Worry

I am worried about Baby C2.  I know it's dumb. I don't have any more reason to worry today than I did on Friday, but the doubt has creeped into my happy thoughts nonetheless.  I am trying to keep those "positive thoughts only" going strong, but, for some reason no apparent reason, today I don't feel so optimistic about little C2.

It may be because Katie has started telling people IRL that we're having twins. This makes me wish we'd waited to even tell her for a few more weeks until we could see how little C2 is doing.  Katie has actually been a huge proponent of waiting to tell people.  With Jack she chastised me for telling people so soon. But this time, most of the people IRL who know (16 at last count) she told.  I got an e-mail from the mom of one of her friends congratulating me and offering prayers. Of course the prayers are welcomed and very thoughtful, but I'm just not ready for the word to be spreading like this. 

All of the moms on her dance team are bound to know within short order and I don't feel comfortable with that. I think this is because they were all at the dance competition where we lost Jack. The next week, the Coach asked Katie what they could do/make for us and Katie told them that I love desserts (which is, uhhhh, true enough and all...). The Thursday after the miscarriage the girls were performing at a basketball game.  Forest had class that night, so I was there by myself and no one sat by me.  At one point I almost started crying in the bleachers (or, I probably actually did start crying in the bleachers, now that I think about it) and I felt like an outcast.  After the girls perform at halftime, the dance team moms generally make their way to the auditorium where the girls have all of their stuff.  There is generally picture taking and merriment. As I was walking out of the gym, one of the moms (who I had never actually talked to before) said (extremely bluntly), "I can't believe you're here tonight."  Uhhhh. Okay. Sorry. I guess I should have just sent my daughter to the game alone!?!?!? I don't even remember what I said in response. Probably something like, "Yeah. It's hard" or some crap. So I walk into the hallway and the girls all run toward me, placing bags of brownies, cupcakes, and various other snack items in front of me.  It was very thoughtful and sweet, but also pretty overwhelming and awkward. I felt like all of the moms and the coaches were watching me intently, waiting to see me cry.  That whole time period was very hard, obviously. I guess I just have some lingering weird feelings about the dance team moms. I can just imagine the ripple of gossip that went through when the girls learned (and then told their moms) I was expecting Jack (there really aren't very many expectant mothers of Sophomores in high school...at least not at Katie's school!), and then when I lost him. And now I'm imagining the ripple of gossip again. It just makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why - they are generally nice people (except that one tacky, blunt one). I guess I just picture this round of news ("Katie's mom is having twins!") and then imagining the horribleness of a theoretical next round ("One of Katie's mom's babies died") and it just makes me feel sick. If that does happen, I definitely hope they don't bake me anymore Festive Condolence Cupcakes and shower me in other Grief Snacks, because that was weird.

Oh well. Well wishes should only make me feel better, not worse.  I hate feeling this way. I just want to enjoy Baby C1 and Baby C2 every second they are with us.  That's what I need to focus on.

Is it Friday yet?