I had to post to link to my co-worker and friend Jessica's blog.
She posted pics from the work shower they threw for me yesterday which was so, so nice! They gave us 2 high chairs and a baby swing! Two of my co-workers made the babies beautiful blankets and my co-worker Pam made pretty much the most awesome baby shower cake ever! A lady who works with Forest customized some pretty funny hats. We think we're going to take pictures of the babies in them and submit them to the Company's website.
Click over to see :)
Thank you Jessica - you're the best!!!
Also, I had my last growth-monitoring scan on Tuesday (at 33w6d). Egan was estimated at 4lb 4oz (24th percentile) and Zoe was estimated at 4lb 1oz (18th percentile). I think they're going to be little peanuts. We had our first non-stress test (NST) at that appointment as well. Both babies showed normal accelerations/decelerations within about 30 minutes, so it was a great success.
Well, I guess I better go do some nesting - only 3 weeks and 4 days are left!
Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
33w3d: Didn't mean to make you worry!
I'm sorry I waited so long again between posts. I really should know better than that!!!! I have no excuse - just tired and mostly checking blogs from my phone, from which it is hard to write a post, but I digress. I'll see if I can re-cap what's been going on lately.
Christmas was unexpectedly hard this year - I missed Jack so much. I was caught off guard by it because I thought I had found some peace several months ago, feeling like the time we had with Jack was just as it was meant to be. That this precious boy we had dreamed of for so long was only meant to be in our lives for a short time. I won't say that I know for what cosmic reason we were chosen to know so much love mixed with so much grief and pain, but it felt more comforting to think of him as a little Angel who was sent here for a short mission than to think of the hopes and dreams we had for someone who would never get to take a breath, much less grow into a young man. But at Christmas, I just missed him. I remember last Christmas, where we announced that we were expecting, and I was profoundly sad that that would be Jack's only Christmas.
On the other hand, things are going pretty well with this pregnancy. We had a 3D ultrasound done (4 weeks ago). We got a much clearer shot of Egan than we did of Zoe - I don't think she's really that bumpy, it was just stuff in the way. Here are our babies:
Christmas was unexpectedly hard this year - I missed Jack so much. I was caught off guard by it because I thought I had found some peace several months ago, feeling like the time we had with Jack was just as it was meant to be. That this precious boy we had dreamed of for so long was only meant to be in our lives for a short time. I won't say that I know for what cosmic reason we were chosen to know so much love mixed with so much grief and pain, but it felt more comforting to think of him as a little Angel who was sent here for a short mission than to think of the hopes and dreams we had for someone who would never get to take a breath, much less grow into a young man. But at Christmas, I just missed him. I remember last Christmas, where we announced that we were expecting, and I was profoundly sad that that would be Jack's only Christmas.
On the other hand, things are going pretty well with this pregnancy. We had a 3D ultrasound done (4 weeks ago). We got a much clearer shot of Egan than we did of Zoe - I don't think she's really that bumpy, it was just stuff in the way. Here are our babies:
Zoe
Egan
Isn't it wild how different they look from each other? Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to meeting them :)
Speaking of meeting them, they are both currently stubbornly breech, so we have scheduled a C-section for Monday, February 14th. It's the anniversary of the day we got to meet Jack for that short, but precious time last year - which is bittersweet (but we're hoping it's more sweet). It is also LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY!!!
We had a family & friends shower last Sunday and got lots of good stuff. My mom gave us a card for SIX MONTHS of diapers! That is pretty freaking awesome!
We are not going to have the roof fixed in the den until the weather gets a little warmer, so our plan is to paint the babies' room (which is still currently our room) and set up one crib that they will share until we get the den ready for us to move into. I will definitely post pics when we get it all cute.
And now to the belly pictures:
27w3d
29w3d
33w3d
I guess that's it for today - I still have more things I want to take pictures of for you guys (e.g, their coming home outfits and my "e" and "z" charms for my charm bracelet), I will really, really try to not be such a stranger for these next 4 weeks!!!
Hugs and love!
