I should feel relieved, right? After the nightmare of last Sunday, I should be on top of the world, yes? And, of course I am...for the most part. I told Forest I felt like we were walking through the depths of Hell and got snatched out and I still can't catch my breath.
Thank you all for your comments and prayers and hugs. I hate that so many of us know what this terror is like.
I was basically incredulous when the peri told me on Monday that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured. I thought he was crazy. I told him there was A LOT of fluid and he said, "I believe you" but I don't think he did. My OB said maybe I peed and didn't realize it. Uh, NO - I'm quite certain I didn't. But the medical professionals seem content to leave the fluid an unsolved mystery. And I didn't have any more leaking in the hospital and the fluid levels around both babes continued to be stable all week.
And then they sent me home. And now I am terrified. The peri on Friday said that the hematoma puts me at increased risk for ruptured membranes down the road and my OB said that the part of Zoe's placenta in front of the bleed is now non-functioning and they'll have to monitor her for IUGR. Those two risks have me pretty much freaking out.
How does one relax in this situation? Or should I just get used to this state of sadness and anxiety that we're still 6 weeks and 4 days from the raw edge of viability?
As I attempt to think positively, I am picking out "Coming Home" outfits for the babies. It's so much easier to find adorable things for girls. Where do I find the boy equivalent to this sweet jumper?
I am just trying to focus on how much I love these precious ones and cherish every moment I have with them. Here's a shot of Egan from yesterday's scan. I think he looks like his daddy. Forest says it's the haircut ;)
Much love to you all!
Sooooo....just a few days after my "so different" post, things started to seem very familiar - and not in a good way.
Sunday evening I was lying on the couch when I felt a little fluid leaking - I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I was concerned, of course, but not freaking out, because they had seen a subchorionic hematoma on the ultrasound since our week 10 scan.
I went to the other room to get my phone to call the doctor when I started leaking a lot of fluid. I started crying and told Forest my water broke. We were in shock - incredulous - my cervix was <4 cm long and closed last Tuesday! How could this happen??!!?!?
We went to the closest hospital and called my doctor's exchange on the way and told them my water broke. She called back immediately and said she was calling the hospital and telling them to admit me right to L&D.
They put me on a stretcher and took me up to L&D. There was a large pool of clear fluid on the stretcher. When my doctor arrived she examined me and there was a lot of horrible, awful looking blood. She said she couldn't see my cervix and she said that was good, because it meant nothing had progressed very far down the birth canal, but she didn't want to be poking around in there anymore.
They brought in a bedside ultrasound machine. Both babies were kicking and squirming and appeared to have normal fluid levels. She said it was a good sign that Baby A was fully visible on ultrasound, in a transverse lie - she had not entered the birth canal at all. She said that they'd have the perinatologist evaluate me Monday morning and that it is theoretically possible to be on bed rest for many, many weeks - even ruptured - to reach viability. We had zero hope before she got there, but with those positive findings, we had some hope to hold on to.
Monday's ultrasound revealed normal fluid levels around both babies. They looked at my cervix with the abdominal ultrasound and said that, while they couldn't get exact measurements without a transvaginal ultrasound (which they didn't want to do because it might exacerbate the bleeding), my cervix appeared long and closed. He said that it "definitely isn't wide open". The only part of that exam that was disturbing was that Baby A had moved "head down" and that made me upset - I felt like she was getting ready for birth. But everyone else just said that it was a good sign, because they move around all the time, and that if she had lost too much fluid, she wouldn't be able to move at all. The peri said that he wasn't convinced I was ruptured and he said that "we might all be looking back on this as just a very scary day".
They told me to sit tight in the hospital until Wednesday and then, if the bleeding stopped, I'd have another scan, including a transvaginal evaluation of my cervix.
Yesterday's scan was even better. Zoe had moved back to a transverse lie (no longer head down) and the fluid still looked normal. I had no leaking and the bleeding was very light and was just old stuff. The transvag showed that my cervix is still completely closed and long.
I think the peri was ready to send me home yesterday, but my doctor wants me to stay here until at least tomorrow, when I'll get another ultrasound and make sure everything is stable.
They might do a procedure kind of like an amniocentesis where they inject blue dye into Baby A's sac and then put a tampon in and see if it turns blue. Niiiiice. I'm thinking that they will decide not to do that since the leaking has stopped completely.
So, apparently, the fluid was all with the hematoma, which finally reached a critical mass on Sunday and broke free. It is showing as being much smaller on ultrasound yesterday vs. Monday.
