Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Monday, February 15, 2010

Plans

Well, firstly I did not mean to wait 2 months before posting again.


I planned to tell you about the spotting I had 2 days after my first "normal pregnant lady appointment" and how scary it was.  I planned to tell you that I called my doctor and she wasn't concerned - saying it was completely normal and it was probably because the cervix was irritated during the transvag ultrasound.


I planned to tell you about additional spotting on New Year's Eve and how I told Forest we couldn't have sex until my next appointment (in January).  At that appointment, the doctor was again unconcerned, talking about how there is a lot of bloodflow to the cervix and, again, how very normal spotting is during early pregnancy.


I planned to tell you about the ultrasound we had that day where the baby was SUPER active and Forest started calling him "Squirmy", which was  better than "Lumpy" - the name Forest gave him at our very first ultrasound where he looked like a little grain of rice.


I planned to apologize for not posting or commenting on blogs and plead that I was just sleepy in the evenings after work but that I was very much enjoying reading everyone's updates and was wishing everyone well. I just didn't feel like I had anything original to say.  I was very worried about the pregnancy - in a way I never was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  I tried to tell myself that it was just because I was so young when I was expecting her - I didn't know all about all of the things that could go wrong.  But I couldn't shake the apprehension, no matter how much I told myself it is normal to worry, given everything we've been through.


I planned to tell you that I found out that my sweet friend Amanda is also expecting, due just FIVE DAYS after me and how we went to dinner and planned to meet at least each month and take pictures of our growing bellies.


I planned to tell you about my appointment last Wednesday, where we heard the heartbeat with the Doppler (no ultrasound at this one) and it was in the 140s.  I planned to tell you about my continued feeling that the baby was a boy, which was planned to be confirmed at my next appointment on March 10th, where we would get the "big" ultrasound.


I planned to link to Murgdan's post about not wanting an epidural at delivery. I planned to agree with her 100% and throw in my story about how I had a bad experience with the epidural when I had Katie.  I planned to go to childbirth classes and prepare for an unmedicated delivery.


I planned to bring my sweet baby home in July.  I planned to kiss him and marvel over him and how tiny and perfect he was and to see if he had daddy's ears or if he had my toes.  I planned to care for him, nurse him, wrap him in soft blankets, comfort him when he cried, to teach him and take home videos of his first time trying green beans, and crawling, and his first steps, and his first birthday and all the birthdays after that.  I planned to ask him if he wanted to play soccer or take karate, or both, or something else.


But, none of that happened. On Saturday we went to Springfield, MO (about 3 hours away) to Katie's pom competition.  At about 3 pm we were walking to the car after lunch and I hopped down from a tiny little wall (about 18 inches off the ground).  I felt a weird sensation like something was in my vagina.  When we got back to the competition I went to the bathroom and there was no blood or fluid and I couldn't feel anything in my vagina, but I didn't reach very far (too scared of what I'd find).  I didn't feel anything further and there was no cramping or anything.  Crazily, I thought maybe I was imagining things or that it was nothing serious. 


At about 4:30 p.m., the competition was over and we started on our way out of Springfield. We stopped at Quiktrip to get drinks & snacks.  I felt something again and went to the bathroom. I could feel a fluid sac at the opening of my vagina.  We went to the hospital.


In the triage room of the ER, my water broke.  I eventually went to L&D.  The baby was still alive, but with my water broken at 16 weeks, there was nothing that could be done.  I got an epidural (it was much better than last time).  They started pitocin and I delivered my sweet baby boy at around 5:00 am.  He was precious and perfect and tiny.


We are filled with love for him. He appeared to have my toes and my nose (of course that's ridiculous - as it was really too soon to tell), but his ears were too tiny to tell if they had Forest's attached earlobes or my unattached ones. They put him in a tiny outfit and took pictures of him. His name was Jack Cullen Crawford and we will love him forever.


I don't know when or why my cervix became incompetent. I wasn't in labor, so the doctor said it probably wasn't an infection. 


Needless to say, we are devastated. My heart is in a million pieces and I barely know how I'll go back to work. I can hardly imagine the future without our baby. 


His remains are at the funeral home and we're going to have a service and bury him with Forest's parents.


Please keep us in your prayers. 

112 comments:

Jill M. said...

I was soooo not expecting this news. I am in tears for you and your family. This is just horrible! I was at risk of an incompetent cervix due to a leep and I have had the fear of experiencing what you just did. Please know that we are praying for you sweetie. Big huge hugs.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending lots of prayers for peace and healing for you and your family.

justsisters said...

oh Amy {HUGS} I know there is nothing that can take away your pain! Jack will always be loved. I am so sorry he couldnt stay longer with you here. It was so hard for me to read everything b/c I was crying so hard. I know you waited a very long time for your sweet baby boy. :(

'Murgdan' said...

