Thank you for your comments assuring me that I am not creepy. I know I should just do what makes me feel better, but when I type it out and send it into the internet, I worry that it comes off a bit wonky. Oh well. Wonky is to be expected, I suppose.
It's only been 8 days since we lost Jack. I'm still pretty weepy, but I am definitely compartmentalizing. I am generally very good at compartmentalizing, so it's not surprising that I'm doing it now. At work, I can generally be my funny self. I am blessed to have a few co-workers who think I am hi.lar.i.ous. Around them, it's hard not to crack jokes and be silly. At home it's harder. Driving in the car by myself, left to my own thoughts, the tears flow pretty freely.
The service on Saturday was very nice but very heart-wrenching. It was nice to have the people who would have loved being with Jack there to say goodbye to him and to give us hugs. I have never found hugs (real and cyber) to be so comforting before. This last week I have been seeking out hugs. My first day back at work - when everyone was ignoring me - I went into my former boss' office to demand a hug. He is very huggy. He told me to come back any time, so I told him I'd be back in 15 minutes :)
I had a follow-up appointment with my OB/GYN today. She talked a lot about making sure that I don't cross the line from sad & mourning to full-blown depression. She told Forest things to watch out for and told me I should watch out for him as well, because everyone thinks of how hard this is for the mom, but he lost his baby too :(. She said that, should we get pregnant again, she would have me see a perinatologist/maternal-fetal-medicine specialist to be followed for my pathetic incompetent cervix, plus management of the MTHFR mutation (i.e., to Lovenox or not to Lovenox - a topic on which my OB disagrees with my RE). She wants to see me in another 8 weeks to make sure I'm not depressed and just to touch base before I go back to the RE.
Speaking of the RE, I e-mailed the office to let them know what happened and to see how long they would recommend waiting before trying an FET. They said to call them when I start my period next and I can get into one of the upcoming "cycles".
I also went back to Weight Watchers tonight. AND - Forest joined too. He is a very supportive, wonderful husband (without whom I don't think I could possibly make it through any of this) and I am very happy that he has agreed to do this with me. I am working to lose 15-20 pounds in the next few months before the FET cycle.
So, compartmentalizing...a wee bit of peace from giving Jack's little self a resting place...collecting hugs...formulating a tentative plan...losing a bit of weight...those are my baby steps. Wish me luck!
Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tiny Things
Thank you all so much for your comments, love, prayers, hope, sympathy, empathy, and cyber-hugs. I know those are what have kept me going for the last 5 days.
We went back to work yesterday. It was hard and I felt judged. People kept saying to Forest, "I can't believe you guys are here already", making me feel like I am not grieving appropriately and according to their timetables. Everyone pretty much ignored me - no one really said ANYTHING to me, so I mostly sat in my cube alone with fat alligator tears rolling down my cheeks while I made my best effort at working. And it was Forest's birthday. My poor man. It wasn't a very Happy Birthday at all.
I am still a mess, obviously, but I'm not ready to be anything else. My heart cries in agony one minute, and the next I am incredulous that this even happened. It seems surreal at times.
The pink crystals (sorta like June's birthstone) and "k" charm are for Katie and the "j" charm and purple crystals (for February's birthstone) are for Jack. How silly is it that this little "j" makes my heart feel slightly better? Probably a lot silly. But I would have wanted something like this after he was born no matter what, so, you know, it's working for me.
These are the things going into the little casket with Jack:
There's a picture of Forest and I from Las Vegas two weeks ago, the tiny sweet outfit they put him in at the hospital, with the tiny hat, and tiny booties, the M&M's we got to announce the pregnancy (they say "Coming Soon", "July 31, 2010", and "Baby Crawford" and some have a picture of Forest and I - they're pretty cute), a little crystal (Forest is a crystal-kind-of-guy), and a little lamb blanket. I have creepily been carrying the lamb blanket around with me and snuggling with it at night for the last two days so that it will smell like my perfume. I am creepy. I know. I don't care.
