Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Monday, February 22, 2010

Baby Steps

Thank you for your comments assuring me that I am not creepy.  I know I should just do what makes me feel better, but when I type it out and send it into the internet, I worry that it comes off a bit wonky.  Oh well.  Wonky is to be expected, I suppose.

It's only been 8 days since we lost Jack.  I'm still pretty weepy, but I am definitely compartmentalizing.  I am generally very good at compartmentalizing, so it's not surprising that I'm doing it now.  At work, I can generally be my funny self.  I am blessed to have a few co-workers who think I am hi.lar.i.ous.  Around them, it's hard not to crack jokes and be silly.  At home it's harder.  Driving in the car by myself, left to my own thoughts, the tears flow pretty freely.

The service on Saturday was very nice but very heart-wrenching.  It was nice to have the people who would have loved being with Jack there to say goodbye to him and to give us hugs.  I have never found hugs (real and cyber) to be so comforting before.  This last week I have been seeking out hugs.  My first day back at work - when everyone was ignoring me - I went into my former boss' office to demand a hug.  He is very huggy.  He told me to come back any time, so I told him I'd be back in 15 minutes :)

I had a follow-up appointment with my OB/GYN today.  She talked a lot about making sure that I don't cross the line from sad & mourning to full-blown depression.  She told Forest things to watch out for and told me I should watch out for him as well, because everyone thinks of how hard this is for the mom, but he lost his baby too :(.  She said that, should we get pregnant again, she would have me see a perinatologist/maternal-fetal-medicine specialist to be followed for my pathetic incompetent cervix, plus management of the MTHFR mutation (i.e., to Lovenox or not to Lovenox - a topic on which my OB disagrees with my RE).  She wants to see me in another 8 weeks to make sure I'm not depressed and just to touch base before I go back to the RE.

Speaking of the RE, I e-mailed the office to let them know what happened and to see how long they would recommend waiting before trying an FET.  They said to call them when I start my period next and I can get into one of the upcoming "cycles".

I also went back to Weight Watchers tonight. AND - Forest joined too.  He is a very supportive, wonderful husband (without whom I don't think I could possibly make it through any of this) and I am very happy that he has agreed to do this with me.  I am working to lose 15-20 pounds in the next few months before the FET cycle.

So, compartmentalizing...a wee bit of peace from giving Jack's little self a resting place...collecting hugs...formulating a tentative plan...losing a bit of weight...those are my baby steps.  Wish me luck!


twondra said...

I'm so glad the service was wonderful and glad you have been able to rely on friends. We're always here for you sweetie! (((HUGS))) Praying for you!

Courtney said...

Here's a big (((HUG))).

Baby steps are good.

I am glad you feel more comforted in giving him a place to rest and giving yourself the freedom to feel anyway you want.

Praying for your family.

be said...

It's good that you had some closure and are looking forward...and I can say from experience that baby steps are the only way to go! Sending cyber-hugs and prayers your way.

Jill M. said...

I can't imagine having to go through that service, glad to hear it went well, but I know it was devastating. Sending you some hugs for that.

I too have MTHFR, so far baby aspirin and extra folic acid has done the trick. Have you had your homocysteine levels checked? Apparently if it is normal, the MTHFR isn't negatively affecting you. Check out Carlson Tri-B on It helps maintain normal homocysteine levels and contains pretty much the same ingredients as prescriptions like Folgard.

Best of luck to you on you weight loss, that is awesome that hubby is going to do it with you. Sounds like an FET isn't far away for you, I bet that is exciting but very bittersweet. Whatever route you take, I'll be rooting you on and sending lots of hugs.

lis said...

im so glad you found some of the elusive peace that people are always talking about. im glad the service went well and sending you hugs today. i know how hard it is to get through those quiet moments.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I've been thinking of you early day. Baby steps ARE good and I am amazed by your strength. I can't wait to celebrate with you as you move forward.

Sarah said...

I'm sending you the biggest bear hug a 5'2" munchkin can muster!


Jennifer said...

To say you are amazing is an understatement. You are just the most amazing-est-est person I've never met, but have been so blessed to know. I love you!!!!

I am thinking of you and praying for you and sending you love and hugs.

Someday, I must meet you, so I can be in the presence of one of the most eloquent, amazing mommies ever.

You rock. And I'm thinking of stalking you. (Ok, that's a joke. Don't call the FBI.)

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

just wanted to say that I was thinking of you today.... Hugs!

Misty from wte said...


There is nothing original I can say. I am crying for you...literally. I am so sorry, and absolutely think whatever it takes to make you feel better right now you should do. I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

Katie C. said...

Amy - I have no words...just hugs and thoughts and prayers for all of you. I was checking in on you for a while then lost touch. My heart is aching...this is not how I wanted to re-acquaint myself with your life now.
I can't imagine. But it sounds like you're finding your way through this. Please, take care! Love, Katie (from WTE)

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog and my heart broke for you. I can't imagine how difficult this experience must be. I lost my first pregnancy at 10 weeks and was devestated. I can't even fathom how difficult it would have been to lose yours when you did.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

MK said...

Just stumbled across your blog. I'm so sorry you are my people. Do you read

She might give you some hope.

Alex and Jill said...

You have been in my thoughts and prayers a lot lately. My heart just hurts for you and your husband. Wish I could give you one in person, but this will have to do...((HUG)).

Continuing to pray.


Sarah said...

Hi, lovie. Just stopping in to see how you guys are doing...


Lloyd said...

Just happened onto your blog. So sorry about lossing your son Jack. May our Lord give you the peace that only He can give. God bless, Lloyd