I got on Wednesday so that I could always wear something that reminds me of Jack:

The pink crystals (sorta like June's birthstone) and "k" charm are for Katie and the "j" charm and purple crystals (for February's birthstone) are for Jack. How silly is it that this little "j" makes my heart feel slightly better? Probably a lot silly. But I would have wanted something like this after he was born no matter what, so, you know, it's working for me.

These are the things going into the little casket with Jack:

There's a picture of Forest and I from Las Vegas two weeks ago, the tiny sweet outfit they put him in at the hospital, with the tiny hat, and tiny booties, the M&M's we got to announce the pregnancy (they say "Coming Soon", "July 31, 2010", and "Baby Crawford" and some have a picture of Forest and I - they're pretty cute), a little crystal (Forest is a crystal-kind-of-guy), and a little lamb blanket. I have creepily been carrying the lamb blanket around with me and snuggling with it at night for the last two days so that it will smell like my perfume. I am creepy. I know. I don't care.

I asked Forest if he thought the tiny (12 inch long) casket is actually a sample the casket manufacturers make to show off the details of full-size caskets. Like those little tents they have in the sporting goods aisle at Target. At least he thought I was funny. In a weird, morbid sort of way.

I also got a second, identical lamb blanket to keep. At the embroidery store the girl behind the counter was young and cute and innocent and when I told her I wanted them to both say the same thing she said, "That's such a great idea! Because the babies get so attached to them and..." this is where I cut her off by bursting into tears and blurting out, "We lost our baby. And (sob) one is for the (sob) casket (sob) and one is (sob, sob sob...)." They waived the "rush" fee and apologized profusely and (I think) tried to make us go away as quickly as possible. They were done the following day and I think they are very sweet.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Also much Googling "Incompetent Cervix", "Cerclage Success Rates", "FET Success Rates", etc... And crying. And hugging my awesome, supportive husband and my heart-broken daughter.

I have a follow-up appointment on Monday and I have a page full of questions to ask. I will try to not be such a stranger (but we all know how that usually goes...)

Love to you all,
Amy

Plans

2010-02-15T16:35:00.001-06:00

Well, firstly I did not mean to wait 2 months before posting again.

I planned to tell you about the spotting I had 2 days after my first "normal pregnant lady appointment" and how scary it was. I planned to tell you that I called my doctor and she wasn't concerned - saying it was completely normal and it was probably because the cervix was irritated during the transvag ultrasound.

I planned to tell you about additional spotting on New Year's Eve and how I told Forest we couldn't have sex until my next appointment (in January). At that appointment, the doctor was again unconcerned, talking about how there is a lot of bloodflow to the cervix and, again, how very normal spotting is during early pregnancy.

I planned to tell you about the ultrasound we had that day where the baby was SUPER active and Forest started calling him "Squirmy", which was better than "Lumpy" - the name Forest gave him at our very first ultrasound where he looked like a little grain of rice.

I planned to apologize for not posting or commenting on blogs and plead that I was just sleepy in the evenings after work but that I was very much enjoying reading everyone's updates and was wishing everyone well. I just didn't feel like I had anything original to say. I was very worried about the pregnancy - in a way I never was when I was pregnant with my daughter. I tried to tell myself that it was just because I was so young when I was expecting her - I didn't know all about all of the things that could go wrong. But I couldn't shake the apprehension, no matter how much I told myself it is normal to worry, given everything we've been through.

I planned to tell you that I found out that my sweet friend Amanda is also expecting, due just FIVE DAYS after me and how we went to dinner and planned to meet at least each month and take pictures of our growing bellies.

I planned to tell you about my appointment last Wednesday, where we heard the heartbeat with the Doppler (no ultrasound at this one) and it was in the 140s. I planned to tell you about my continued feeling that the baby was a boy, which was planned to be confirmed at my next appointment on March 10th, where we would get the "big" ultrasound.