Amy
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
25w6d: We're Still Here
Well hello there, blogosphere. I missed you! I have no excuse for my lack of posting and commenting other than utter exhaustion. Who knew growing 2 babies at once was such hard work?
When last I updated I had just gone to the MFM for a check-up and everything looked good and they told me to come back in 4 weeks. Well, 4 weeks was up today so I was back in there. The babes are still doing very well - they're both head UP now (little stinkers) but they have been doing A LOT of repositioning lately (especially Zoe), so there's still plenty of hope they'll turn themselves back around in the next 4 weeks.
So, we decided how to decide on the anticipated C-section vs. vaginal delivery options. If they are both head down at 30 weeks, we will hold tight and attempt a vaginal delivery if nothing changes. If either of them are breech or transverse, we will schedule the C for 38 weeks (around February 17th-ish).
We tried getting a 3D ultrasound on Saturday, but neither baby was feeling particularly photogenic, so we are going back this coming Saturday to try again. We could tell that both babies have hair (gasp!). I am used to bald babies - this will take some adjusting for my psyche (luckily/hopefully I have several weeks to get my mind around it).
I think, unbelievably, that the ultrasounds are becoming anti-climactic. We had the 22nd one today, so that might have something to do with it. I asked Forest if he remembered those early scans where we were so excited to see that they had arms! and legs! and brains! I am just spoiled rotten now, huh?
I am pretty excited that we are now in the DOUBLE DIGIT countdown to 40 weeks! As of today, there are 99 days left!
And on that note, I am off to finish the work day so I can go home and nap!
Muah!
Amy
When last I updated I had just gone to the MFM for a check-up and everything looked good and they told me to come back in 4 weeks. Well, 4 weeks was up today so I was back in there. The babes are still doing very well - they're both head UP now (little stinkers) but they have been doing A LOT of repositioning lately (especially Zoe), so there's still plenty of hope they'll turn themselves back around in the next 4 weeks.
So, we decided how to decide on the anticipated C-section vs. vaginal delivery options. If they are both head down at 30 weeks, we will hold tight and attempt a vaginal delivery if nothing changes. If either of them are breech or transverse, we will schedule the C for 38 weeks (around February 17th-ish).
We tried getting a 3D ultrasound on Saturday, but neither baby was feeling particularly photogenic, so we are going back this coming Saturday to try again. We could tell that both babies have hair (gasp!). I am used to bald babies - this will take some adjusting for my psyche (luckily/hopefully I have several weeks to get my mind around it).
I think, unbelievably, that the ultrasounds are becoming anti-climactic. We had the 22nd one today, so that might have something to do with it. I asked Forest if he remembered those early scans where we were so excited to see that they had arms! and legs! and brains! I am just spoiled rotten now, huh?
I am pretty excited that we are now in the DOUBLE DIGIT countdown to 40 weeks! As of today, there are 99 days left!
And on that note, I am off to finish the work day so I can go home and nap!
Muah!
Amy
Sunday, October 31, 2010
22w4d: Updating
Hello everyone. I am a slacker blogger, but you ALL knew that already, so that's not an update!
But, last week I did have the big anatomy scan and we were very happy that everything checked out a-OK.
But, last week I did have the big anatomy scan and we were very happy that everything checked out a-OK.
- Both babies alive: Check! Heartbeats were both measured at 144 bpm. Zoe is actually QUITE the wiggler, but she has an anterior placenta so I don't actually feel much. On the ultrasound we saw her stretch completely out.
Exhibit A: a completely outstretched Zoe leg:
- Cervix holding strong: Check! It measured 3.8 cm. Apparently that was so reassuring that the MFM said that we are going to stop checking it. Wow.
- No growth restriction on Zoe: Check! She actually measured one day ahead of him (which was a very, very slight difference. They each measured an approximate 15 ounces :)
- Normal babies: Check! The MFM said he saw "no major problems". I said, "Do you see any minor or moderate problems?" and he said in a robot voice, "No problems have been detected at this time."
Also, the hematoma was not visible at all. So, perhaps it has completely healed. That would rock.
