17w3d: I'm home

I should feel relieved, right? After the nightmare of last Sunday, I should be on top of the world, yes?  And, of course I am...for the most part.  I told Forest I felt like we were walking through the depths of Hell and got snatched out and I still can't catch my breath.  


Thank you all for your comments and prayers and hugs. I hate that so many of us know what this terror is like.


I was basically incredulous when the peri told me on Monday that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured. I thought he was crazy.  I told him there was A LOT of fluid and he said, "I believe you" but I don't think he did.  My OB said maybe I peed and didn't realize it.  Uh, NO - I'm quite certain I didn't.  But the medical professionals seem content to leave the fluid an unsolved mystery.  And I didn't have any more leaking in the hospital and the fluid levels around both babes continued to be stable all week.


And then they sent me home. And now I am terrified.  The peri on Friday said that the hematoma puts me at increased risk for ruptured membranes down the road and my OB said that the part of Zoe's placenta in front of the bleed is now non-functioning and they'll have to monitor her for IUGR.  Those two risks have me pretty much freaking out.


How does one relax in this situation? Or should I just get used to this state of sadness and anxiety that we're still 6 weeks and 4 days from the raw edge of viability?


As I attempt to think positively, I am picking out "Coming Home" outfits for the babies.  It's so much easier to find adorable things for girls.  Where do I find the boy equivalent to this sweet jumper?

I am just trying to focus on how much I love these precious ones and cherish every moment I have with them.  Here's a shot of Egan from yesterday's scan. I think he looks like his daddy. Forest says it's the haircut ;)

Much love to you all!

Pretty Scary

Sooooo....just a few days after my "so different" post, things started to seem very familiar - and not in a good way.


Sunday evening I was lying on the couch when I felt a little fluid leaking - I went to the bathroom and there was blood.  I was concerned, of course, but not freaking out, because they had seen a subchorionic hematoma on the ultrasound since our week 10 scan.  


I went to the other room to get my phone to call the doctor when I started leaking a lot of fluid.  I started crying and told Forest my water broke. We were in shock - incredulous - my cervix was <4 cm long and closed last Tuesday! How could this happen??!!?!?


We went to the closest hospital and called my doctor's exchange on the way and told them my water broke.  She called back immediately and said she was calling the hospital and telling them to admit me right to L&D.


They put me on a stretcher and took me up to L&D.  There was a large pool of clear fluid on the stretcher.  When my doctor arrived she examined me and there was a lot of horrible, awful looking blood.  She said she couldn't see my cervix and she said that was good, because it meant nothing had progressed very far down the birth canal, but she didn't want to be poking around in there anymore.


They brought in a bedside ultrasound machine.  Both babies were kicking and squirming and appeared to have normal fluid levels.  She said it was a good sign that Baby A was fully visible on ultrasound, in a transverse lie - she had not entered the birth canal at all.  She said that they'd have the perinatologist evaluate me Monday morning and that it is theoretically possible to be on bed rest for many, many weeks - even ruptured - to reach viability.  We had zero hope before she got there, but with those positive findings, we had some hope to hold on to.


Monday's ultrasound revealed normal fluid levels around both babies.  They looked at my cervix with the abdominal ultrasound and said that, while they couldn't get exact measurements without a transvaginal ultrasound (which they didn't want to do because it might exacerbate the bleeding), my cervix appeared long and closed. He said that it "definitely isn't wide open".  The only part of that exam that was disturbing was that Baby A had moved "head down" and that made me upset - I felt like she was getting ready for birth.  But everyone else just said that it was a good sign, because they move around all the time, and that if she had lost too much fluid, she wouldn't be able to move at all.  The peri said that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured and he said that "we might all be looking back on this as just a very scary day".


They told me to sit tight in the hospital until Wednesday and then, if the bleeding stopped, I'd have another scan, including a transvaginal evaluation of my cervix.


Yesterday's scan was even better. Zoe had moved back to a transverse lie (no longer head down) and the fluid still looked normal. I had no leaking and the bleeding was very light and was just old stuff.  The transvag showed that my cervix is still completely closed and long.


I think the peri was ready to send me home yesterday, but my doctor wants me to stay here until at least tomorrow, when I'll get another ultrasound and make sure everything is stable.  


They might do a procedure kind of like an amniocentesis where they inject blue dye into Baby A's sac and then put a tampon in and see if it turns blue.  Niiiiice. I'm thinking that they will decide not to do that since the leaking has stopped completely.


So, apparently, the fluid was all with the hematoma, which finally reached a critical mass on Sunday and broke free.  It is showing as being much smaller on ultrasound yesterday vs. Monday.


I am on bedrest for now.  My doctor said we'd come up with a "long-term plan" after tomorrow's scan.