I planned to link to Murgdan's post about not wanting an epidural at delivery. I planned to agree with her 100% and throw in my story about how I had a bad experience with the epidural when I had Katie. I planned to go to childbirth classes and prepare for an unmedicated delivery.

I planned to bring my sweet baby home in July. I planned to kiss him and marvel over him and how tiny and perfect he was and to see if he had daddy's ears or if he had my toes. I planned to care for him, nurse him, wrap him in soft blankets, comfort him when he cried, to teach him and take home videos of his first time trying green beans, and crawling, and his first steps, and his first birthday and all the birthdays after that. I planned to ask him if he wanted to play soccer or take karate, or both, or something else.

But, none of that happened. On Saturday we went to Springfield, MO (about 3 hours away) to Katie's pom competition. At about 3 pm we were walking to the car after lunch and I hopped down from a tiny little wall (about 18 inches off the ground). I felt a weird sensation like something was in my vagina. When we got back to the competition I went to the bathroom and there was no blood or fluid and I couldn't feel anything in my vagina, but I didn't reach very far (too scared of what I'd find). I didn't feel anything further and there was no cramping or anything. Crazily, I thought maybe I was imagining things or that it was nothing serious.

At about 4:30 p.m., the competition was over and we started on our way out of Springfield. We stopped at Quiktrip to get drinks & snacks. I felt something again and went to the bathroom. I could feel a fluid sac at the opening of my vagina. We went to the hospital.

In the triage room of the ER, my water broke. I eventually went to L&D. The baby was still alive, but with my water broken at 16 weeks, there was nothing that could be done. I got an epidural (it was much better than last time). They started pitocin and I delivered my sweet baby boy at around 5:00 am. He was precious and perfect and tiny.

We are filled with love for him. He appeared to have my toes and my nose (of course that's ridiculous - as it was really too soon to tell), but his ears were too tiny to tell if they had Forest's attached earlobes or my unattached ones. They put him in a tiny outfit and took pictures of him. His name was Jack Cullen Crawford and we will love him forever.

I don't know when or why my cervix became incompetent. I wasn't in labor, so the doctor said it probably wasn't an infection.

Needless to say, we are devastated. My heart is in a million pieces and I barely know how I'll go back to work. I can hardly imagine the future without our baby.

His remains are at the funeral home and we're going to have a service and bury him with Forest's parents.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Treasure

2009-12-15T19:34:00.001-06:00

I had my first normal-pregnant-lady OB appointment today! Here are some bullet point highlights:

I got the H1N1 vaccine - meh: why not?
I get to have the 24-hour urine experience (Yahoo!) because I had preecclampsia when I delivered Katie so she wants to monitor me closely in the 3rd trimester. She wants to see what my "baseline" 24-hour urine specimen shows to evaluate any changes later.
I got an order for the normal pregnancy lab draw - blood typing, Rh factor, HIV test, baseline platelets & stuff.
Because I am a chubby-momma, I should only gain 15-20 pounds over the pregnancy. I'm supposed to make "good food choices". I shall do my best.
She did an ultrasound "for fun" even though I had one at the RE on Friday. The baby looks all awesome & stuff, so that was fun to see. She showed me both hemispheres of his brain with the CSF in between - that was pretty kick ass!
I get to stop the Lovenox!!!! She said that she's just not into it, she never would have put me on it for an MTHFR mutation - it hasn't been demonstrated to have a benefit and it could cause problems later if preecclampsia becomes an issue. So, I am DONE with the burning, painful, bruise-causing torture shots!
She is in concurrence with the RE's recommendation to discontinue the progesterone on Saturday, at 8 weeks. So I only have 2 more PIO shots - one tonight and one on Friday! And only 9 more icky vaginal suppositories. I hate them. They have caused quite a bit of external irritation (sorry for the TMI) and I hate them (did I already say that? well - I DO!).
I got a bag of treasures! Like magazines and pamphlets and what-not. Actually I don't know what all is in it because I haven't started digging into it yet (that's next on my agenda for the evening).