So, it couldn't have been better. My next appointment with them was scheduled for 4 weeks later and it's marked as a "Basic" ultrasound. What does that entail, do you think? Just counting them and making sure they have heartbeats? "Yep - there's still 2 of them. Come back in 4 weeks." Oh well, it was nice to leave with absolutely nothing to obsess over for a change.
The Mothers of Twins Club meeting was fun. I didn't expect it to have an open bar! For some reason that struck me as very funny. I am now officially a member and have access to their neat-o website with a forum for questions like, "What's the best diaper bag?" and "What convertible car seat does everyone recommend?". Pretty cool. They also do fun outings like a hayride and breakfast with Santa & stuff. I look forward to partaking in that next year!
I guess that's it for me - I will leave you with a few cute pics, as requested by Misty :)
Exhibit B: Zoe's Face
Exhibit C: Whole Zoe
Exhibit D: Egan's Face
Exhibit E: Egan's Feet
Exhibit F: Egan says, "See you next time!"
Muah!
Amy
Thursday, October 21, 2010
21w1d: Dare I Say I'm Feeling Better?
After 4 weeks, the bleeding *finally* stopped. I am now going on 4 days of virtually no blood. I can't describe how much better it feels to see nothing disturbing. I guess I didn't fully appreciate the toll the constant bleeding was taking on my emotions, but once it stopped, I started feeling better right away.
We go next Tuesday for the big anatomy scan. I am looking forward to that. I am hoping to get some assurance that:
Well, I guess that's about it for me. 2 weeks and 6 days till viability! YAY!!!
We go next Tuesday for the big anatomy scan. I am looking forward to that. I am hoping to get some assurance that:
- Both babies are alive (I feel kicking, but it always feels like Egan rather than Zoe...but she does have an anterior placenta...but, you know, it will just be nice to have confirmation)
- My cervix is holding strong
- Zoe's growth is the same as Egan's
- They don't have any abnormalities
Well, I guess that's about it for me. 2 weeks and 6 days till viability! YAY!!!
Friday, October 8, 2010
19w2d: Have we talked about how to deliver these babies?
Perhaps in an attempt to draw my focus away from the length of my cervix at Tuesday's perinatal appointment (3.6 cm), the fact that I continue to have significant "old blood" discharge (going on 3 weeks now), or that I somehow lost 6 pounds since my last OB appointment (4 weeks ago), my OB decided to shift to a discussion of the end game: vaginal delivery vs. Caesarian. This decision is, apparently, totally up to me.
Now, I aim to be nice to people - I do not intend to go around offending others, so I try to behave. But the truth is, I am often smug and judgmental in my head.
Before I learned some of the harder lessons my life has had to teach me so far (e.g., infertility, 2nd trimester miscarriage), I was soooooooooo smug. I counted myself among the most fertile fertiles ever. I thought I was awesome at baby-having because my labor with Katie was <4 hours and I recovered quickly. I nursed Katie (she also got formula when she was in the care of others because breast pumps in 1994 were crappy) for a long, long time. I was pretty smug about it too.
Before I had Katie, I didn't realize that there were people who didn't even attempt to breastfeed for whatever reason (keep in mind I was 17 - there was a lot I didn't know about the world). Upon learning this, I thought these people who preferred formula were ridiculous and selfish. I was smug because I felt like I could make a better decision about nourishing my baby at 17 than women who were twice my age. Katie has been a freakishly healthy child. She got strep throat in Kindergarten and a sinus infection followed by chicken pox in 7th grade and that is literally IT for her history of infectious diseases (other than occasional sniffles). I, of course, have always attributed this to the superpower of my breast milk and my generally awesome mothering.
I have always been similarly smug about my disdain for scheduled C-sections. Apparently, I chalked them all up to mothers and doctors choosing convenience over nature - a notion I have rolled my eyes at on more than one occasion. Until this morning.
When my OB brought up this topic, my first inclination was "vaginal, of course". Then she started talking about the complications of twin deliveries. She said that usually, once Baby A is delivered, Baby B turns head down and comes on out with no trouble. Or, even if Baby B is breech, they don't worry because Baby A just fit through the cervix, so it's no big deal. BUT - sometimes Baby B drops its cord because of the space left when Baby A is delivered and then we're in an emergency C-section situation.
