Dare I hope?

I have been reading such wonderful news from so many of my fellow bloggers! Even though I am a pretty crummy blogger myself and a not much better commenter, I follow EACH of the blogs on my blogroll religiously.  

So many are currently in the TWW: Sharon, Dawn, Leslie, and Jill, ('tis the season for IVF, I guess!) and I am praying for positive outcomes for all 4 of these wonderful ladies.

We've gotten great news from Lea (of the two pink lines variety)! Cindy is preparing herself mentally and financially for her VERY QUICKLY APPROACHING IVF cycle! 

It's exciting times around here!

All this is making me feel...dare I say it?...hopeful during my own little non-medicated TWW over here.  I have reason to believe that I might, once again, have ovulated this cycle (although I'm still using reverse psychology on my ovaries: they are totally not reading this post) and I am allowing myself to be optimistic about my body's very own ability to do its thaaang.  I know this may all end in another meltdown a la last month, but, for now: I am in the TWW like a "normal girl" and I am lovin' it.  I might actually pee on a stick next Sunday...

Thank you for all of your support.  You guys are da bomb (in a good way...like a bomb of awesomeness).

ETA: Jill got her awesome, awesome BFP!!! YAY JILL & ALEX!!!!!

A few days from normal

I've decided that all I want now is to have normal cycles.  I'm over the whole "getting pregnant" part of having normal cycles - I just want to ovulate in the middle - that's all I want.  I swear. 

This past Monday I had a major (in)fertility meltdown.  I had been rolling along, trying to keep a positive attitude about the sack of lemons life has handed me.  I've been trying to get to that elusive "acceptance" stage.  Perhaps, I've been trying to use reverse psychology on my ovaries and tell them "I don't even WANT a baby! I want to keep sleeping in on the weekends and use my disposable income to travel, buy cute outfits, and spoil Katie.  So piss off, ovaries!" 

But, a couple of weeks ago, on Valentine's Day weekend, no less, I felt like I was (Shhhhh! Don't tell my ovaries) OVULATING.  Like, for serious, right there on CD 14.  So - not wanting to jinx it or anything, I continued telling my ovaries that I don't even want to be pregnant.  Then, last week, I started to have PMS SYMPTOMS! Can you believe that?!?!?! Like a normal girl!  I thought that on Monday I was actually going to start a new cycle.  Just TWENTY-EIGHT DAYS after the last one!!!!  I was so excited to have tender breasts and a BITCH.ASS.ATTITUDE. because it meant I was normal!

Of course, all of this normal-cycle-hope did me no good.  Monday came and went with no visit from my eagerly anticipated Aunt Flo.  Suddenly all of the emotions I've been pushing down, burying behind happy smiles and self-deprecating (but light-hearted) comments spewed out of my eyes and onto my pillow as I sobbed hysterically while my OBLIVIOUS husband tried to go to sleep. Ce n'est pas bon.  I started one of those knock-down, drag-out fights with Perfect (Sleepy) Husband wherein I kept leaving to sleep on the couch, then coming back, being hysterical, crying inconsolably, saying all manner of things I didn't mean, and generally being a hormonal be-yotch.  I just kept saying (read: sobbing, blubbering), over and over, "I just want to be normal".  It wasn't pretty.  Nor were my big, puffy eyelids all day on Tuesday.  Poor, sad, infertile, defective Amy!

But, miracle of miracles, Wednesday night I started spotting!  Official CD1 was Thursday, meaning that this past cycle was 31 days long.  And that's just a few days from normal, right?