So that is my update. Next appointment in 4 weeks on January 13th. I am very happy. :)

Cooler than I thought

2009-12-11T17:22:00.001-06:00

The ultrasound today was AWESOME! We could see our *giant* baby in its gestational sac as soon as the wand went in. Forest saw the heartbeat immediately. It was sooooooo cool. His heartbeat is 119 bpm. That's right - I've decided it's a boy. I'm sure I have a 50% chance of being correct :)

Tomorrow

2009-12-10T07:38:00.001-06:00

Think Little Orphan Annie...

The wand'll come out...Tomorrow
Check here for an update sometime tomorrow...
There'll be one.

The purpose of the scan...Tomorrow
Is to see the heartbeat of our daughter
Or our son.

Though the ultrasound screen may
be gray
and grainy
When he sticks the wand in
My head will spin
And we'll pray....

Tomorrow, tomorrow;
A heartbeat!...Tomorrow.
You're only a day away.

Okay, so that seemed significantly more clever in my head :)

Questions from a Sleepy Regulatory Affairs Associate

2009-12-03T10:16:00.002-06:00

Does being tired count as "sick" for purposes of saying, "Boss, I'm sick. I need to go home so I can lie down."?

Do you think I'm tired because I am Oh-So-Very-Knocked-Up?

Can you make peanut butter spicy?

5w4d - Ultrasound Day

2009-12-02T12:13:00.001-06:00

Well, we have one gestational sac containing one fetal pole just like we're supposed to! Yay :) Forest said the baby looks like a lump and is now calling him "Lumpy". Nice, Forest. Nice.

I get another ultrasound next Thursday at 6w5d and we will *hopefully* see the heartbeat. Then I'm released to my OB (where I surruptitiously already made an appointment for 12/15 - 7w3d, tee hee).

Still zero symptoms. I feel great - no complaints. The only silly thing I'm chalking up to pregnancy is that I am wanting spicy food All.The.Time. Like every day I'm thinking Thai, Chinese, or Indian. I put Frank's Hot Sauce on my pizza and sandwiches. Forest gave me a bottle of cayenne pepper to spice up my bland Healthy Choice lunches. That's werid, huh?

And we broke our sex hiatus last week, so everyone is happy (screw those overzealously conservative restrictions...no pun intended).

EWLE Pics

2009-11-29T14:44:00.000-06:00

Sarah proposed an acronym for my wordy (and pretty much only) family tradition: Elf Watching and Lasagna Eating (EWLE) and we all love it - thank you, Sarah! :)

It all started when Elf came out in 2003. Forest and I took Katie (then 9), my niece Lauren (then 16), and my nephew Sean (then 14) to see it. We all LOVED it. We are big movie quoters and this movie is quite quote-tastic.

The next year Elf came out on DVD so we had Lauren and Sean over to watch it and eat lasagna. We decided to do it the next year and the next...My sister and her husband (Lauren and Sean's parents) came a couple of years ago and I think Forest's kids came another year. Last year Lauren brought a date and Katie invited a friend.

This year, the 6th annual EWLE, my brother's family from Chicago was in town, my other brother wanted to come, my sister and her husband came, Lauren invited 2 friends and Katie invited a friend. So, we had 15 people! We have a teeny, tiny house, but a cozy good time was had by all.

A candid kitchen photo

Thirsty Katie

Thirsty Lauren

My brother, Michael

Birthday Boy Sean

All the Cousins
(disclaimer: the next two pics were taken at my sister's house, not mine)

All the Cousins, Part Deux

Anyway, as I said, this is pretty much my only familly tradition and I highly recommend that each of your families start it up. After all, everyone loves Elf and everyone loves lasagna.

Just ask Katie:

A (really) personal question

2009-11-25T08:50:00.002-06:00

A question for my fellow IVF-ers out there, if you don't mind my asking (if you do mind, of course, you can just refuse to answer): what was your RE's recommendation for having sex after embryo transfer? My clinic recommends waiting until after the first ultrasound (when I'll be 5w4d), but there are certain people around here who are getting restless (I won't name names). Has anyone else's MD been so conservative on the sex front?

