5dp5dt: Wanna See My Ghost Line?

Well, I tested this morning...


...I tested yesterday morning too (at 4dp5dt) just to make sure the trigger shot was out of my system...which it was. 


For what purpose would one have a trigger shot during an FET?, you ask? My clinic says the hormonal environment should mimic an ovulatory cycle as much as possible.


I woke up around 5 am today and knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep without testing...so I did.  I promise there is the faintest, slightest, hint of a bordering-on-imaginary line.  Here is the picture Forest took, holding it up to the light: 

It's the + sign = BFP kind

Hmmmmmm....you can't see it? Even if you tilt your head? Even if you look at your screen at an angle? Well you'll just have to use your imagination, then!!!


Here it is in black & white with the color boosted by 9 times (that seems mutually exclusive, doesn't it? Well NOTHING is too hard for my MacBrook Pro):

How about now? You see it now, right? Right?


Okay, so I took this one at 5:00 pm. Can you see this one?

It's there...fo' sho - a bit more noticeable in person.  I can see it. It's my favorite one so far. :)


My first beta is tomorrow, but they don't typically provide the results of that one unless you ask, specifically, and it's not a STAT order, so they claim they don't get the results until the following day (which I happen to know is not true, depending on the time of day one has one's blood drawn, but I digress).  The second beta is Wednesday and they call with the results of that one.


Of course I will test tomorrow morning too, at which time I'm hoping to see a bit more line and a bit less ghost.  


I am still very optimistic - I figure negative thoughts don't do ANY good and, at least in my case, negative thoughts don't help prepare me for disappointment, should some be looming in my future. So it's positive thoughts only up in here!!!!


I am also very excited that I got to meet a friend from the Internets last night!  My friend Jen from the What to Expect When You're Expecting (WTE) board we used to post on came to vacation in St. Louis and she wanted to meet me!!!!!!!! We went to the Royale Dumpe - a 16th Century Dinner Theatre.  A fun time was had by all :)

So, uh, let me know, Jen, if you don't want me to post your picture on the Internet, and I'll take it down!!! :) But isn't she cute!?!??!? She wonderful and has such a sweet spirit. I am honored that she wanted to meet me. 


I feel very blessed to have "met" such wonderful ladies, like Jen, over these troubling years.  You are definitely infertility's silver lining!!! Love you all, MUAH!

FETs are Weird

I feel like this "cycle" has been going on forever. I think I started BCPs in April or something. And now it's June. And it's still TWO WEEKS till the transfer! Why does it need to take so long?


It's Silly.


My protocol was:

1. BCPs for-evah...
2. Add 10 units of Lupron for a couple of days...
3. Drop it down to 5 units of Lupron for awhile... 

I know this isn't exactly what you'd call informational, but I don't feel like getting off the couch and checking my calendar to make it accurate.  


So anyway, Lupron for awhile (plus Dexamethasone in the morning, for fun and energy) and then Monday we started these periodic "E2V" IM injections.  Do not ask me what that's for - I guess it's just to throw some estrogen in there to make my lining shiny since my ovaries are all suppressed and stuff, given the weeks and weeks of Lupron.  The first of these shots was Monday and the next one will be tomorrow evening.  Then I do another on Monday (the 7th) and on Thursday (the 10th).  Then I await further instructions. I imagine those instructions will involve the Z-pak and, at some point, the PIO in my cabinet and the Ovidrel in my refrigerator.


Transfer is tentatively set for Tuesday the 15th.  The only thing that could mess it up is if my lining acts weird.


I had a random transvag u/s yesterday. I guess it was just to make sure I didn't develop a giant cyst or polyp or something over the last month.  I told Dr. A our plan for the thaw:

1. Slow-thaw 2 (of 6) blasts the morning of 6/15.
2. If both survive, transfer them.
3. If they don't survive, quick-thaw 2 more and transfer those 2.

An ingenious plan, don't you think?  


But then he said, "What if only one survives? Do we still thaw 2 more?"


Drat! I hadn't thought of that! So, Forest and I talked about it and decided that, if only one survives, that is what we'll do: thaw 2 more and transfer all three. YIKES, right?  But I guess the chances for triplets in that situation are pretty slim.  Forest would seriously freak the heck out if we had triplets.  But surely he'd get used to it, right?


Anyway, I will now stop counting my blastocysts before they thaw.


I guess I think the FET is weird because it's so sloooowwwww. There's not as much to obsess over. No follicle counts, no exciting yet scary E2 numbers, no threat of OHSS, no hormone-fueled excursions into the crazy recesses of my mind, no fear that the eggs won't be mature, no fear that the eggs won't fertilize, no fear that the embryos will stop dividing.  Just thumb-twiddling mostly.  