Unbelievable. And the scariest thing I've ever been through.


We are so, unbelievably, happy and feel so blessed that our babies are still with us and appear to be totally fine.


What a week!

So Different

It really does seem completely different this time around. 

With Jack, I remember looking at myself in the mirror the morning of 16w0d.  We were in a hotel room in Springfield, MO, getting ready to go to the university for Katie's dance competition. I wore my maternity "Pom Mom" sweater that Katie had embroidered for me for Christmas.  I asked Forest if he thought I looked pregnant yet or still just chubby.  He (of course) said that I looked totally pregnant and he read me the "What to Expect" iPhone update for 16 weeks, as he had each Saturday since downloading the app.  I looked in the mirror and I felt worried.  I guess part of me knew all along that my sweet baby wasn't meant to come home with us.  I never felt confident in the pregnancy - it all seemed sort of surreal and kind of disconnected.

I still sometimes can't believe the rest of the events that unfolded that day actually happened to me.  It was so horrible and painful. And, at the same time, it was like I was floating above myself - or maybe I was off to the side somewhere. Part of me wasn't connected to my body or my mind. Part of me knew it was going to happen, I guess.  When my water broke in the ER I looked at Forest and said, "It's over".  He was in shock.  He just kept shaking his head and saying, "I can't believe this is real."  I'll never forget the look on his face. I'm sure the look on mine was more resigned. I knew there was no hope for my baby once my water broke.

I cursed myself for feeling like I would've been "disappointed" finding out for sure that Jack was a boy.  I always "felt" like he was a he from the time I saw the + sign on the HPT (and maybe even before that).  Even though I didn't feel right "wanting" a girl, I couldn't help it and I was trying to prepare myself to not be disappointed.  But, of course, when it came down to it, I really just wanted my baby to live and I saw - all at once - that I did want a boy. I wanted that boy. I wanted my boy.

Anyway, far too many of you know exactly what those emotions are like - I cannot put words around it as well as others can. For those who don't know what it's like, I hope you never do.

But, like I said, this time feels competely different.  This time, at 16 weeks, I don't care if I "look" pregnant or just chubby. I know it's real. I've seen my babies on ultrasound now 8 times.  The ultrasounds haven't been disconcerting since the 4th time, once they were finally measuring the same size as each other.  I have been reassured that my cervix is not actually incompetent - it hasn't budged and is still >4 cm, curved, and closed.  There is even a fair amount of uterus (about 3 cm) above my cervix before we even get to Miss Zoe (that's Baby C1's real name).  Yesterday the peri (who is awesome) was looking at my chart with me and he saw that I wrote this was my 3rd pregnancy.  He asked how far along I was when I delivered Katie. I said, "40 weeks, 3 days."  He said that he is giving a talk just next week about the difference in risk for a woman who has delivered full term and has also had a PTB (pre-term birth) vs. a woman who has had a PTB without a full term delivery.  Basically, he feels like my risk is dramatically lower given the full term delivery and my currently confirmed long cervix. I said, "So what happened last time, then?"  He said that, obviously, we'll never know, but he would highly suspect an infection.  Poor cervix - I've been falsely accusing her.

In related news, as of yesterday's scan, we are 90% sure it's a boy and a girl. Perfect.

ETA: I only told you one name, above, so: our baby girl is Zoe Ruth and our baby boy is Egan Mitchell :) 

14w6d: It's All Good

I had another MFM appointment today at lunchtime. My cervix measured >6 cm, which is lovely. I asked the peri if it was the longest cervix he'd ever seen and he said it was.  He also thought maybe the tech had measured a bit more than cervix and it might be overstated a bit, but he thought it looked really, really good. He is having me come back next Tuesday (15w6d) just to put my mind at ease since we lost Jack at 16w0d and he imagines I will be anxious next week. How cool is that?

We got extra peeks at the babes too! There was an OB resident there so they were all, "Do you mind if he takes a look for a few minutes?" I was like "Not at all. Does anyone ever say 'no' to that?" 

The ultrasound tech registered her educated guess on the babies' genders.  With the standard disclaimers that it's really early and that these are just guesses, she said it looks like Baby A (a.k.a. Baby C1) is a girl and that Baby B (a.k.a. Baby C2) is a boy. This is the opposite of what I have been thinking, so I have decided that they just switched places over the last 2 weeks ;)

So, the news really couldn't be better. And for that we are very relieved and very thankful.  Overall, a happy day!

13 weeks: Did You Miss Me?

So did I seriously wait 3 weeks since my last post?!?!? Yep, I believe I did!