Your answers will be greatly appreciated :)

In other news...I have none. Everything is A-OK over here so far. We're busy cleaning the house (um...how is that, Amy, since you're posting a blog entry?) for my nieces and nephews to come over tonight for our Annual Elf Watching and Lasagna Eating (catchy name, huh). We got an early Christmas present to make this tradition more awesome this year: a 40" LCD HDTV (40" is MORE than enough for our wee living room) with a Blu-Ray player and surround sound (woo hoo!).

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!

Betas

2009-11-21T19:03:00.003-06:00

Sooooo...

My beta on Wedesday at 6dp5dt (11 dpo) was 18 and on Friday at 8dp5dt (13 dpo) it was 40. So that is very good!!!! Unfortunately the cute beta graph that everyone else has doesn't start until 12 dpo, so I can't really get my line to appear on it, but, from what I understand, those numbers are nearly perfect for a singleton pregnancy.

So, of course, we're very excited.

When I got the BFP (gosh, I still can't believe a get to type "I" and "BFP" in the same sentence!) on Tuesday I was soooooooo excited - I told a ton of people. I told my co-workers Eliza, Julie, Shawn, Brian (who told additional co-worker Jonathan), Jan (who didn't know it was a "secret" and started talking about it somewhat loudly in my very quiet open office), and Ed. I told Katie, my friend Kim, my sister, the blogosphere, and my old friends from my very first "TTC" board (we were the "TTC Spring/Summer 2007" crew. This BFP has been a LONG TIME COMING).

So that's a lot of people to tell that you're five minutes pregnant. Not necessarily wise, right? But I was FREAKING EXCITED, okay? Plus I was 0% worried. ZERO PERCENT. I just felt like I am totally pregnant now and on July 31, 2010 I am totally bringing home a perfect, healthy baby. I put a floating baby widget on my freaking blog.

Forest has since told his boss, all the co-workers in his immediate group (who are also pretty much my co-workers since we work at the same company), a bunch of other co-workers (including one woman to whom he announced it when we ran into her at a restaurant), and some friends he went out with last night.

On Thursday I started to get nervous. I called for that first beta result and when it was an 18 I got scared. That sounds soooooo low. Most betas I hear are much higher than that. Of course, I know most clinics don't test at freaking 11 dpo, but still. 18? I started getting upset when Forest would tell people.

Then I got the 2nd beta: 40 and that should totally reassure me, right? It's the perfect number for 13 dpo...but the doubling time was 41.67 hours, whereas the mean for that range is, like, 31...so...you see where this is going...

DOUBT.

I am now just like every other infertile who finally achieves pregnancy: I am worried. When I was pregnant with Katie I never ONCE worried I would miscarry. I didn't take multiple HPTs - I got one positive and never doubted again that I was pregnant. I try to reassure myself with that. I try to reassure myself with all kinds of things, but it's not working too well.

Then, last night, I was walking back from going out for drinks (my drink was iced tea, don't worry) with two co-workers (to whom I also announced my pregnancy) after an all-day off-site meeting, when my heel caught on a cobblestone and I twisted my ankle and fell on my butt (hurting my pride most of all, although my ankle is all swollen and bruised). Forest's reaction? "You can't be falling down!!!" Mmmmm Hmmmm. Thanks, babe. I didn't exactly do it on purpose! But, of course, I was already worried that my fall had popped our precious baby right out of my uterine lining. Yes, I know that's silly - I have pretty short legs - a fall to the ground really isn't very far - but still. Worry.

Forest has promised not to tell any more co-workers who work at my office (I told him he could still tell people who work at his location). I haven't decided whether I'll tell the rest of my family at Thanksgiving or Christmas.

My first ultrasound is December 2nd. That's not too far away, right? Surely I'll feel reassured after that, huh? Deep breaths (and no more heels/cobblestones) till then.

