Plans

Well, firstly I did not mean to wait 2 months before posting again.


I planned to tell you about the spotting I had 2 days after my first "normal pregnant lady appointment" and how scary it was.  I planned to tell you that I called my doctor and she wasn't concerned - saying it was completely normal and it was probably because the cervix was irritated during the transvag ultrasound.


I planned to tell you about additional spotting on New Year's Eve and how I told Forest we couldn't have sex until my next appointment (in January).  At that appointment, the doctor was again unconcerned, talking about how there is a lot of bloodflow to the cervix and, again, how very normal spotting is during early pregnancy.


I planned to tell you about the ultrasound we had that day where the baby was SUPER active and Forest started calling him "Squirmy", which was  better than "Lumpy" - the name Forest gave him at our very first ultrasound where he looked like a little grain of rice.


I planned to apologize for not posting or commenting on blogs and plead that I was just sleepy in the evenings after work but that I was very much enjoying reading everyone's updates and was wishing everyone well. I just didn't feel like I had anything original to say.  I was very worried about the pregnancy - in a way I never was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  I tried to tell myself that it was just because I was so young when I was expecting her - I didn't know all about all of the things that could go wrong.  But I couldn't shake the apprehension, no matter how much I told myself it is normal to worry, given everything we've been through.


I planned to tell you that I found out that my sweet friend Amanda is also expecting, due just FIVE DAYS after me and how we went to dinner and planned to meet at least each month and take pictures of our growing bellies.


I planned to tell you about my appointment last Wednesday, where we heard the heartbeat with the Doppler (no ultrasound at this one) and it was in the 140s.  I planned to tell you about my continued feeling that the baby was a boy, which was planned to be confirmed at my next appointment on March 10th, where we would get the "big" ultrasound.


I planned to link to Murgdan's post about not wanting an epidural at delivery. I planned to agree with her 100% and throw in my story about how I had a bad experience with the epidural when I had Katie.  I planned to go to childbirth classes and prepare for an unmedicated delivery.


I planned to bring my sweet baby home in July.  I planned to kiss him and marvel over him and how tiny and perfect he was and to see if he had daddy's ears or if he had my toes.  I planned to care for him, nurse him, wrap him in soft blankets, comfort him when he cried, to teach him and take home videos of his first time trying green beans, and crawling, and his first steps, and his first birthday and all the birthdays after that.  I planned to ask him if he wanted to play soccer or take karate, or both, or something else.


But, none of that happened. On Saturday we went to Springfield, MO (about 3 hours away) to Katie's pom competition.  At about 3 pm we were walking to the car after lunch and I hopped down from a tiny little wall (about 18 inches off the ground).  I felt a weird sensation like something was in my vagina.  When we got back to the competition I went to the bathroom and there was no blood or fluid and I couldn't feel anything in my vagina, but I didn't reach very far (too scared of what I'd find).  I didn't feel anything further and there was no cramping or anything.  Crazily, I thought maybe I was imagining things or that it was nothing serious. 


At about 4:30 p.m., the competition was over and we started on our way out of Springfield. We stopped at Quiktrip to get drinks & snacks.  I felt something again and went to the bathroom. I could feel a fluid sac at the opening of my vagina.  We went to the hospital.


In the triage room of the ER, my water broke.  I eventually went to L&D.  The baby was still alive, but with my water broken at 16 weeks, there was nothing that could be done.  I got an epidural (it was much better than last time).  They started pitocin and I delivered my sweet baby boy at around 5:00 am.  He was precious and perfect and tiny.


We are filled with love for him. He appeared to have my toes and my nose (of course that's ridiculous - as it was really too soon to tell), but his ears were too tiny to tell if they had Forest's attached earlobes or my unattached ones. They put him in a tiny outfit and took pictures of him. His name was Jack Cullen Crawford and we will love him forever.


I don't know when or why my cervix became incompetent. I wasn't in labor, so the doctor said it probably wasn't an infection. 


Needless to say, we are devastated. My heart is in a million pieces and I barely know how I'll go back to work. I can hardly imagine the future without our baby. 


His remains are at the funeral home and we're going to have a service and bury him with Forest's parents.


Please keep us in your prayers.