Well, yesterday we had another MFM appointment...and everything looked wonderful.  Baby C2 (or "Baby B" as they call her) had a nuchal translucency of 1.4 and Baby C1 ("Baby A") measured 1.8.  Apparently a measurement between 1 and 2 is what we want to see, so those numbers are perfect!


They both had brains, 4-chambered hearts, 2 arms and 2 legs each, and were very wiggly. Awesome.


And, I got to see this mysterious cervix of mine. It measured 4.0 cm! And was completely closed. So that is wonderful, wonderful news.  I go back to the MFM in 2 weeks for another cervix check but the doctor said that the measurements don't get any better than what mine was, so I should relax for the next 2 weeks if I can.  How awesome is that?


I am finished with Calculus and I got an A! YAY!!!! Now I am on to Physics II and my writing course called "Practical Criticism".  A couple more As would certainly be nice for the ol' GPA!


Sorry for the short post, but some update is better than none, right?


Hugs to you all!
Amy

10 Weeks: Good News

I had my appointment with the MFM yesterday afternoon. It took 2 1/2 hours! The place was PACKED. Apparently there are a lot of high risk pregnancies to follow in St. Louis.

I had a long ultrasound.  The babies looked awesome. They were very wiggly.  Baby C1 even kicked his leg out one time. It was the cutest.thing.ever. The babies are now within 1 day of each other: Baby C1 measured 9w1d and had a heart rate of 176 and Baby C2 measured 9w0d and had a heart rate of 180.  I am very, very relieved at this point!

Note: the pictures below are not the greatest because I scanned them at work (not the best quality scanner for pics!!!!)

Baby C1

Baby C2

Don't they look more like identical twins now?!?!?!?! ;)

The MFM didn't seem to grasp why I was there. She seemed to think I was only being evaluated because the babies were measuring differently.  She was starting to sound like they had no reason to see me again now that they're the same size. She asked, "Did your OB suggest that she wanted you to be sen here serially?" I said, "Actually, I'm here because I had a loss in February at 16 weeks due to a possible incompetent cervix..." then she started nodding her head condescendingly like "Oh yeah, I know all about that, you fool" which she TOTALLY DIDN'T. So then she patronizingly explained that it is too soon to evaluate my cervix, because: "at this point your cervix just blends in with your utereus"  She actually said that last bit while looking directly at Forest. Erm, he doesn't have a cervix. (I'm just being overly-critical, I know, I know). So, I'm to go back in 3 weeks for an hour long ultrasound where they will measure my cervix in excruciating detail (yay!).

I am learning that you definitely have to manage your own care.  It was like the MFM Hut in there. It would not have surprised me to see a "Now Serving" sign like the deli at the grocery store.

Next up: Regular OB appointment next Wednesday (8/11) at 11 weeks!

Also, Calculus is OVER tonight! The final is at 5:30. I will soon be free from Calculus FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that would be assuming I don't have to actually apply my mad Calculus skills in Physics II next semester...maybe not a reasonable assumption?).

8w2d: Ultrasound #3 - Now With Pictures

First of all, thank you so much for all of your comments and support. You guys are the awesomest!


We just got home from my 3rd ultrasound - the first one with my regular OB.  

The good news: both babies have great heartbeats.  Baby C1's is 158 and Baby C2's is 155.  Both sacs look great. They're very round - apparently a "banana shape" is a bad thing, and we don't have that. Baby C1 measured 8w0d and looked huge.


The not-as-good news: Baby C2 is even more behind now, measuring 7w2d.  Dr. S is not concerned. She said that they don't get concerned unless they measure more than a week apart. Baby C2 is just in a super awkward position, they say.  It's like she's at a 90 degree angle to Baby C1 and it seems like they're always looking at her from the end.


So, I'm still worried. Of course.


Next up: see an MFM. They are supposed to call me by Tuesday and set up an appointment.  If they don't schedule something for the week of August 2nd, I can go back to Dr. S for another ultrasound that week.


On my referral to the MFM, Dr. S wrote 4 risk factors:

1. IVF - twins
2. History of pre-ecclampsia at delivery
3. History of delivery at 16 weeks after premature rupture of membranes, possible incompetent cervix?
4. MTHFR - homozygous

So, we'll see how the MFM wants to handle all of that.  To cerclage or not to cerclage?  

Once again, time will tell. Ugh. Waiting. Not my strong suit!

Worry

I am worried about Baby C2.  I know it's dumb. I don't have any more reason to worry today than I did on Friday, but the doubt has creeped into my happy thoughts nonetheless.  I am trying to keep those "positive thoughts only" going strong, but, for some reason no apparent reason, today I don't feel so optimistic about little C2.