6dp5dt - No Symptoms; Beta Drawn

2009-11-18T13:39:00.002-06:00

I guess I don't really need to fill in this whole post-y part since I gave my whole update in the title there. I continue to experience no symptoms and I continue to "know" that it is too early for symptoms, but I want them anyway. There really isn't anything other than nausea that I wouldn't attribute to the progesterone, so I should just pipe down about it, but it's weird to finally be pregnant and feel, literally, no differently.

Thank you all so much for your well-wishes yesterday. You helped make BFP Day the best ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first beta was drawn today, but the RE's office doesn't call with first beta results. They wait for the results of the second beta to ensure that the numbers are doubling as expected.

My stomach looks ridiculous due to the Lovenox injections. I have 3 very large bruises and a ton of little tiny ones for each injection site. I assure you it's quite lovely looking, really.

Luckily I only have to do the PIO shots every 3rd night. It's some new-fangled, fancy formulation that's long acting. I then supplement twice daily with the lovely vaginal progesterone suppositories. Ewww.

So, that's all I've got. Zero symptoms...twiddling my thumbs until Friday's 2nd beta result.

Oh, and still over the moon and delighted and thankful and thrilled and overwhelmed with joy :)

I'M PREGNANT

2009-11-17T12:55:00.003-06:00

BFP. I'm shaking.

(It's the one line = "sucks to be you"; two lines = "yay!" kind)

I used to have all sorts of awesome ideas about cute ways to tell everyone but those all just flew out the window.

I called Forest. He was against my going to Walgreens to get a test. I promised him I wouldn't...but then I did anyway. I called him (while he was out to lunch with his boss) and I said, "You are going to be really mad at me." and he said, "Oh please. I knew what you were going to do." and I said, "But it's really good news!"

I realize that announcement was not cute, clever, romantic, or anything, but I was too excited.

5dp5dt

2009-11-17T10:01:00.002-06:00

I'm cracking. I'm giving in. I'm going out at lunch to get a basket of pregnancy tests. And by "lunch" I mean 11:00 - the earliest possible "lunchtime". Am I crazy? Am I setting myself up for disappointment? It's not FMU. It's still awfully early...

...or is 10 dpo early?

I dunno.

I'm so weak.

Help me.

You have 59 minutes to talk sense into me...or I'm driving to Walgeens.

4dp5dt

2009-11-16T13:20:00.002-06:00

I remember when abbreviations like "4dp5dt" were unintelligible to me. In case there is an innocent reading my blog, that means "four days past 5-day transfer", or...am I pregnant? When should I pee on a stick? (becuase we ALL know I'm not waiting for a stinking beta no matter how ridiculously early it's scheduled). This is basically equivalent to 9dpo in a "normal" cycle.

I wish I felt pregnant. I wish I would throw up on my keyboard right now because someone walked by my cubicle with a lunch that would normally not bother me but, in my knocked up state, caused me to projectile vomit. Yes, my brain is fully aware that such symptoms do not generally occur at this early, early stage, but what I wouldn't give!

I had a little "feeling" last night that I am pregnant, with one boy. How weird is that? If you don't know me, it may not sound weird at all, but I've really never been able to picture myself having a boy. When Katie was born I was soooooooooooooooooooo relieved she was a girl. Back in that day (1994) my doctor didn't do routine ultrasounds. He was very old school. He felt that women had been having babies without the information provided in an ultrasound for millenia and that, barring any indication of a problem with the pregnancy, ultrasounds just represented another needless imaging procedure contributing to skyrocketting healthcare costs. How NOT FUN is that? But, alas, he was the one calling the shots and I was the one with the non-problematic pregnancy, so I couldn't really complain. But it would've been *nice* to know that I would soon have a precious baby girl instead of a...boy (I'll leave out any negative description about how I would have felt about having a boy). But, now, I think I'm trying to get my mind around the (very real) possibility that I could be incubating a blastocyst whose genome contains a Y-chromosome.