This description nearly caused me to have a panic attack. I couldn't believe myself. I may have a higher opinion of my stoicism than what is supported by reality (a likely case, since I am, in general, smug) but I tend to think I can keep a level head and I was shocked by my reaction. I guess the thought of losing Baby B to cord prolapse after all of this was too much for my neurons to process. I told my OB that talking about it was making me anxious so she said, "Then we'll stop talking about it" and said that we don't need a decision today or even at the next appointment but it's something I should startfreaking out obsessing thinking about.
So now I suddenly realize that there can be actual reasons to schedule a C-section (I mean, who knew?) and I think it is what I'm leaning toward. I guess I am just getting my comeuppance all around, huh?
Now, I aim to be nice to people - I do not intend to go around offending others, so I try to behave. But the truth is, I am often smug and judgmental in my head.
Before I learned some of the harder lessons my life has had to teach me so far (e.g., infertility, 2nd trimester miscarriage), I was soooooooooo smug. I counted myself among the most fertile fertiles ever. I thought I was awesome at baby-having because my labor with Katie was <4 hours and I recovered quickly. I nursed Katie (she also got formula when she was in the care of others because breast pumps in 1994 were crappy) for a long, long time. I was pretty smug about it too.
Before I had Katie, I didn't realize that there were people who didn't even attempt to breastfeed for whatever reason (keep in mind I was 17 - there was a lot I didn't know about the world). Upon learning this, I thought these people who preferred formula were ridiculous and selfish. I was smug because I felt like I could make a better decision about nourishing my baby at 17 than women who were twice my age. Katie has been a freakishly healthy child. She got strep throat in Kindergarten and a sinus infection followed by chicken pox in 7th grade and that is literally IT for her history of infectious diseases (other than occasional sniffles). I, of course, have always attributed this to the superpower of my breast milk and my generally awesome mothering.
I have always been similarly smug about my disdain for scheduled C-sections. Apparently, I chalked them all up to mothers and doctors choosing convenience over nature - a notion I have rolled my eyes at on more than one occasion. Until this morning.
When my OB brought up this topic, my first inclination was "vaginal, of course". Then she started talking about the complications of twin deliveries. She said that usually, once Baby A is delivered, Baby B turns head down and comes on out with no trouble. Or, even if Baby B is breech, they don't worry because Baby A just fit through the cervix, so it's no big deal. BUT - sometimes Baby B drops its cord because of the space left when Baby A is delivered and then we're in an emergency C-section situation.
This description nearly caused me to have a panic attack. I couldn't believe myself. I may have a higher opinion of my stoicism than what is supported by reality (a likely case, since I am, in general, smug) but I tend to think I can keep a level head and I was shocked by my reaction. I guess the thought of losing Baby B to cord prolapse after all of this was too much for my neurons to process. I told my OB that talking about it was making me anxious so she said, "Then we'll stop talking about it" and said that we don't need a decision today or even at the next appointment but it's something I should start
So now I suddenly realize that there can be actual reasons to schedule a C-section (I mean, who knew?) and I think it is what I'm leaning toward. I guess I am just getting my comeuppance all around, huh?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
17w3d: I'm home
I should feel relieved, right? After the nightmare of last Sunday, I should be on top of the world, yes? And, of course I am...for the most part. I told Forest I felt like we were walking through the depths of Hell and got snatched out and I still can't catch my breath.
Thank you all for your comments and prayers and hugs. I hate that so many of us know what this terror is like.
I was basically incredulous when the peri told me on Monday that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured. I thought he was crazy. I told him there was A LOT of fluid and he said, "I believe you" but I don't think he did. My OB said maybe I peed and didn't realize it. Uh, NO - I'm quite certain I didn't. But the medical professionals seem content to leave the fluid an unsolved mystery. And I didn't have any more leaking in the hospital and the fluid levels around both babes continued to be stable all week.