I asked Forest if he thought the tiny (12 inch long) casket is actually a sample the casket manufacturers make to show off the details of full-size caskets. Like those little tents they have in the sporting goods aisle at Target. At least he thought I was funny. In a weird, morbid sort of way.
I also got a second, identical lamb blanket to keep. At the embroidery store the girl behind the counter was young and cute and innocent and when I told her I wanted them to both say the same thing she said, "That's such a great idea! Because the babies get so attached to them and..." this is where I cut her off by bursting into tears and blurting out, "We lost our baby. And (sob) one is for the (sob) casket (sob) and one is (sob, sob sob...)." They waived the "rush" fee and apologized profusely and (I think) tried to make us go away as quickly as possible. They were done the following day and I think they are very sweet.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Also much Googling "Incompetent Cervix", "Cerclage Success Rates", "FET Success Rates", etc... And crying. And hugging my awesome, supportive husband and my heart-broken daughter.
I have a follow-up appointment on Monday and I have a page full of questions to ask. I will try to not be such a stranger (but we all know how that usually goes...)
Love to you all,
Amy
We went back to work yesterday. It was hard and I felt judged. People kept saying to Forest, "I can't believe you guys are here already", making me feel like I am not grieving appropriately and according to their timetables. Everyone pretty much ignored me - no one really said ANYTHING to me, so I mostly sat in my cube alone with fat alligator tears rolling down my cheeks while I made my best effort at working. And it was Forest's birthday. My poor man. It wasn't a very Happy Birthday at all.
I am still a mess, obviously, but I'm not ready to be anything else. My heart cries in agony one minute, and the next I am incredulous that this even happened. It seems surreal at times.
We are having a service for our sweet boy tomorrow morning. I admit I have been a bit consumed by obsessed with fixated on Jack memorials, large and small. Here is a bracelet I got on Wednesday so that I could always wear something that reminds me of Jack:
The pink crystals (sorta like June's birthstone) and "k" charm are for Katie and the "j" charm and purple crystals (for February's birthstone) are for Jack. How silly is it that this little "j" makes my heart feel slightly better? Probably a lot silly. But I would have wanted something like this after he was born no matter what, so, you know, it's working for me.
These are the things going into the little casket with Jack:
There's a picture of Forest and I from Las Vegas two weeks ago, the tiny sweet outfit they put him in at the hospital, with the tiny hat, and tiny booties, the M&M's we got to announce the pregnancy (they say "Coming Soon", "July 31, 2010", and "Baby Crawford" and some have a picture of Forest and I - they're pretty cute), a little crystal (Forest is a crystal-kind-of-guy), and a little lamb blanket. I have creepily been carrying the lamb blanket around with me and snuggling with it at night for the last two days so that it will smell like my perfume. I am creepy. I know. I don't care.
I asked Forest if he thought the tiny (12 inch long) casket is actually a sample the casket manufacturers make to show off the details of full-size caskets. Like those little tents they have in the sporting goods aisle at Target. At least he thought I was funny. In a weird, morbid sort of way.
I also got a second, identical lamb blanket to keep. At the embroidery store the girl behind the counter was young and cute and innocent and when I told her I wanted them to both say the same thing she said, "That's such a great idea! Because the babies get so attached to them and..." this is where I cut her off by bursting into tears and blurting out, "We lost our baby. And (sob) one is for the (sob) casket (sob) and one is (sob, sob sob...)." They waived the "rush" fee and apologized profusely and (I think) tried to make us go away as quickly as possible. They were done the following day and I think they are very sweet.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Also much Googling "Incompetent Cervix", "Cerclage Success Rates", "FET Success Rates", etc... And crying. And hugging my awesome, supportive husband and my heart-broken daughter.
I have a follow-up appointment on Monday and I have a page full of questions to ask. I will try to not be such a stranger (but we all know how that usually goes...)
Love to you all,
Amy
Monday, February 15, 2010
Plans
Well, firstly I did not mean to wait 2 months before posting again.
