A Difference of Opinion

So...


My RE has some different thoughts on the upcoming FET than moi.


I had a fluid ultrasound today to make sure that there are no "retained products of conception" in my humble uterus.  There were not, so I've got that going for me (which is nice).  For those of you playing at home, this marked the 12th cranking open of my cervix in the last 3 years. 


I did not think it would be a terribly big deal (emotionally) to go back to the RE's office.  I drove there just fine...pulled into the parking lot (nearly running over a fellow IF-er)...parked the car...walked up to the building...and then I saw the big heavy door.  I wasn't expecting the feeling of sadness I felt when I remembered how heavy the door is...how the lobby is decorated...which suite houses my hopes my dreams my RE.  I hadn't really thought about the office since we "graduated" in December after seeing Jack's beautiful heartbeat.  Coming back so soon with all those familiar thoughts and feelings of hope and worry and skepticism (and a wee bit of something close to anger that getting pregnant isn't "supposed to" happen like this) felt sad.  Suddenly my mood matched the gray sky and blustery winds.  It felt more like Fall than Spring today: more like I was settling in for a long, hard Winter than a lazy, blissful Summer.


Anyway...the doctor and all of the staff were very sweet, acknowledging our loss and asking how I was doing (ummm, do you really want to know how I'm doing? Didn't think so).


I had the ultrasound which went niftily (as I mentioned) and Dr. A asked me what happened with Jack.  I told him that I felt bulging membranes, went to the ER, and, while I was being checked in, my water broke. I went to L&D where they induced labor.


He asked if they did any testing.  I said "No" because he was growing perfectly and had no signs of any distress and there was nothing wrong with him.  He asked if they tested the placenta.  I said "No" because they just assumed it was an incompetent cervix.


He recommended thawing THREE of our frozen embryos and transferring all that may survive.  He asked me how I felt about that.


I said, "Well, if my cervix is incompetent, I was thinking it might be even riskier to try to carry multiples."  And this is where things got interesting...


He said:

1. He doubts it was really IC that caused the miscarriage.  He said that, in his experience, true IC is very rare and that more likely I was in preterm labor (with no pain) due to infection or a problem with the placenta, but we won't really know because they didn't examine it.
2. Even if it was IC the measures they take (i.e., cerclage and bedrest) are the same whether you're carrying 1, 2, or 3 babies.
3. Eight of our embryos made it to Day 5.  He said that, statistically, that represents "two babies" (I gather this is his way of saying that 1 in 4 embryos results in a genetically normal fetus).  So we just need to find the "other baby" in the remaining 6 embryos.  In other words, he feels that transferring THREE gives us the best odds that we will end up with ONE, and there's certainly no guarantee.

And, obviously, I know there is no guarantee.  But, wow, to hear it in those terms was...unexpected.

I said, "Okay. I trust you."  And I guess I do. 

Basically Random Thoughts

1. I almost started crying today in a large project meeting.  "Why is that?", you ask? One of the people at the meeting was calling in from Asia.  A high-speed train of thought barreled through my head - blasting from the guy on the phone...to another guy who used to work here in St. Louis and then returned to Japan for an awesome promotion...to the promotion of the Leonardo DiCaprio character in Revolutionary Road...to the (spoiler alert) eventual DIY abortion of the Kate Winslet character in Revolutionary Road...to the day Jack was born/died.  I realized that practically ANY random thought is only milliseconds away from tumbling off a steep cliff face, plummeting straight into an ocean of Jack grief.  Which is bittersweet - because I love Jack and I love remembering every moment we had with him - but also makes my eyes bulge with alligator tears during wholly unrelated Thursday afternoon project meetings.
2. I have been looking at nursery decor.  Premature? Of course. But I can't help but be hopeful that our FET will work.  Although part of me can't believe I am back to thinking "if I get pregnant" or "when I am pregnant" - I mean: wasn't I JUST here?  I should still BE pregnant, damn it! Jack should still be living snugly in my uterus.  Kicking me and squirming (and now the alligator tears are back. I digress.)
3. We have a name in contention for a future, magical baby.  We have loved the name JACK for years. It is pretty much the only name we could agree on for a boy.  Forest seems to have some problem with 99.9999% of boy names.  Wanna know his suggestion? GREGAN.  Mmmmm Hmmm.  That's what I thought too.  But now we have suddenly discovered that we both like the name DANIEL.  I would love for JACK to be the middle name if we are blessed to bring home a little boy someday, but when paired with DANIEL, it just connotes whiskey.  Oh well, we have plenty of time to decide...
4. Do you ever wonder if there is a higher risk for incompetent cervix associated with ART?  I do.  I just wonder if the cranking open of my cervix for 3 D&Cs, 4 fluid ultrasounds, 3 IUIs and an ET in the space of 2 years was a contributor.  Sigh.  
5. Thank you all for continuing to read my random thoughts.  A candle will burn for each of you in the cathedral of my heart forever :)

Just The Facts

DIET
Starting Weight: 222.8 lb (2/22/10)
Current Weight: 203.0 lb
In Other Words: 19.8 lb lost after 9 weeks of WW!