And then they sent me home. And now I am terrified. The peri on Friday said that the hematoma puts me at increased risk for ruptured membranes down the road and my OB said that the part of Zoe's placenta in front of the bleed is now non-functioning and they'll have to monitor her for IUGR. Those two risks have me pretty much freaking out.
How does one relax in this situation? Or should I just get used to this state of sadness and anxiety that we're still 6 weeks and 4 days from the raw edge of viability?
As I attempt to think positively, I am picking out "Coming Home" outfits for the babies. It's so much easier to find adorable things for girls. Where do I find the boy equivalent to this sweet jumper?
I am just trying to focus on how much I love these precious ones and cherish every moment I have with them. Here's a shot of Egan from yesterday's scan. I think he looks like his daddy. Forest says it's the haircut ;)
Much love to you all!
Thank you all for your comments and prayers and hugs. I hate that so many of us know what this terror is like.
I was basically incredulous when the peri told me on Monday that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured. I thought he was crazy. I told him there was A LOT of fluid and he said, "I believe you" but I don't think he did. My OB said maybe I peed and didn't realize it. Uh, NO - I'm quite certain I didn't. But the medical professionals seem content to leave the fluid an unsolved mystery. And I didn't have any more leaking in the hospital and the fluid levels around both babes continued to be stable all week.
And then they sent me home. And now I am terrified. The peri on Friday said that the hematoma puts me at increased risk for ruptured membranes down the road and my OB said that the part of Zoe's placenta in front of the bleed is now non-functioning and they'll have to monitor her for IUGR. Those two risks have me pretty much freaking out.
How does one relax in this situation? Or should I just get used to this state of sadness and anxiety that we're still 6 weeks and 4 days from the raw edge of viability?
As I attempt to think positively, I am picking out "Coming Home" outfits for the babies. It's so much easier to find adorable things for girls. Where do I find the boy equivalent to this sweet jumper?
I am just trying to focus on how much I love these precious ones and cherish every moment I have with them. Here's a shot of Egan from yesterday's scan. I think he looks like his daddy. Forest says it's the haircut ;)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Pretty Scary
Sooooo....just a few days after my "so different" post, things started to seem very familiar - and not in a good way.
Sunday evening I was lying on the couch when I felt a little fluid leaking - I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I was concerned, of course, but not freaking out, because they had seen a subchorionic hematoma on the ultrasound since our week 10 scan.
I went to the other room to get my phone to call the doctor when I started leaking a lot of fluid. I started crying and told Forest my water broke. We were in shock - incredulous - my cervix was <4 cm long and closed last Tuesday! How could this happen??!!?!?
We went to the closest hospital and called my doctor's exchange on the way and told them my water broke. She called back immediately and said she was calling the hospital and telling them to admit me right to L&D.
They put me on a stretcher and took me up to L&D. There was a large pool of clear fluid on the stretcher. When my doctor arrived she examined me and there was a lot of horrible, awful looking blood. She said she couldn't see my cervix and she said that was good, because it meant nothing had progressed very far down the birth canal, but she didn't want to be poking around in there anymore.
They brought in a bedside ultrasound machine. Both babies were kicking and squirming and appeared to have normal fluid levels. She said it was a good sign that Baby A was fully visible on ultrasound, in a transverse lie - she had not entered the birth canal at all. She said that they'd have the perinatologist evaluate me Monday morning and that it is theoretically possible to be on bed rest for many, many weeks - even ruptured - to reach viability. We had zero hope before she got there, but with those positive findings, we had some hope to hold on to.
Monday's ultrasound revealed normal fluid levels around both babies. They looked at my cervix with the abdominal ultrasound and said that, while they couldn't get exact measurements without a transvaginal ultrasound (which they didn't want to do because it might exacerbate the bleeding), my cervix appeared long and closed. He said that it "definitely isn't wide open". The only part of that exam that was disturbing was that Baby A had moved "head down" and that made me upset - I felt like she was getting ready for birth. But everyone else just said that it was a good sign, because they move around all the time, and that if she had lost too much fluid, she wouldn't be able to move at all. The peri said that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured and he said that "we might all be looking back on this as just a very scary day".
