Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Lilypie Premature Baby tickers

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Basically Random Thoughts

  1. I almost started crying today in a large project meeting.  "Why is that?", you ask? One of the people at the meeting was calling in from Asia.  A high-speed train of thought barreled through my head - blasting from the guy on the phone...to another guy who used to work here in St. Louis and then returned to Japan for an awesome promotion...to the promotion of the Leonardo DiCaprio character in Revolutionary Road...to the (spoiler alert) eventual DIY abortion of the Kate Winslet character in Revolutionary Road...to the day Jack was born/died.  I realized that practically ANY random thought is only milliseconds away from tumbling off a steep cliff face, plummeting straight into an ocean of Jack grief.  Which is bittersweet - because I love Jack and I love remembering every moment we had with him - but also makes my eyes bulge with alligator tears during wholly unrelated Thursday afternoon project meetings.
  2. I have been looking at nursery decor.  Premature? Of course. But I can't help but be hopeful that our FET will work.  Although part of me can't believe I am back to thinking "if I get pregnant" or "when I am pregnant" - I mean: wasn't I JUST here?  I should still BE pregnant, damn it! Jack should still be living snugly in my uterus.  Kicking me and squirming (and now the alligator tears are back. I digress.)
  3. We have a name in contention for a future, magical baby.  We have loved the name JACK for years. It is pretty much the only name we could agree on for a boy.  Forest seems to have some problem with 99.9999% of boy names.  Wanna know his suggestion? GREGAN.  Mmmmm Hmmm.  That's what I thought too.  But now we have suddenly discovered that we both like the name DANIEL.  I would love for JACK to be the middle name if we are blessed to bring home a little boy someday, but when paired with DANIEL, it just connotes whiskey.  Oh well, we have plenty of time to decide...
  4. Do you ever wonder if there is a higher risk for incompetent cervix associated with ART?  I do.  I just wonder if the cranking open of my cervix for 3 D&Cs, 4 fluid ultrasounds, 3 IUIs and an ET in the space of 2 years was a contributor.  Sigh.  
  5. Thank you all for continuing to read my random thoughts.  A candle will burn for each of you in the cathedral of my heart forever :)

6 comments:

lis said...

i think we are having the same random thoughts...

as i read through i was nodding and choking up right along with you!
thinking of you and for all of us that this gets easier soon...oh, and how about jackson for the middle name?

xoxo

Courtney said...

I have random thoughts all the time.

BTW- What's wrong with a little Jack Daniel? LOL Everyone needs a drink sometimes! He'd be a hit in his college years!

sarah said...

I think Daniel Jack (or Jackson, as lis suggested) is a lovely name if that counts as anything.

Jack should still be here. :-(

<3

FET! And, yes, for the love of all that is holy... not Gregan.

(My apologies to anyone on the interwebz name Gregan.)

Jamie said...

I am here for your random thoughts anytime!

I love that you will bless a second son with Jack as a middle name. :-)

twondra said...

Your random thoughts choked me up too. I'm so sorry about all you've been through.

Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

myprettyones said...

I've been thinking about you alot. I'm sorry I don't get around to comment so much. I'm so sorry for the constant reminders and the trip to the RE. I can imagine that would be really tough. Wishing you TONS of luck with your FET. And I love the idea of using Jack as a middle name.