Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiny Things

Thank you all so much for your comments, love, prayers, hope, sympathy, empathy, and cyber-hugs.  I know those are what have kept me going for the last 5 days.

We went back to work yesterday.  It was hard and I felt judged.  People kept saying to Forest, "I can't believe you guys are here already", making me feel like I am not grieving appropriately and according to their timetables.  Everyone pretty much ignored me - no one really said ANYTHING to me, so I mostly sat in my cube alone with fat alligator tears rolling down my cheeks while I made my best effort at working. And it was Forest's birthday.  My poor man.  It wasn't a very Happy Birthday at all.

I am still a mess, obviously, but I'm not ready to be anything else.  My heart cries in agony one minute, and the next I am incredulous that this even happened.  It seems surreal at times.

We are having a service for our sweet boy tomorrow morning.  I admit I have been a bit consumed by obsessed with fixated on Jack memorials, large and small.  Here is a bracelet I got on Wednesday so that I could always wear something that reminds me of Jack:

The pink crystals (sorta like June's birthstone) and "k" charm are for Katie and the "j" charm and purple crystals (for February's birthstone) are for Jack.  How silly is it that this little "j" makes my heart feel slightly better? Probably a lot silly.  But I would have wanted something like this after he was born no matter what, so, you know, it's working for me.

These are the things going into the little casket with Jack:

There's a picture of Forest and I from Las Vegas two weeks ago, the tiny sweet outfit they put him in at the hospital, with the tiny hat, and tiny booties, the M&M's we got to announce the pregnancy (they say "Coming Soon", "July 31, 2010", and "Baby Crawford" and some have a picture of Forest and I - they're pretty cute), a little crystal (Forest is a crystal-kind-of-guy), and a little lamb blanket.  I have creepily been carrying the lamb blanket around with me and snuggling with it at night for the last two days so that it will smell like my perfume.  I am creepy. I know. I don't care.

I asked Forest if he thought the tiny (12 inch long) casket is actually a sample the casket manufacturers make to show off the details of full-size caskets.  Like those little tents they have in the sporting goods aisle at Target.  At least he thought I was funny.  In a weird, morbid sort of way.

I also got a second, identical lamb blanket to keep.  At the embroidery store the girl behind the counter was young and cute and innocent and when I told her I wanted them to both say the same thing she said, "That's such a great idea! Because the babies get so attached to them and..." this is where I cut her off by bursting into tears and blurting out, "We lost our baby. And (sob) one is for the (sob) casket (sob) and one is (sob, sob sob...)."  They waived the "rush" fee and apologized profusely and (I think) tried to make us go away as quickly as possible.  They were done the following day and I think they are very sweet.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me.  Also much Googling "Incompetent Cervix", "Cerclage Success Rates", "FET Success Rates", etc...  And crying.  And hugging my awesome, supportive husband and my heart-broken daughter.

I have a follow-up appointment on Monday and I have a page full of questions to ask.  I will try to not be such a stranger (but we all know how that usually goes...)

Love to you all,


Sarah said...

Oh, are not creepy in any way shape or form! What you are, is a mother in mourning. I am so very sorry for the pain that you and your husband are enduring. I wish I could do or say something...

Please know, that all of you are in my thoughts.


Lindsey said...

Nothing you are doing is weird or creepy. Grief prompts us to do what makes us feel better. It is okay, and it is a definite loss of a sweet person and big dreams, and when that is taken away, we have to do what we have to do to get by. I am praying for you, and I hope you get the answers you need to be able to move on and heal. Give yourself time. There will be days where you feel like you are fine, and the next you will be as broken as ever. Just allow yourself to move through the process. Just know you have a fellow sister lifting you up, and I understand the feelings.

Jenn said...

You are amazing, not creepy. I will continue to hold you (and your family) in my thoughts.

twondra said...

Definitely nothing creepy sweetie. You're an amazing mother who is mourning her son.

I'm thinking of you sweetie. I'm amazed at how strong you are.


Alex and Jill said...

I can't even see my computer screen to type this...lots of tears being shed on your behalf. I'm so sorry. I know those words bring no comfort to you right now. I'm praying that you're able to cling to The Only One that can give peace and understanding during a time like this.


Jill M. said...

Ahhh, I'm so sorry you are having to not only face your own grief, but to also have to deal with the way you were treated at work. I'm sure they just didn't know what to say, but that is definitely hard to swallow.

Your little items in memory of Jack are precious. The little hat and thought of a 12" casket made me tear up. No mother should have to bury her child, this is just so devastating.


Allison (Ali) said...

You are not creepy at all. My sister-in-law had a blanket made with Cadynce's name on it and I slept with it for weeks (still do occassionally truth be told).

I went back to work after a week, I probably should have taken longer, but I was losing my mind sitting at home thinking about it all day.

We had Cadynce cremated so that she would always be with us, and we were out of state when we had her and the laws were different there.

There is nothing wrong in the grieving process. Everyone handles it diffrently. The bracelet you got is beautiful. I got a tattoo and a ring with the Feb birthstone.

'Murgdan' said...

I have seen or read nothing creepy here. I hope you please do know that. The bracelet is beautiful and I hope the service was beautiful as well. Take all the time you need and do whatever is right for you...

thinking of you.

Courtney said...

I don't think you are creepy! I think that all of your ideas are a wonderful way to cope, grieve, and feel that you are with him.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Know that I am praying for you all. (((HUGS)))

Jolene said...

I don't know you but stumbled across your blog and just wanted to say I am truly sorry for your loss!I love the idea of the matching blankets and don't think your creepy at all! Everyone mourns in their own way and you need to do whatever it takes to get you through the hard days ahead! HUGS