We went back to work yesterday. It was hard and I felt judged. People kept saying to Forest, "I can't believe you guys are here already", making me feel like I am not grieving appropriately and according to their timetables. Everyone pretty much ignored me - no one really said ANYTHING to me, so I mostly sat in my cube alone with fat alligator tears rolling down my cheeks while I made my best effort at working. And it was Forest's birthday. My poor man. It wasn't a very Happy Birthday at all.
I am still a mess, obviously, but I'm not ready to be anything else. My heart cries in agony one minute, and the next I am incredulous that this even happened. It seems surreal at times.
We are having a service for our sweet boy tomorrow morning. I admit I have been a bit consumed by obsessed with fixated on Jack memorials, large and small. Here is a bracelet I got on Wednesday so that I could always wear something that reminds me of Jack:
The pink crystals (sorta like June's birthstone) and "k" charm are for Katie and the "j" charm and purple crystals (for February's birthstone) are for Jack. How silly is it that this little "j" makes my heart feel slightly better? Probably a lot silly. But I would have wanted something like this after he was born no matter what, so, you know, it's working for me.
These are the things going into the little casket with Jack:
There's a picture of Forest and I from Las Vegas two weeks ago, the tiny sweet outfit they put him in at the hospital, with the tiny hat, and tiny booties, the M&M's we got to announce the pregnancy (they say "Coming Soon", "July 31, 2010", and "Baby Crawford" and some have a picture of Forest and I - they're pretty cute), a little crystal (Forest is a crystal-kind-of-guy), and a little lamb blanket. I have creepily been carrying the lamb blanket around with me and snuggling with it at night for the last two days so that it will smell like my perfume. I am creepy. I know. I don't care.
I asked Forest if he thought the tiny (12 inch long) casket is actually a sample the casket manufacturers make to show off the details of full-size caskets. Like those little tents they have in the sporting goods aisle at Target. At least he thought I was funny. In a weird, morbid sort of way.
I also got a second, identical lamb blanket to keep. At the embroidery store the girl behind the counter was young and cute and innocent and when I told her I wanted them to both say the same thing she said, "That's such a great idea! Because the babies get so attached to them and..." this is where I cut her off by bursting into tears and blurting out, "We lost our baby. And (sob) one is for the (sob) casket (sob) and one is (sob, sob sob...)." They waived the "rush" fee and apologized profusely and (I think) tried to make us go away as quickly as possible. They were done the following day and I think they are very sweet.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Also much Googling "Incompetent Cervix", "Cerclage Success Rates", "FET Success Rates", etc... And crying. And hugging my awesome, supportive husband and my heart-broken daughter.
I have a follow-up appointment on Monday and I have a page full of questions to ask. I will try to not be such a stranger (but we all know how that usually goes...)
Love to you all,