FET
CD 1 - TODAY!!! (31 day cycle - that's totally almost normal, right?)
4/28/10 (Wednesday) - Start BCPs
4/30/10 (Friday) - Fluid Ultrasound
...
(((some stuff in between - I don't have my calendar yet)))
...
6/7/10 (Monday) - FET (estimated)


WORK
Exciting.  A group of us is working on a "local" chapter of RAPS (What? You don't know what that is? Well it's the Regulatory Affairs Professional Society, of course!) in the Memphis Area (who knew St. Louis was in the "Memphis Area"? Pas moi!). So, you know, if you're a Regulatory Affairs Professional in the Midwest/Mid-South, hit me up :)


INTERNET FRIENDS
Da bomb :)

Mini Update

I've lost 18.6 pounds so far :)


Forest has lost 18.6 pounds so far :)


We are signed up for the June 7th FET cycle :)


I am headed to my second Zumba class where I will burn 1,000,000 1,000 calories in one hour :)


I miss Jack :((

Blog? Who Me?

So, I've been neglecting my blog...AGAIN.  Who is surprised? No one, I am sure.


Things have been going....okay.  As well as can be expected, really.  When people ask Forest how we're doing he replies with a cheerful, "Great!" and I scowl and say "Speak for yourself.  I am 'okay', I am not 'great'."  I have days where I'm happy - I can laugh and joke and do fun things.  And I have days where I'm inconsolable for "no reason" - meaning, I can't point my finger at why I feel like running away and rolling up in a ball and crying - and I the only thing I can point to is that a part of me, of Forest, of US is missing.  Jack is gone and we will never know him on Earth.  And that's enough to make me roll up in a ball and cry for awhile.


In exciting news, Weight Watchers is going swimmingly.  I have lost 12.6 pounds, which is very neat.  I met my 5% goal and, when I was doing Weight Watchers last year, I said I'd get a pedicure when I got to 5% (which I didn't get to that time, but this time is different!).  I plan to get that pedicure next week and I just might post a pic (we'll see how cute they can make my grown-up-sized-baby-feet look with a bit of polish!).  It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier to do Weight Watchers with Forest.  He is doing great as well - he has lost 13.4 pounds.  He was shocked to find that he was at 238 lb when we joined - he thought he was about 215!  He wants to be at least 190 by the time his son (Forest IV) gets married in October.  I'm sure he will succeed - after all: he has a very supportive wife :)


In other exciting news, I started my period!!! All by myself!!!!  Just 37 days after the miscarriage.  I called the RE and got on the schedule for an FET in June (WOAH!).  I will start BCPs when I start my next period (which will *hopefully* be in just 3 weeks, if my ovaries decide to play nicely).  That's some progress, huh?


We will do a single embryo transfer because I don't want to chance multiples on my ridiculously incompetent cervix.  I have been doing a lot of research about IC and I was surprised to read that one factor that may indicate risk of IC is having a short labor.  I used to think that the fact that I was in labor with Katie for 3 hours and 47 minutes total (from contraction #1 to "It's a Girl!", and that included my contractions stopping altogether for an hour after they gave me the epidural I didn't want and they had to start pitocin to get them going again) meant that my body was super AWESOME at having babies.  I also thought that the fact that I got pregnant with Katie the only time I ever had unprotected sex meant I was all SUPER FERTILE and stuff, so - you know - I don't always draw accurate conclusions.  Because, in actuality, a <4 hour labor for a first time mom is pretty abnormal, and, actually, a risk for something horrible.  Who knew?


I have certainly learned a lot on this infertility journey.  I think I am better about being grateful for what I have and not taking things for granted.  I *hope* that I have stopped saying insensitive things around people with no thought for what kind of painful journeys they might be on.  For example, I know that I once bragged about being a "Fertile Myrtle" (GEEZ - I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying now!) in front of a co-worker who was going through her 3rd round of IVF in private.  I try very hard to be sensitive about things like that now.  Not just infertility, but anything.  You never know what struggles someone else is dealing with and how the uncaring things you say might sting their hearts.


Anyway, that's what's going on with me.  Thank you all so much for your kind comments, thoughts, and prayers.  I feel truly blessed to have you guys in my life (and, yes, I know that I could be a better friend by being a better blogger, and I WILL TRY).


Love,
Amy