Oh honey my heart is breaking for you...I was so excited to see your post and now I wish I could go back and erase it all for you...and that you could just go on planning and happy and perfect. I am so sorry. Jack Cullen Crawford. What a beautiful name. I am so sorry he came too soon.

Ann and Peter said...

This is not what I was expecting from your blog post today. My husband and I are both tearfully sorry for your loss. We are sending love and hugs and prayers for healing.

Lucky Jones said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my prayers....

Sarah said...

Amy, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I just dont know what to say. I'm here for you, if you need to talk or scream...or whatever.

Love you, sweetie.

XOXOXO

Bree said...

Hi Amy,
I came over from Murgdan's blog to send my love. I'm am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter, Ella at 23 weeks last March. This journey is so difficult and so wrong. There are many women online who have lost babies that are here to support you and lift you up. Please visit my blog or email me if you need anything- briannemeg@yahoo.com. Thinking of you and Jack today.

Aisha said...

I am so so so so so so sorry. I am speechless. Thinking of you and your family during this horrible beyond words painful time.

mekate said...

Oh I am so so so sorry for your loss of precious Jack. I do not have any helpful words,
it is just so completely stunningly tragic.
so please just know I am a total stranger, sending love to you and your family.

Kate

Rachel said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Alex and Jill said...

Oh Amy....I just want to give you a huge hug right now. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Jack. My heart hurts so badly for you and your husband. Covering your family in prayer.

Sarang said...

I am here from Murgdan's. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

Ella said...

I'm here via Murgdan... I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, you are in my prayers.

Tracey said...

So heartbreaking, I'm sorry you are having to go through this....losing a child is just an impossibly hard journey that no parent should ever have to take. My thoughts are with you and little Jack and the whole family.

lis said...

im here via murgdan as well...im so very sorry for your heartbreak and the loss of your beautiful baby boy jack.
i wish i could say more to help you feel better. this road is a bittersweet one, paved with sweet memories and searing pain.
thinking of you today. it has been almost 4 months since i lost my beautiful baby girls and im still trying to make sense of it.
please don't hesitate to get in touch if you need to talk or vent.
don't forget your little love is still with you, though not where you want him, he's in your heart. i found when i was hurting the most, talking to my babies helped to keep them close to me.

xoxo
lisa

babyinterrupted said...

I'm also here through Murgan. And so very, very sorry. Words are never enough.

tootertotz said...

Learned of your loss from Murgdan...I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is simply not fair and there are no words that will do justice to your situation.

I know this pain and it is devastating. For whatever it is worth, the pain does become less raw with time but the amount of time is the x-factor.

I am sending you peace and strength through this terrible time.

Meg. said...

Amy, words cannot express how sorry I am for the loss of your precious Jack.

To say that this news is shocking an tragic does not do justice.

I'm just so sorry. Holding you and your family in my heart.

HereWeGoAJen said...

I am so sorry. I will be thinking about you and your Jack.

Hope in Virginia said...

Oh my heart breaks for you. I just cannot imagine the pain. Sweet baby, Jack. Please know that there are tons of us out here in the blogworld thinking about you and sending our love, prayers and support.

Amy said...

I am saying many prayers for you, Forrest, Katie, and baby Jack. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Celia said...

I am so terribly sorry.

Bella said...

I am so very, very sorry. There are no words. I will keep you, Forrest, and jack in my prayers.

Jen said...

I'm here via Murgdan as well. I'm so very sorry. I can't imagine.

R.J. said...

I am so sorry for you and your DH. Sending prayers your way.

Jenn said...

I'm so so sorry.

Jendeis said...

I am so sorry. Thinking of you and your family.

ASP said...

I'm so sorry for you and your family. You are all in my prayers.

Trinity said...

My heart is aching for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping you in my thoughts...

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family...

Hurdles of Life said...

sorry for you loss... jack will always be loved and be with you loving you. xoxoxo

Myndi said...

I am here via Murgdan. I am unbelievably sorry this happened to you and your family. Take care of you and yours.

gracieinbrooklyn said...

Also here via Murgdan and am so, so, so truly sorry for your loss.

Elana said...

I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish you comfort and peace at this very difficult time.

Jennifer Rusch said...

I just don't even know what to type. I'm sobbing for you - probably with you. This probably sounds stupid, but if you want me to drive down there and hold your hand for a day or a week or a month, I'll be there. Just say the word.