Katie is being all super adorable about the prospect of a baby brother or sister. Which is good - her reaction could easily go either way. Her dad has 2 kids from his current marraige - girls aged 3 and 4. Her emotions about them range pretty broadly (from UGH - they are SO ANNOYING/BABIES SUCK to AWWWW - I LOVE THESE TWO) but I feared we'd be dealing with a whole new thing if someone else dared to move into HER mommy's uterus. But, so far, she's being very positive and sweet. I think she's more comfortable that we did IVF so she can imagine the conception as a decidedly non-intimate phenomenon. So, you know, you're welcome, Katie :).

Anyway, that's my update - not much of an update. Just wishin' I was pregnant...but that's sort of the theme of the blog...so you didn't really need me to tell you that today...but...anyway...nevermind.

Signing off now!

B1 and B2

2009-11-12T16:17:00.003-06:00

Two beautiful blasts were transferred this afternoon and there are FIVE to freeze!!!! I am thrilled with this outcome. They said that one of the blasts is Grade 1 and the other is Grade 2 and they referred to them as B1 and B2. Is anyone else familiar with Bananas in Pajamas? That was all I could think about. Every time they would say "this one's B1" or "that one's B2" I would crack up. I guess whatever puts one in a good mood for the transfer is a good thing, huh?

The transfer itself was totally great. I was worried my bladder wouldn't be full enough, since I didn't really have to pee at all, but he didn't mention any issue, so *thankfully* I didn't have to lay there for 45 minutes afterwards with an uncomfortably full bladder. Plus, Dr. Ahlering ROCKS the speculum! It did.not.hurt.at.all. I couldn't believe it - not even the usual pinch when he cranked open my cervix. I think he is heaven sent.

I present...The Babies Crawford:

That's B1 on the bottom and B2 on top. Doesn't B1 kind of look like a smiley face?

Here is some Bananas in Pajamas fun, in case you haven't had the pleasure:

My sister said she would make them PJ's and visors when they're born (not that I'm counting my bananas before they hatch - but I am pregnant with twins until proven otherwise).

Betas are next Wednesday and Friday (super soon!!!)

Transfer Day

2009-11-12T09:36:00.002-06:00

Well - this is it! We are transferring *something* at 2:00 pm. They called to schedule it a few minutes ago, but the scheduler had NO information other than that the lab called and told her to schedule the transfer.

I will find out when I get there (with a "comfortably full bladder") what the status of each of the 13 little ones is. But presumably at least one hung in there!

I'll post afterwards.

Thank you for all of your comments and well-wishes, you are too kind!!!!!!

Day 3 Report

2009-11-10T09:53:00.001-06:00

All thirteen embryos are still alive. They are each Grade 1 or 2. One is a little behind at 4-cells and one is a little ahead at 10-cells, but the remaining eleven are all perfect (6 to 8 cells). I am so relieved! We will transfer the best two on Thursday, provided they all keep up the good work.

Hope

2009-11-08T08:43:00.003-06:00

I just got the call.
Egg retrieval was yesterday.
23 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature. 13 fertilized.

I am relieved.
They will check them again on Tuesday.
I can breathe now.

I Love Lupron

2009-10-20T17:38:00.001-05:00

Ever since I started the Lupron (2 weeks ago) I have felt TONS better. Is that all in my head? Perhaps. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but it seemed to take the edge off of the hormonal malestrom I was suffering on account of La Cyst. This is, of course, a good thing.

Thursday is the cyst aspiration so I'm taking a day of vacation. Who doesn't like to spend her vacation days on minor surgeries? This girl does! Follistim starts on Sunday, I think, so we will be well on our way soon.

On the work front, I am still in limbo. The "leadership" in my department is making my blood pressure rise on a regular basis these days. I'm still not sure I want to jump ship for the World O' Project Management, though. I fear the proverbial "out of the frying pan, into the fire" scenario. We shall see...