They told me to sit tight in the hospital until Wednesday and then, if the bleeding stopped, I'd have another scan, including a transvaginal evaluation of my cervix.
Yesterday's scan was even better. Zoe had moved back to a transverse lie (no longer head down) and the fluid still looked normal. I had no leaking and the bleeding was very light and was just old stuff. The transvag showed that my cervix is still completely closed and long.
I think the peri was ready to send me home yesterday, but my doctor wants me to stay here until at least tomorrow, when I'll get another ultrasound and make sure everything is stable.
They might do a procedure kind of like an amniocentesis where they inject blue dye into Baby A's sac and then put a tampon in and see if it turns blue. Niiiiice. I'm thinking that they will decide not to do that since the leaking has stopped completely.
So, apparently, the fluid was all with the hematoma, which finally reached a critical mass on Sunday and broke free. It is showing as being much smaller on ultrasound yesterday vs. Monday.
I am on bedrest for now. My doctor said we'd come up with a "long-term plan" after tomorrow's scan.
Unbelievable. And the scariest thing I've ever been through.
We are so, unbelievably, happy and feel so blessed that our babies are still with us and appear to be totally fine.
What a week!
Sunday evening I was lying on the couch when I felt a little fluid leaking - I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I was concerned, of course, but not freaking out, because they had seen a subchorionic hematoma on the ultrasound since our week 10 scan.
I went to the other room to get my phone to call the doctor when I started leaking a lot of fluid. I started crying and told Forest my water broke. We were in shock - incredulous - my cervix was <4 cm long and closed last Tuesday! How could this happen??!!?!?
We went to the closest hospital and called my doctor's exchange on the way and told them my water broke. She called back immediately and said she was calling the hospital and telling them to admit me right to L&D.
They put me on a stretcher and took me up to L&D. There was a large pool of clear fluid on the stretcher. When my doctor arrived she examined me and there was a lot of horrible, awful looking blood. She said she couldn't see my cervix and she said that was good, because it meant nothing had progressed very far down the birth canal, but she didn't want to be poking around in there anymore.
They brought in a bedside ultrasound machine. Both babies were kicking and squirming and appeared to have normal fluid levels. She said it was a good sign that Baby A was fully visible on ultrasound, in a transverse lie - she had not entered the birth canal at all. She said that they'd have the perinatologist evaluate me Monday morning and that it is theoretically possible to be on bed rest for many, many weeks - even ruptured - to reach viability. We had zero hope before she got there, but with those positive findings, we had some hope to hold on to.
Monday's ultrasound revealed normal fluid levels around both babies. They looked at my cervix with the abdominal ultrasound and said that, while they couldn't get exact measurements without a transvaginal ultrasound (which they didn't want to do because it might exacerbate the bleeding), my cervix appeared long and closed. He said that it "definitely isn't wide open". The only part of that exam that was disturbing was that Baby A had moved "head down" and that made me upset - I felt like she was getting ready for birth. But everyone else just said that it was a good sign, because they move around all the time, and that if she had lost too much fluid, she wouldn't be able to move at all. The peri said that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured and he said that "we might all be looking back on this as just a very scary day".
They told me to sit tight in the hospital until Wednesday and then, if the bleeding stopped, I'd have another scan, including a transvaginal evaluation of my cervix.
Yesterday's scan was even better. Zoe had moved back to a transverse lie (no longer head down) and the fluid still looked normal. I had no leaking and the bleeding was very light and was just old stuff. The transvag showed that my cervix is still completely closed and long.
I think the peri was ready to send me home yesterday, but my doctor wants me to stay here until at least tomorrow, when I'll get another ultrasound and make sure everything is stable.
They might do a procedure kind of like an amniocentesis where they inject blue dye into Baby A's sac and then put a tampon in and see if it turns blue. Niiiiice. I'm thinking that they will decide not to do that since the leaking has stopped completely.
So, apparently, the fluid was all with the hematoma, which finally reached a critical mass on Sunday and broke free. It is showing as being much smaller on ultrasound yesterday vs. Monday.
