Baby Steps

Thank you for your comments assuring me that I am not creepy.  I know I should just do what makes me feel better, but when I type it out and send it into the internet, I worry that it comes off a bit wonky.  Oh well.  Wonky is to be expected, I suppose.


It's only been 8 days since we lost Jack.  I'm still pretty weepy, but I am definitely compartmentalizing.  I am generally very good at compartmentalizing, so it's not surprising that I'm doing it now.  At work, I can generally be my funny self.  I am blessed to have a few co-workers who think I am hi.lar.i.ous.  Around them, it's hard not to crack jokes and be silly.  At home it's harder.  Driving in the car by myself, left to my own thoughts, the tears flow pretty freely.


The service on Saturday was very nice but very heart-wrenching.  It was nice to have the people who would have loved being with Jack there to say goodbye to him and to give us hugs.  I have never found hugs (real and cyber) to be so comforting before.  This last week I have been seeking out hugs.  My first day back at work - when everyone was ignoring me - I went into my former boss' office to demand a hug.  He is very huggy.  He told me to come back any time, so I told him I'd be back in 15 minutes :)


I had a follow-up appointment with my OB/GYN today.  She talked a lot about making sure that I don't cross the line from sad & mourning to full-blown depression.  She told Forest things to watch out for and told me I should watch out for him as well, because everyone thinks of how hard this is for the mom, but he lost his baby too :(.  She said that, should we get pregnant again, she would have me see a perinatologist/maternal-fetal-medicine specialist to be followed for my pathetic incompetent cervix, plus management of the MTHFR mutation (i.e., to Lovenox or not to Lovenox - a topic on which my OB disagrees with my RE).  She wants to see me in another 8 weeks to make sure I'm not depressed and just to touch base before I go back to the RE.


Speaking of the RE, I e-mailed the office to let them know what happened and to see how long they would recommend waiting before trying an FET.  They said to call them when I start my period next and I can get into one of the upcoming "cycles".


I also went back to Weight Watchers tonight. AND - Forest joined too.  He is a very supportive, wonderful husband (without whom I don't think I could possibly make it through any of this) and I am very happy that he has agreed to do this with me.  I am working to lose 15-20 pounds in the next few months before the FET cycle.


So, compartmentalizing...a wee bit of peace from giving Jack's little self a resting place...collecting hugs...formulating a tentative plan...losing a bit of weight...those are my baby steps.  Wish me luck!