On the Halloween front, no progress yet with a costume. I know that whatever I choose will not bare my gargantuan midrift, but it should be sassy and cleava-licious, nonetheless.

Well, that's my update. Hugs and love to you, blog friends! :)

One day till Lupron

2009-10-13T18:58:00.001-05:00

Thank you all for your sweet comments about how my blog doesn't altogether suck. I won't say I'm 100% convinced, but I certainly appreciate you guys!!!!

Tomorrow the big cycle starts: Lupron for supression and Dexamethasone for...coolness? I'm not really sure what it's for but I don't really care either. This clinic is so blase about everything - no intensely boring all-day session about how protocols work and how to do injections, no explanation of anything, really. More just: "Here take this and this on these days and trust us, mmmkay?"

Mmmmkay.

Work is going OK. Very busy. I didn't end up taking that job I blogged about awhile back. Since then, the Director has tried to get me to apply for another position in his department (lateral move for me) and just this afternoon he told me about yet another open position that was just approved that would be a promotion. I'm going to have to seriously consider that one... I love Regulatory Affairs, but I don't love my current group, responsibilities, or leadership. I know those aren't particularly good reasons to leave a good job, so I'm torn.

School is not going so spectacularly. I think I bit off more than I am comfortable chewing this semester. I'm actually being a gigantic slacker. I'm hoping to pull off B's. A's are looking to be out of the question (sigh). Work is just kicking my butt, leaving me little time to focus on my academic pursuits.

In other news, this is what Forest wants me to wear for Halloween:

Riiiiiight. I am trying to convince him that NOBODY wants to see me in that except for him and that big ole ovarian cysts spewing massive amounts of estrogen into one's body make one feel bloaty and crampy and zitty and weepy and NOT interested in wearing that. Ever.

And that's about it for me. How do you like two posts within a week? Almost like I'm an actual blogger, huh? Don't get used to it. You know what a slacker I am.

I should blog

2009-10-09T23:09:00.001-05:00

I'm so uninspired!

I know my blog is silly and boring and goofy. I promise that I'm actually a good writer in real life. I even sort of do it for a living, actually. But my fellow bloggers are so witty, eloquent, consistent, edgy, sweet, and funny, I can't possibly compete!

Oh well.

But I do have updates!

I have a 5 cm cyst on my right ovary. Apparently ovaries themselves are only about 5 cm in diameter, so I have a cyst on my ovary the size of my...ovary. That's no fun. I'm having it aspirated through an obligatory giant needle through the wall of my vagina (who doesn't love that?) on October 22nd, which is also...
The day my baseline ultrasound is scheduled before starting the stims for IVF #2. Lucky for me, the doc will be viewing my lining directly through a hysteroscope, so I can forego the actual wanding that day.
My last post that confusingly indicated that I would have egg retrieval on November 2nd was slightly off...you may have also wondered how on Earth they could schedule an egg retrieval in advance (I know I did). It turns out that the scheduling girl was just exaggerating. Apparently they have "cycles" at this clinic where they separate patients into groups to all "cycle" at the same time. Basically, the egg retrieval will be sometime after November 2nd.
I ordered all of my meds today which are apparently coming from a super fancy fertility pharmacy on the East Coast. Last time I got them at Walgreens, but this clinic seems to think the med procurement process should be super fancy...so...whatever.

So that's all I've got. Not particularly eloquent, witty, sweet, edgy, or any of the other stuff all the good blogs are, but at least I finally threw something out into the blogosphere.

Yay!

Back in the game

2009-09-16T13:44:00.001-05:00

Things have progressed. A lot.

I had a financial consult with the shiny new RE about 1/2 hour ago. We are go for launch. I am on the schedule for EGG RETREIVAL on November 2nd. How's that for efficiency? I went ahead and scheduled a whole week of vacation. 3 Day Transfer? 5 Day Transfer? Pshhht - who cares? I'm on vacation.