But on the cool side, I am FET-ing at roughly the same time as IF blog royalty. And Cindy posted some totally nom-able pictures of her (for realz) seriously adorable baby, which makes the whole Internet happy :)


Also, Lis put it perfectly when she marveled at how cool it would be if her upcoming FET works and she brings home a baby from the same batch of blasts as his sisters.  That would be truly, truly cool indeed!  I hope that one of Jack's pack makes it into our arms too.


Cheers!
Amy

Hope

I just got the call.
Egg retrieval was yesterday.
23 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature. 13 fertilized.


I am relieved. 
They will check them again on Tuesday.
I can breathe now.

No need for hope

I "hope" I didn't keep anyone in too much suspense....of course I am not pregnant. And there's no AF...so my body has NOT decided to spontaneously fix itself and start ovulating like a good little body. So I guess my ovaries got wise to my reverse psychology and are showing me who the bosses are (them).

In other news...I have no other news. I just wanted to give a tiny shout out so that no one thought I was just too deliriously happy celebrating my BFP that I couldn't take time to post.

Dare I hope?

I have been reading such wonderful news from so many of my fellow bloggers! Even though I am a pretty crummy blogger myself and a not much better commenter, I follow EACH of the blogs on my blogroll religiously.  

So many are currently in the TWW: Sharon, Dawn, Leslie, and Jill, ('tis the season for IVF, I guess!) and I am praying for positive outcomes for all 4 of these wonderful ladies.

We've gotten great news from Lea (of the two pink lines variety)! Cindy is preparing herself mentally and financially for her VERY QUICKLY APPROACHING IVF cycle! 

It's exciting times around here!

All this is making me feel...dare I say it?...hopeful during my own little non-medicated TWW over here.  I have reason to believe that I might, once again, have ovulated this cycle (although I'm still using reverse psychology on my ovaries: they are totally not reading this post) and I am allowing myself to be optimistic about my body's very own ability to do its thaaang.  I know this may all end in another meltdown a la last month, but, for now: I am in the TWW like a "normal girl" and I am lovin' it.  I might actually pee on a stick next Sunday...

Thank you for all of your support.  You guys are da bomb (in a good way...like a bomb of awesomeness).

ETA: Jill got her awesome, awesome BFP!!! YAY JILL & ALEX!!!!!

A few days from normal

I've decided that all I want now is to have normal cycles.  I'm over the whole "getting pregnant" part of having normal cycles - I just want to ovulate in the middle - that's all I want.  I swear. 

This past Monday I had a major (in)fertility meltdown.  I had been rolling along, trying to keep a positive attitude about the sack of lemons life has handed me.  I've been trying to get to that elusive "acceptance" stage.  Perhaps, I've been trying to use reverse psychology on my ovaries and tell them "I don't even WANT a baby! I want to keep sleeping in on the weekends and use my disposable income to travel, buy cute outfits, and spoil Katie.  So piss off, ovaries!" 

But, a couple of weeks ago, on Valentine's Day weekend, no less, I felt like I was (Shhhhh! Don't tell my ovaries) OVULATING.  Like, for serious, right there on CD 14.  So - not wanting to jinx it or anything, I continued telling my ovaries that I don't even want to be pregnant.  Then, last week, I started to have PMS SYMPTOMS! Can you believe that?!?!?! Like a normal girl!  I thought that on Monday I was actually going to start a new cycle.  Just TWENTY-EIGHT DAYS after the last one!!!!  I was so excited to have tender breasts and a BITCH.ASS.ATTITUDE. because it meant I was normal!

Of course, all of this normal-cycle-hope did me no good.  Monday came and went with no visit from my eagerly anticipated Aunt Flo.  Suddenly all of the emotions I've been pushing down, burying behind happy smiles and self-deprecating (but light-hearted) comments spewed out of my eyes and onto my pillow as I sobbed hysterically while my OBLIVIOUS husband tried to go to sleep. Ce n'est pas bon.  I started one of those knock-down, drag-out fights with Perfect (Sleepy) Husband wherein I kept leaving to sleep on the couch, then coming back, being hysterical, crying inconsolably, saying all manner of things I didn't mean, and generally being a hormonal be-yotch.  I just kept saying (read: sobbing, blubbering), over and over, "I just want to be normal".  It wasn't pretty.  Nor were my big, puffy eyelids all day on Tuesday.  Poor, sad, infertile, defective Amy!

But, miracle of miracles, Wednesday night I started spotting!  Official CD1 was Thursday, meaning that this past cycle was 31 days long.  And that's just a few days from normal, right?