I planned to tell you about the spotting I had 2 days after my first "normal pregnant lady appointment" and how scary it was. I planned to tell you that I called my doctor and she wasn't concerned - saying it was completely normal and it was probably because the cervix was irritated during the transvag ultrasound.
I planned to tell you about additional spotting on New Year's Eve and how I told Forest we couldn't have sex until my next appointment (in January). At that appointment, the doctor was again unconcerned, talking about how there is a lot of bloodflow to the cervix and, again, how very normal spotting is during early pregnancy.
I planned to tell you about the ultrasound we had that day where the baby was SUPER active and Forest started calling him "Squirmy", which was better than "Lumpy" - the name Forest gave him at our very first ultrasound where he looked like a little grain of rice.
I planned to apologize for not posting or commenting on blogs and plead that I was just sleepy in the evenings after work but that I was very much enjoying reading everyone's updates and was wishing everyone well. I just didn't feel like I had anything original to say. I was very worried about the pregnancy - in a way I never was when I was pregnant with my daughter. I tried to tell myself that it was just because I was so young when I was expecting her - I didn't know all about all of the things that could go wrong. But I couldn't shake the apprehension, no matter how much I told myself it is normal to worry, given everything we've been through.
I planned to tell you that I found out that my sweet friend Amanda is also expecting, due just FIVE DAYS after me and how we went to dinner and planned to meet at least each month and take pictures of our growing bellies.
I planned to tell you about my appointment last Wednesday, where we heard the heartbeat with the Doppler (no ultrasound at this one) and it was in the 140s. I planned to tell you about my continued feeling that the baby was a boy, which was planned to be confirmed at my next appointment on March 10th, where we would get the "big" ultrasound.
I planned to link to Murgdan's post about not wanting an epidural at delivery. I planned to agree with her 100% and throw in my story about how I had a bad experience with the epidural when I had Katie. I planned to go to childbirth classes and prepare for an unmedicated delivery.
I planned to bring my sweet baby home in July. I planned to kiss him and marvel over him and how tiny and perfect he was and to see if he had daddy's ears or if he had my toes. I planned to care for him, nurse him, wrap him in soft blankets, comfort him when he cried, to teach him and take home videos of his first time trying green beans, and crawling, and his first steps, and his first birthday and all the birthdays after that. I planned to ask him if he wanted to play soccer or take karate, or both, or something else.
But, none of that happened. On Saturday we went to Springfield, MO (about 3 hours away) to Katie's pom competition. At about 3 pm we were walking to the car after lunch and I hopped down from a tiny little wall (about 18 inches off the ground). I felt a weird sensation like something was in my vagina. When we got back to the competition I went to the bathroom and there was no blood or fluid and I couldn't feel anything in my vagina, but I didn't reach very far (too scared of what I'd find). I didn't feel anything further and there was no cramping or anything. Crazily, I thought maybe I was imagining things or that it was nothing serious.
At about 4:30 p.m., the competition was over and we started on our way out of Springfield. We stopped at Quiktrip to get drinks & snacks. I felt something again and went to the bathroom. I could feel a fluid sac at the opening of my vagina. We went to the hospital.
In the triage room of the ER, my water broke. I eventually went to L&D. The baby was still alive, but with my water broken at 16 weeks, there was nothing that could be done. I got an epidural (it was much better than last time). They started pitocin and I delivered my sweet baby boy at around 5:00 am. He was precious and perfect and tiny.
We are filled with love for him. He appeared to have my toes and my nose (of course that's ridiculous - as it was really too soon to tell), but his ears were too tiny to tell if they had Forest's attached earlobes or my unattached ones. They put him in a tiny outfit and took pictures of him. His name was Jack Cullen Crawford and we will love him forever.
I don't know when or why my cervix became incompetent. I wasn't in labor, so the doctor said it probably wasn't an infection.
Needless to say, we are devastated. My heart is in a million pieces and I barely know how I'll go back to work. I can hardly imagine the future without our baby.
His remains are at the funeral home and we're going to have a service and bury him with Forest's parents.
Please keep us in your prayers.