Prayers, yes, lots of prayers, but what else? This sucks. It's just not fair. I hate this for you. But God bless you, you are so amazing! And to write something so beautiful as a tribute to your baby boy. He had an amazing life, even if only for a few moments.

Melissa G said...

I am so, so sorry.

Courtney said...

Oh Amy! I am SO sorry that there arent even words.

((HUGS))) Your family is in my prayers.

Michelle said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish there was something to say that would make it all better. I am wishing you peace and sending you lots of hugs!!1

MHS said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Emmy said...

I'm SO sorry for your loss. Sending you strength to get through this crappy time.

Mrs Woggie said...

My heart is broken for you. It's not fair. Thinking and praying for you.

sarah said...

Amy, I am so completely heart broken for you and Forrest and Katie. I am so very sorry.

kelley said...

also here via Murgdan.
so very sorry for your loss.
sending <3

Another Julia said...

Here from Murgdan's blog, too.
I am so sorry about baby Jack. Sending you a hug, and hoping you find peace somehow.

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm also here from Murgdan's blog. I am so, so sorry about the loss of Jack. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Katie said...

I am so very sorry. Those words just don't seem like enough for such an amazing little boy. You, your husband, and your family will be in my prayers.

Suzy said...

I am so sorry for your loss of little Jack.

Our lives seriously detour from what we had planned when our little ones are taken. My heart is with you as you grieve the loss of your precious, tiny, perfect boy.

Melis.sa said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Jack. I will pray for you, your husband, and your daughter.

Michele said...

From LFCA... I have delivered 3 babies too preterm to survive and my eyes filled with tears reading your post. I'm thinking of you and sending prayers to your family.

Natalie said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. :(

Jem said...

Our mutual friend Murgden send me over. I'm stunned by your terrible loss. My heart goes out to you. I hope you feel enveloped by the love and support of all of us out here in cyberland.

Lost in Space said...

There are no words. Holding you all in my thoughts and prayers.

MMR said...

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family!!!

Dandle Dreams said...

Little Jack, his big sister and his parents are in my thoughts. I am so sorry for your loss.

pippasmum said...

I'm here from Murgdan, too. I can't imagine how hard this must be. I am praying for healing and comfort for you in this incredibly difficult time.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts; we also lost our daughter when she was born too early. You might not believe it right now, but you do get through it. You're in my prayers.

twondra said...

Oh my gosh, Amy. i'm soooo sorry! I have tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

Barbara said...

I'm here from LFCA to say that I am so very for your loss.

Wishing you peace.

xxx

AnnaMarie said...

I am so very very sorry to hear about the early delivery of your sweet boy. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

Here through LFCA

Leah said...

I am so sorry for your loss. :-(

Lynn said...

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. Sending many prayers and many hugs your way.

~LFCA~

N said...

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Aunt Becky said...

Sending thoughts of love to you and sweet baby Jack. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart hurts.

PJ said...

Nooooo! Oh Amy, I'm so incredibly sorry. I'm so very sad for you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kansas said...

I'm also here from Murgdan's blog.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet precious Jack. There are just no words.
I wish no one ever had to experience the loss of a child. It's just too horrific for words.
Thinking of you and your family and sending gentle (((hugs)))

Wendy said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I don't know you but my heart is breaking for you.

Amanda said...

I am so so sorry. I know that doesn't even begin to help, but it's all I know to say.

I'm thinking of you and your family and praying for you all.

SassyIfLady said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.

Mols said...

My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

loribeth said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry. :( I hope having a funeral gives you a little comfort.

Kate said...

My heart is breaking for you - I can't imagine your pain... You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kate said...

I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you. I know all to well what this is like - I lost my twins at 18 weeks in June. We've never talked (I'm here from Murdgan's blog), but if you need to please know I'm here and I understand this heartache. *big hugs*

Alexicographer said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Banana Pancakes said...

I am so very sorry to hear this terrible news. Prayers will be with you and your family for comfort and healing.

Jamie said...

Oh, Amy. My heart is breaking for you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am sending you so much love right now.

Anonymous said...

Here from Murgdan's blog. I know words will never be enough, but I am so sorry.

You, your family and your little one are in my prayers.


Kelley

Photogrl said...

Also here from Murgan's blog...

I'm so sorry for you loss.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Tricia ( Your crazy New Mexico Friend) said...

Pack your bags and come to New Mexico. Come stay with me for a few days. Get out of there, get away from everything as soon as your feeling better. Seriously, book a flight, pack a bag, gas up the car if you have too. Come for a visit as soon as your feeling well enough.