I am on bedrest for now. My doctor said we'd come up with a "long-term plan" after tomorrow's scan.
Unbelievable. And the scariest thing I've ever been through.
We are so, unbelievably, happy and feel so blessed that our babies are still with us and appear to be totally fine.
What a week!
It really does seem completely different this time around.
With Jack, I remember looking at myself in the mirror the morning of 16w0d. We were in a hotel room in Springfield, MO, getting ready to go to the university for Katie's dance competition. I wore my maternity "Pom Mom" sweater that Katie had embroidered for me for Christmas. I asked Forest if he thought I looked pregnant yet or still just chubby. He (of course) said that I looked totally pregnant and he read me the "What to Expect" iPhone update for 16 weeks, as he had each Saturday since downloading the app. I looked in the mirror and I felt worried. I guess part of me knew all along that my sweet baby wasn't meant to come home with us. I never felt confident in the pregnancy - it all seemed sort of surreal and kind of disconnected.
I still sometimes can't believe the rest of the events that unfolded that day actually happened to me. It was so horrible and painful. And, at the same time, it was like I was floating above myself - or maybe I was off to the side somewhere. Part of me wasn't connected to my body or my mind. Part of me knew it was going to happen, I guess. When my water broke in the ER I looked at Forest and said, "It's over". He was in shock. He just kept shaking his head and saying, "I can't believe this is real." I'll never forget the look on his face. I'm sure the look on mine was more resigned. I knew there was no hope for my baby once my water broke.
I cursed myself for feeling like I would've been "disappointed" finding out for sure that Jack was a boy. I always "felt" like he was a he from the time I saw the + sign on the HPT (and maybe even before that). Even though I didn't feel right "wanting" a girl, I couldn't help it and I was trying to prepare myself to not be disappointed. But, of course, when it came down to it, I really just wanted my baby to live and I saw - all at once - that I did want a boy. I wanted that boy. I wanted my boy.
Anyway, far too many of you know exactly what those emotions are like - I cannot put words around it as well as others can. For those who don't know what it's like, I hope you never do.
But, like I said, this time feels competely different. This time, at 16 weeks, I don't care if I "look" pregnant or just chubby. I know it's real. I've seen my babies on ultrasound now 8 times. The ultrasounds haven't been disconcerting since the 4th time, once they were finally measuring the same size as each other. I have been reassured that my cervix is not actually incompetent - it hasn't budged and is still >4 cm, curved, and closed. There is even a fair amount of uterus (about 3 cm) above my cervix before we even get to Miss Zoe (that's Baby C1's real name). Yesterday the peri (who is awesome) was looking at my chart with me and he saw that I wrote this was my 3rd pregnancy. He asked how far along I was when I delivered Katie. I said, "40 weeks, 3 days." He said that he is giving a talk just next week about the difference in risk for a woman who has delivered full term and has also had a PTB (pre-term birth) vs. a woman who has had a PTB without a full term delivery. Basically, he feels like my risk is dramatically lower given the full term delivery and my currently confirmed long cervix. I said, "So what happened last time, then?" He said that, obviously, we'll never know, but he would highly suspect an infection. Poor cervix - I've been falsely accusing her.
In related news, as of yesterday's scan, we are 90% sure it's a boy and a girl. Perfect.
ETA: I only told you one name, above, so: our baby girl is Zoe Ruth and our baby boy is Egan Mitchell :)
I had another MFM appointment today at lunchtime. My cervix measured >6 cm, which is lovely. I asked the peri if it was the longest cervix he'd ever seen and he said it was. He also thought maybe the tech had measured a bit more than cervix and it might be overstated a bit, but he thought it looked really, really good. He is having me come back next Tuesday (15w6d) just to put my mind at ease since we lost Jack at 16w0d and he imagines I will be anxious next week. How cool is that?
We got extra peeks at the babes too! There was an OB resident there so they were all, "Do you mind if he takes a look for a few minutes?" I was like "Not at all. Does anyone ever say 'no' to that?"
The ultrasound tech registered her educated guess on the babies' genders. With the standard disclaimers that it's really early and that these are just guesses, she said it looks like Baby A (a.k.a. Baby C1) is a girl and that Baby B (a.k.a. Baby C2) is a boy. This is the opposite of what I have been thinking, so I have decided that they just switched places over the last 2 weeks ;)
So, the news really couldn't be better. And for that we are very relieved and very thankful. Overall, a happy day!
