Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Voices in my head

Q) Why does God hate me? 
A) Because you've made a lot of really bad choices in your life and haven't been living a life you should be proud of. You are being punished for your wrong choices. If you had stayed with your first husband (he of SUPER sperm, who can knock anyone up in a single bound, as is evidenced by his three children) you could have as many kids as you had wanted. If you had stayed with your second husband, instead of divorcing him practically immediately upon marrying him, you could have started this journey when you were 25 - not 30. 

But! (I reply) I didn't LOVE him! (or him). Why is it wrong to want to have a baby with someone I love so dearly and "right" to have a baby with someone I don't?


God doesn't hate you. He doesn't hate anyone. God is love.

Q) Then why doesn't God align the desires of our hearts more closely with what he is willing to bless us with?
A) Because we have free will.

Q) Why do we need free will when we really don't decide anything? It's not up to us. It's all up to him/fate/the universe/whatever. 
A) Because God wants us to remember that we aren't in control.

Q) So if God is in control, why does he let people get pregnant ALL THE TIME who don't want their kids? Abuse them? Neglect them? Or even abort them before they have a chance to abuse/neglect them? Why does he bless these people and not those of us aching for a child? Why couldn't God send me the baby that a friend of a friend of mine aborted a few months ago after getting pregnant by one of many guys she was sleeping with (while still married to her husband)? God had a perfectly good baby there - and apparently he was fine with giving it to someone who makes choices just as crappy as the ones I do - how come when deciding whether to give it to me or her, he chose her? 
A) ...(I don't know the answer to this one. "Sucks to be you" is about the best I can come up with).

And another thing! I doubt this whole explanation the bitch-ass RE gave yesterday (did I tell you that her response to so many of the eggs not being mature was, "So it looks like we have an egg problem in addition to a sperm problem and that could be what's causing you to not be able to get pregnant"?) is all that valid. If I have some FUNDAMENTAL inability to mature eggs, how do we explain the fact that I have actually participated in the whole procreation thing before? I hate her.


Anonymous said...

First off, God does NOT hate you! You are beautiful and wonderful and made in His own image. I realize right now you feel like "His own image" is someone who deserves to be pregnant and isn't. And you know what, you are SO right! It is completely unacceptable that people who don't want babies throw them away when people like you who desperately want children with their loving husbands are denied that opportunity again and again. It's just not fair.

I wish I had the answers for you. I do know that God loves you, and He's weaping with you right now. He's getting angry with you. He hates the fallen world, and He hates that you're suffering in it.

I still believe you will be a mommy again. I also believe you are the funniest angry writer I have ever read. Furthermore, I love you, and I will give you some of my eggs if you want them. :-D Ok, so that last part I'd probably have to talk over with the hubs, but you know what I'm saying.... I'd do anything for ya!!!!

Prayers and love to you!!!
Jen - a WTE sister

Courtney said...

I dont know the answer to your questions cause it would answer mine- like why can my students that are 12,13, 15, or 16 have a baby and those of us like ME waited until I got married and then again until we could afford them (like you ever really can) just cant seem to have one!

You are in my thoughts and prayers as that is ALL I can do! MUAH!

Sarah said...

You deserve to grow your family. PERIOD.


I think your RE might be a hoe, that's all.

Just Another Infertile said...

These are tough questions and ones that we all ask ourselves.

I was so upset to hear about your failed cycle. It does seem like the first thing the nurses (not so much the doctors I found) want to do is blame everything on you. I felt like a complete loser when I had to call back to schedule another IVF. The nurse was trying to dismiss me and make me go away because I was not going to be as easy as they thought. Make them work for their money. That's what I say.

Infertility sucks!

runicriter said...

Your voices must have come over from my voices.

I ache for you too.