It may be because Katie has started telling people IRL that we're having twins. This makes me wish we'd waited to even tell her for a few more weeks until we could see how little C2 is doing.  Katie has actually been a huge proponent of waiting to tell people.  With Jack she chastised me for telling people so soon. But this time, most of the people IRL who know (16 at last count) she told.  I got an e-mail from the mom of one of her friends congratulating me and offering prayers. Of course the prayers are welcomed and very thoughtful, but I'm just not ready for the word to be spreading like this. 

All of the moms on her dance team are bound to know within short order and I don't feel comfortable with that. I think this is because they were all at the dance competition where we lost Jack. The next week, the Coach asked Katie what they could do/make for us and Katie told them that I love desserts (which is, uhhhh, true enough and all...). The Thursday after the miscarriage the girls were performing at a basketball game.  Forest had class that night, so I was there by myself and no one sat by me.  At one point I almost started crying in the bleachers (or, I probably actually did start crying in the bleachers, now that I think about it) and I felt like an outcast.  After the girls perform at halftime, the dance team moms generally make their way to the auditorium where the girls have all of their stuff.  There is generally picture taking and merriment. As I was walking out of the gym, one of the moms (who I had never actually talked to before) said (extremely bluntly), "I can't believe you're here tonight."  Uhhhh. Okay. Sorry. I guess I should have just sent my daughter to the game alone!?!?!? I don't even remember what I said in response. Probably something like, "Yeah. It's hard" or some crap. So I walk into the hallway and the girls all run toward me, placing bags of brownies, cupcakes, and various other snack items in front of me.  It was very thoughtful and sweet, but also pretty overwhelming and awkward. I felt like all of the moms and the coaches were watching me intently, waiting to see me cry.  That whole time period was very hard, obviously. I guess I just have some lingering weird feelings about the dance team moms. I can just imagine the ripple of gossip that went through when the girls learned (and then told their moms) I was expecting Jack (there really aren't very many expectant mothers of Sophomores in high school...at least not at Katie's school!), and then when I lost him. And now I'm imagining the ripple of gossip again. It just makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why - they are generally nice people (except that one tacky, blunt one). I guess I just picture this round of news ("Katie's mom is having twins!") and then imagining the horribleness of a theoretical next round ("One of Katie's mom's babies died") and it just makes me feel sick. If that does happen, I definitely hope they don't bake me anymore Festive Condolence Cupcakes and shower me in other Grief Snacks, because that was weird.

Oh well. Well wishes should only make me feel better, not worse.  I hate feeling this way. I just want to enjoy Baby C1 and Baby C2 every second they are with us.  That's what I need to focus on.

Is it Friday yet?

Wanding 2.0 - The Graduationing

We just got home from the ultrasound.  I'm 7w2d. 


Baby C1 was front and center with a great, strong heartbeat (132 bpm), looking all perfect, measuring 7w1d and generally showing off his awesomeness (yes, that's right, we've decided Baby C1 is a boy).


Baby C2 continued to make her mommy worry (we predict Baby C2 is a girl).  While her heartbeat is pretty much just as perfect as Baby C1's (at 129 bpm), she remained out of focus! And she measured 6w5d.  Dr. A said that if we didn't have Baby C1 sitting right there to compare her to, we would think Baby C2 looked great.  But it was pretty clear that Dr. A is concerned about C2, saying things like, "time will tell, of course" so I have to have a little bit of apprehension.  Right now it's at a low level, though.


I am now released from the RE and am off all restrictions.  Next up is my first appointment with the regular OB, Dr. S, next Friday (7/23).  Then I'll be getting a referral to an MFM specialist. I am looking forward to seeing the babies again next week. Hopefully Baby C2 will do something reassuring by then (like grow 3 extra days-worth or so). 


So, it's all good news (right?)! YAY!!!

Results of the Wanding (Sort Of)

We saw two sacs:

As you can see, there is clearly a sweet little baby in the left-hand sac.  It had a cute little heartbeat too.  The other sac would not come into focus.  He tried, but he said it was as far away as it could possibly be and he just couldn't see it clearly.  In one view we could tell there was definitely a yolk sac in there and he was pretty sure he saw a baby, but it was so out of focus there was no way to see a heartbeat or lack thereof.  He said the sac looks good - it is the same size as the the other sac and there is not really a reason to think there's not a baby, but it just wasn't aligned properly.


So, we are pretty sure there are two Baby C's in there, but we won't know for sure for 8 long days.  Next ultrasound is next Friday (7/16) at 2:10 pm.  Weekly ultrasounds are very, very nice...but I suck at waiting!!!!!


We are off to celebrate at a new (to us) pizzeria called Pi (clever, eh?). I am so, so happy. And I will be even happier once we know for sure next Friday (only 8 more sleeps!). Until then it's positive thoughts only for Baby C1 and Baby C2!