I planned to tell you about the spotting I had 2 days after my first "normal pregnant lady appointment" and how scary it was. I planned to tell you that I called my doctor and she wasn't concerned - saying it was completely normal and it was probably because the cervix was irritated during the transvag ultrasound.
I planned to tell you about additional spotting on New Year's Eve and how I told Forest we couldn't have sex until my next appointment (in January). At that appointment, the doctor was again unconcerned, talking about how there is a lot of bloodflow to the cervix and, again, how very normal spotting is during early pregnancy.
I planned to tell you about the ultrasound we had that day where the baby was SUPER active and Forest started calling him "Squirmy", which was better than "Lumpy" - the name Forest gave him at our very first ultrasound where he looked like a little grain of rice.
I planned to apologize for not posting or commenting on blogs and plead that I was just sleepy in the evenings after work but that I was very much enjoying reading everyone's updates and was wishing everyone well. I just didn't feel like I had anything original to say. I was very worried about the pregnancy - in a way I never was when I was pregnant with my daughter. I tried to tell myself that it was just because I was so young when I was expecting her - I didn't know all about all of the things that could go wrong. But I couldn't shake the apprehension, no matter how much I told myself it is normal to worry, given everything we've been through.
I planned to tell you that I found out that my sweet friend Amanda is also expecting, due just FIVE DAYS after me and how we went to dinner and planned to meet at least each month and take pictures of our growing bellies.
I planned to tell you about my appointment last Wednesday, where we heard the heartbeat with the Doppler (no ultrasound at this one) and it was in the 140s. I planned to tell you about my continued feeling that the baby was a boy, which was planned to be confirmed at my next appointment on March 10th, where we would get the "big" ultrasound.
I planned to link to Murgdan's post about not wanting an epidural at delivery. I planned to agree with her 100% and throw in my story about how I had a bad experience with the epidural when I had Katie. I planned to go to childbirth classes and prepare for an unmedicated delivery.
I planned to bring my sweet baby home in July. I planned to kiss him and marvel over him and how tiny and perfect he was and to see if he had daddy's ears or if he had my toes. I planned to care for him, nurse him, wrap him in soft blankets, comfort him when he cried, to teach him and take home videos of his first time trying green beans, and crawling, and his first steps, and his first birthday and all the birthdays after that. I planned to ask him if he wanted to play soccer or take karate, or both, or something else.
But, none of that happened. On Saturday we went to Springfield, MO (about 3 hours away) to Katie's pom competition. At about 3 pm we were walking to the car after lunch and I hopped down from a tiny little wall (about 18 inches off the ground). I felt a weird sensation like something was in my vagina. When we got back to the competition I went to the bathroom and there was no blood or fluid and I couldn't feel anything in my vagina, but I didn't reach very far (too scared of what I'd find). I didn't feel anything further and there was no cramping or anything. Crazily, I thought maybe I was imagining things or that it was nothing serious.
At about 4:30 p.m., the competition was over and we started on our way out of Springfield. We stopped at Quiktrip to get drinks & snacks. I felt something again and went to the bathroom. I could feel a fluid sac at the opening of my vagina. We went to the hospital.
In the triage room of the ER, my water broke. I eventually went to L&D. The baby was still alive, but with my water broken at 16 weeks, there was nothing that could be done. I got an epidural (it was much better than last time). They started pitocin and I delivered my sweet baby boy at around 5:00 am. He was precious and perfect and tiny.
We are filled with love for him. He appeared to have my toes and my nose (of course that's ridiculous - as it was really too soon to tell), but his ears were too tiny to tell if they had Forest's attached earlobes or my unattached ones. They put him in a tiny outfit and took pictures of him. His name was Jack Cullen Crawford and we will love him forever.
I don't know when or why my cervix became incompetent. I wasn't in labor, so the doctor said it probably wasn't an infection.
Needless to say, we are devastated. My heart is in a million pieces and I barely know how I'll go back to work. I can hardly imagine the future without our baby.
His remains are at the funeral home and we're going to have a service and bury him with Forest's parents.
Please keep us in your prayers.
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