Julia said...

Here from LFCA.

I am so sorry that your sweet Jack came too soon to make it, and that you now find yourself in this terrible place of grief.

Lindsey said...

Praying for you!! I am sorry you have had to endure this. Tragedy is often times unexplained, but I pray you find strength in the Lord. I understand completely the heartbreak of losing a "son".

Allison (Ali) said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your loss. I know too well that those words do no begin to cover the grief that you are feeling. I lost our daughter to IC (with no signs of labor)on 10/10 so I am barely 4 months out from my loss.

Please feel free to contact me via e-mail iamamommy@att.net or visit my blog.

I have learned little in the last 4 months, except that it helps to have others who have gone through what you are going through to talk to. Even my DH who is loving and supportive doesnt understand, although he tries.

pandadiaries said...

I'm so sorry for you loss! Sending prayers your way.

Marie W said...

Here from LFCA
I am sorry to hear about the passing of your sweet little boy. I too have been a victim of incompetent cervix. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. {HUGS}.

Brenda said...

I'm here via Murgdan. I am so very, very sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

cowgirltn said...

I am so sorry. Prayers for your road ahead.

myprettyones said...

Amy, there are no words to express how truly sorry I am for your loss. I cried when I read your post. My thoughts are with you and your family. I am wishing you peace in this difficult time. Many, many hugs.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Here from Murgdan's site. My words aren't enough, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you at the loss of your son. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this time of grief and sorrow.

c by the sea said...

i'm here from murgdan's blog and the blogoshere just letting you know i am thinking of you and your family during this earth shattering time.

kmina said...

I also came from Murgdan's blog.
I am absolutely shattered about this sad piece of news! Because I am 15 weeks now and I cannot find my words to tell you how much I wish this wasn't true and that your baby boy were safe and sound.
I am praying for you to find peace soon.

sara said...

I am so so sorry - I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Jack. May he live in your heart forever. I also hope you get some answers about your cervix in the future.
(((HUGS)))

finch said...

I am so sorry. This is a truely heartbreaking story.

Just Another Infertile Mother said...

Oh Amy! This is so tragic. I'm sorry doesn't say enough. I had this sense of dread as I was reading through your post but didn't want to believe what was coming. Of course you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristin said...

Oh God, I am so, so sorry. I can't even imagine the sorrow and devastation you are feeling. My prayers are with you.

Hillary said...

So sorry for your devastating, heartbreaking loss. Life is so unfair.

The Fluck Family said...

our hearts are with you.

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog, found you via Murgdan. Just wanted to express my sincere condolences.
Recently had a miscarriage at 7w. Can't imagine what you have gone thru. So sorry for your loss.

be said...

Oh, Amy...and I was so not expecting to hear this news as I read through your post. Bless you and your family as you go through this unbelievably trying time. We, too lost a little one, only earlier than your precious boy. You are in my prayers as much now as when you first posted your miracle. God bless you all.

(Erica) Rebel With.A.Cause said...

Here via Murgdan.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Hugs,
Erica

Suzanne Incognito said...

No words.

Just hugs.

::hugs::

thehuntformyfertility said...

here via murgdan's blog...so sorry to read of your loss...so unexpected and so so sad. remembering you and your perfect little boy in these difficult, horrendous days of finding your way in the midst of the devastating grief.

Cathy H. said...

I was referred here by my friend Jill M. and I just wanted to say that I'm soooo sorry for what you are going thru. I have 6 angel babies in heaven (though I wasn't as far along as your were) and my heart breaks for any woman who has EVER had to go through this. You and your family will be in my thoughts & prayers.

God Bless You,
Cathy

Geeks in Rome said...

I am so sorry. "Murgdan" sent me and I wanted to let you know I am so saddened by the loss of your child.

JC said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, so very sorry.

Pie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Lorraine said...

It is heartbreaking. I lost my last pregnancy at 17 weeks, and it was such a shock - you feel as if you're in the easy stretch, the safe second trimester.

I wish you all peace now, when it must be so hard to feel peaceful at all. My heart goes out to you.

Jen J. said...

Stopping over from Murgdan's blog. Just wanted to express how so very sorry I am to hear your horrible news. I will be praying for you & your family.

Word Nerd said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious Jack. Sending prayers.

zengirl said...

I just came over from Jill M's blog when I heard the sad news. I'm so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine also lost her baby at 16 weeks under the same circumstances. I hope you'll find peace and closure, and strength to carry on.

Me said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Sharon said...

Oh my God Amy!!!!! Im so very sorry for your loss!!!!!!!