I am on bedrest for now. My doctor said we'd come up with a "long-term plan" after tomorrow's scan.
Unbelievable. And the scariest thing I've ever been through.
We are so, unbelievably, happy and feel so blessed that our babies are still with us and appear to be totally fine.
What a week!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
So Different
It really does seem completely different this time around.
With Jack, I remember looking at myself in the mirror the morning of 16w0d. We were in a hotel room in Springfield, MO, getting ready to go to the university for Katie's dance competition. I wore my maternity "Pom Mom" sweater that Katie had embroidered for me for Christmas. I asked Forest if he thought I looked pregnant yet or still just chubby. He (of course) said that I looked totally pregnant and he read me the "What to Expect" iPhone update for 16 weeks, as he had each Saturday since downloading the app. I looked in the mirror and I felt worried. I guess part of me knew all along that my sweet baby wasn't meant to come home with us. I never felt confident in the pregnancy - it all seemed sort of surreal and kind of disconnected.
I still sometimes can't believe the rest of the events that unfolded that day actually happened to me. It was so horrible and painful. And, at the same time, it was like I was floating above myself - or maybe I was off to the side somewhere. Part of me wasn't connected to my body or my mind. Part of me knew it was going to happen, I guess. When my water broke in the ER I looked at Forest and said, "It's over". He was in shock. He just kept shaking his head and saying, "I can't believe this is real." I'll never forget the look on his face. I'm sure the look on mine was more resigned. I knew there was no hope for my baby once my water broke.
I cursed myself for feeling like I would've been "disappointed" finding out for sure that Jack was a boy. I always "felt" like he was a he from the time I saw the + sign on the HPT (and maybe even before that). Even though I didn't feel right "wanting" a girl, I couldn't help it and I was trying to prepare myself to not be disappointed. But, of course, when it came down to it, I really just wanted my baby to live and I saw - all at once - that I did want a boy. I wanted that boy. I wanted my boy.
Anyway, far too many of you know exactly what those emotions are like - I cannot put words around it as well as others can. For those who don't know what it's like, I hope you never do.
But, like I said, this time feels competely different. This time, at 16 weeks, I don't care if I "look" pregnant or just chubby. I know it's real. I've seen my babies on ultrasound now 8 times. The ultrasounds haven't been disconcerting since the 4th time, once they were finally measuring the same size as each other. I have been reassured that my cervix is not actually incompetent - it hasn't budged and is still >4 cm, curved, and closed. There is even a fair amount of uterus (about 3 cm) above my cervix before we even get to Miss Zoe (that's Baby C1's real name). Yesterday the peri (who is awesome) was looking at my chart with me and he saw that I wrote this was my 3rd pregnancy. He asked how far along I was when I delivered Katie. I said, "40 weeks, 3 days." He said that he is giving a talk just next week about the difference in risk for a woman who has delivered full term and has also had a PTB (pre-term birth) vs. a woman who has had a PTB without a full term delivery. Basically, he feels like my risk is dramatically lower given the full term delivery and my currently confirmed long cervix. I said, "So what happened last time, then?" He said that, obviously, we'll never know, but he would highly suspect an infection. Poor cervix - I've been falsely accusing her.
In related news, as of yesterday's scan, we are 90% sure it's a boy and a girl. Perfect.
ETA: I only told you one name, above, so: our baby girl is Zoe Ruth and our baby boy is Egan Mitchell :)
With Jack, I remember looking at myself in the mirror the morning of 16w0d. We were in a hotel room in Springfield, MO, getting ready to go to the university for Katie's dance competition. I wore my maternity "Pom Mom" sweater that Katie had embroidered for me for Christmas. I asked Forest if he thought I looked pregnant yet or still just chubby. He (of course) said that I looked totally pregnant and he read me the "What to Expect" iPhone update for 16 weeks, as he had each Saturday since downloading the app. I looked in the mirror and I felt worried. I guess part of me knew all along that my sweet baby wasn't meant to come home with us. I never felt confident in the pregnancy - it all seemed sort of surreal and kind of disconnected.