The gameplan until then:

Once I start my cycle...which should be, literally, any minute, I call the office and schedule the CD3 testing and start birth control pills.
Forest is going to have a super fancy semen screen on September 25th (scheduled for payday since it's $500 cash or check).
Stimulation will start mid-October

That's it - it's just that simple. Weird, huh?

In other news I have a new job offer to consider. The offer expires at the end of the day. I found out about it at 8:30 this morning. It's in the Project Management department (which is cool) but it's pretty administrative (which isn't cool). It would have a fancy title and be all glorified & stuff, but I pretty much feel like it would be a step backward. I don't know what to do. The new director wants me to say "YES!!!!" really badly. The VP thinks that staying in Regulatory Affairs would be the better career decision for me. He said, "[Director] is looking out for his best interests. I'm looking out for mine. You need to look out for yours." When I basically said that I am not sure what it would take to lure me into their department he said, "I appreciate your candor. I think you made the right choice." I was like, "Uhhh...you're welcome?" I am not sure what to do. There are many factors to consider and only about another hour in which to consider them.

Decisions, decisions...

Updates

2009-09-02T22:31:00.002-05:00

So...what's been going on in AmyLand? I shall summarize:

I had a birthday! Yay! I'm 33.

So I'm Jesus' age now :-) My brother's response to this hilarious assertion was, "But you're so much less accomplished than him." Tru dat. But here's a picture of me at my birthday party:

Jesus couldn't have been any cuter, right?

Jesus could, however, have commissioned a less Wrecktastic Birthday Cake. There are SOOOOOOO many things wrong with this cake (which was supposed to be a spectacular geeky confection)...so many ways in which this was NOT what we ordered...that I am devoid of comment at the moment:

I also started classes last week, in my ongoing (never-ending?) pursuit of my bachelor's degree (bah - who needs it?). I am taking Cell Biology, Calculus, and Practical Criticism (writing about literature). It's going well. Should be adding 9 hours of "A"s to my transcript in 14 weeks or so...

In Uterus Occupation News, today I had a phone consultation with the new RE and I was very pleased. In telling him about the 25 immature follicles retrieved during IVF #1 I said, "So, I don't know if we triggered too early, maybe?" and he said, "I would say that's exactly what happened." So, you know, INSTANT LOVE. We are going to commence the customary testing as soon as my next cycle starts!

Needless to say, I'm all hopeful and excited and stuff.

Back on the Horse (no, not THAT horse!)

2009-08-17T17:16:00.001-05:00

So, you'll never guess what I did today... ...I made an appointment with a new RE! I am decidedly never going back to the IVF Hut (except maybe if I do find success, it would be kind of nice to go there with my giant pregnant self and tell Valerie Ratts, the evil beeeeotch who suggested my eggs are incapable of maturing, to kiss my ass), so I decided to give George's brother at SIRM a shot. I have a phone consultation with cute Ahlering Brother #2 on September 2nd. Yay! When I was filling out the Patient Questionnaire, it was actually very useful to have this blog and look back to find such things as my peak estradiol level during IVF #1.

The horse that I haven't quite found my way to get back on is the Losing Some Damned Weight Horse. I haven't posted since my 1 pound weight loss in June beacuse, well, I quit doing Weight Watchers because I am a giant loser. But, Forest said he would do it with me, so we are going to start going this week.

So that's my update. I'm sorry I'm such a crappy blogger/commenter. I do read each and every blog on my blogroll religiously (and sometimes I even manage to squeeze out a measly comment). I love you all very much and have missed you!

Another one bites the dust

2009-06-09T22:03:00.001-05:00

One more pound down...

...I am glad that I lost something, but admit that I am a bit disappointed not to have lost just ONE ADDITIONAL pound so that I could be at my 5% goal and get my pedicure! (And yes, Misty, this will be my first EVER pedicure! I have heretofore been a do-it-yourself toe painter).

Oh well. 212.2 is the number of the day. I will reach my goal next week, I will! I will! And then I will announce my 10% goal reward (warning: it will be TMI).

Cheers, everyone!