I still sometimes can't believe the rest of the events that unfolded that day actually happened to me. It was so horrible and painful. And, at the same time, it was like I was floating above myself - or maybe I was off to the side somewhere. Part of me wasn't connected to my body or my mind. Part of me knew it was going to happen, I guess. When my water broke in the ER I looked at Forest and said, "It's over". He was in shock. He just kept shaking his head and saying, "I can't believe this is real." I'll never forget the look on his face. I'm sure the look on mine was more resigned. I knew there was no hope for my baby once my water broke.
I cursed myself for feeling like I would've been "disappointed" finding out for sure that Jack was a boy. I always "felt" like he was a he from the time I saw the + sign on the HPT (and maybe even before that). Even though I didn't feel right "wanting" a girl, I couldn't help it and I was trying to prepare myself to not be disappointed. But, of course, when it came down to it, I really just wanted my baby to live and I saw - all at once - that I did want a boy. I wanted that boy. I wanted my boy.
Anyway, far too many of you know exactly what those emotions are like - I cannot put words around it as well as others can. For those who don't know what it's like, I hope you never do.
But, like I said, this time feels competely different. This time, at 16 weeks, I don't care if I "look" pregnant or just chubby. I know it's real. I've seen my babies on ultrasound now 8 times. The ultrasounds haven't been disconcerting since the 4th time, once they were finally measuring the same size as each other. I have been reassured that my cervix is not actually incompetent - it hasn't budged and is still >4 cm, curved, and closed. There is even a fair amount of uterus (about 3 cm) above my cervix before we even get to Miss Zoe (that's Baby C1's real name). Yesterday the peri (who is awesome) was looking at my chart with me and he saw that I wrote this was my 3rd pregnancy. He asked how far along I was when I delivered Katie. I said, "40 weeks, 3 days." He said that he is giving a talk just next week about the difference in risk for a woman who has delivered full term and has also had a PTB (pre-term birth) vs. a woman who has had a PTB without a full term delivery. Basically, he feels like my risk is dramatically lower given the full term delivery and my currently confirmed long cervix. I said, "So what happened last time, then?" He said that, obviously, we'll never know, but he would highly suspect an infection. Poor cervix - I've been falsely accusing her.
In related news, as of yesterday's scan, we are 90% sure it's a boy and a girl. Perfect.
ETA: I only told you one name, above, so: our baby girl is Zoe Ruth and our baby boy is Egan Mitchell :)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
14w6d: It's All Good
I had another MFM appointment today at lunchtime. My cervix measured >6 cm, which is lovely. I asked the peri if it was the longest cervix he'd ever seen and he said it was. He also thought maybe the tech had measured a bit more than cervix and it might be overstated a bit, but he thought it looked really, really good. He is having me come back next Tuesday (15w6d) just to put my mind at ease since we lost Jack at 16w0d and he imagines I will be anxious next week. How cool is that?
We got extra peeks at the babes too! There was an OB resident there so they were all, "Do you mind if he takes a look for a few minutes?" I was like "Not at all. Does anyone ever say 'no' to that?"
The ultrasound tech registered her educated guess on the babies' genders. With the standard disclaimers that it's really early and that these are just guesses, she said it looks like Baby A (a.k.a. Baby C1) is a girl and that Baby B (a.k.a. Baby C2) is a boy. This is the opposite of what I have been thinking, so I have decided that they just switched places over the last 2 weeks ;)
So, the news really couldn't be better. And for that we are very relieved and very thankful. Overall, a happy day!
We got extra peeks at the babes too! There was an OB resident there so they were all, "Do you mind if he takes a look for a few minutes?" I was like "Not at all. Does anyone ever say 'no' to that?"
The ultrasound tech registered her educated guess on the babies' genders. With the standard disclaimers that it's really early and that these are just guesses, she said it looks like Baby A (a.k.a. Baby C1) is a girl and that Baby B (a.k.a. Baby C2) is a boy. This is the opposite of what I have been thinking, so I have decided that they just switched places over the last 2 weeks ;)
So, the news really couldn't be better. And for that we are very relieved and very thankful. Overall, a happy day!
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